THE PEACEMAKER #3

This is the third and final post about a book I recently read called The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict.   

Now let's tackle the last of the quotes that stood out to me.  The last part of the book talks a lot about forgiveness and was the most challenging part of the book for me.  Well, maybe it was a tie with the parts about choosing not to think on the negatives about the person or situation or to speak things that aren't conducive to reconciling.  I definitely have some room for growth in those areas!

p. 186, A general principle taught in Matthew 18 is that we should try to keep the circle of people involved in a conflict as small as possible for as long as possible.  If we can resolve a dispute personally and privately, we should do so.  But if we cannot settle matters on our own, we should seek help from other people, expanding the circle only as much as necessary to bring about repentance and reconciliation.

p. 202, (a discussion with a man whose wife had cheated on him) "Rick, imagine that you had just confessed a serious sin to God, and for the first time in your life he spoke to you audibly: 'I forgive you, Rick, but I can't ever be close to you again."  How would you feel?"

After an awkward pause, he replied, "I guess I'd feel like God hadn't really forgiven me."

"But isn't that the way you're forgiving Pam?" I asked.

Rick looked at the floor, wrestling for an answer.

In a softer voice, I continued, "Imagine instead that God said, 'Rick, I forgive you.  I promise never to think about your sin again or to dwell on it or brood over it.  I promise never to bring it up and use it against you.  I promise not to talk to others about it.  And I promise not to let this sin stand between us or hinder our relationship.'"

(Please note that this couple was reconciled, though they went through extensive counseling to deal with the core of their marital problems.  Rick telling Pam he forgave her in the way described here was simply the first step toward that reconciliation.  I mention that just to make sure no one thinks the author was implying that genuine forgiveness is all that's necessary for a couple to work through an affair. )

p. 204, Perhaps you have said or thought the same thing Rick said to his wife: "I forgive you - I just can't be close to you again."  Think of this statement in light of the prayer you have prayed many times, "Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors" (Matt. 6:12).  What would happen if God forgave you in exactly the same way you are forgiving others at this time? / Like Rick, you probably wouldn't feel forgiven.

p. 208, As someone once said, "Unforgiveness is the poison we drink, hoping others will die."

p. 209, This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us: We must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us.  We must not hold wrongs against others, not think about the wrongs, and not punish others for them.  Therefore, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises.

* I will not dwell on this incident.
* I will not bring this incident up again and use it against you.
* I will not talk to others about this incident.
* I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.

p. 215, We may also withhold forgiveness because we want a guarantee that such an offense will never occur again.  These attitudes and expectations are utterly inconsistent with the command to forgive as God forgave us.  / Furthermore, just as God demands no guarantee from us regarding our future conduct, we have no right to make such a demand of others. / Forgiveness is based on repentance, not on guarantees.  Therefore, once someone has expressed repentance for an action, we have no right to let our fears of the future delay forgiveness today.

p. 217, We take God's forgiveness for granted, while we stubbornly withhold our forgiveness from others.  In effect, we behave as though others' sins against us are more serious than our sins against God.

p. 219, Although reconciliation can sometimes take place with little or no special effort, in most cases you will need to remember the saying, "If you are coasting, you must be going downhill."  In other words, unless a deliberate effort is made to restore and strengthen a relationship, it will generally deteriorate. 

p. 221, It is very difficult to simply stop thinking about an unpleasant experience.  Instead, we must replace negative thoughts and memories with positive ones.  This principle is especially helpful when trying to keep the first promise of forgiveness. Every time you begin to dwell on or brood over what someone has done, ask for God's help and deliberately pray for that person or think of something about the offender that is "true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy."  At first you may struggle to come up with even one positive thought, but after you find one good thought or memory, others should come more easily.  If you cannot think of a single good thing about the person you are trying to forgive, then use thankful thoughts about God and his work in this situation to replace unpleasant memories (see Phil. 4:4-7).

p. 249, The more intense a dispute becomes, the more important it is to control your tongue (Rom. 12:14).  When you are involved in a prolonged conflict, you may be sorely tempted to indulge in gossip, slander, and reckless words, especially if your opponent is saying reckless things about you.  But if you react with harsh words or gossip, you will only make matters worse.  Even if your opponent speaks maliciously against you or to you, do not respond in kind.  Instead, make every effort to breathe grace by saying only what is both true and helpful, speaking well of your opponent whenever possible, and using kinds and gracious language.  As Peter wrote, "Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing (I Peter 3:9, 1 Cor 4:12-13).


Update: If you would like to read all three posts about this book, then here are the links.  One.  Two.  Three.