WHICH DAY WAS BETTER?

Yesterday marked one year since Silas died and came back to life. What a miracle his life is!! Thankfully, we had a really great day. Though my mind did a little wandering back to the evening that Silas drowned, I was emotionally stable all day. I'm glad. I really didn't want to spend the day in tears or being nauseated, which is what often happens when I have flashbacks to that night.

8/15/09 - MORNING - We goofed off at my dad's house all day, playing in the pool and just enjoying some vacation time.

8/15/09 - MORNING - We picked up a cultural pass at the library to help pay for our family to spend some time at the Children's Museum. All three kids had a blast! They'd been begging to go for a long time and I'm glad it finally worked out to take them.

Naomi in the water room.

Devon, with his face painted, in the water room.

Silas said his face was painted like a viper.

8/15/08 - EVENING - At 5:30 Silas was found at the bottom of a pool without a heartbeat. He miraculously came back to life, then Tim and I were chauffeured with him to the hospital in an ambulance. Tim spent the night on Silas' bed (that was Silas' request) and I slept (and I use that term lightly) in a roll-away bed that was shaped more like a bowl. Our other kids stayed at my dad's house.

8/15/09 - EVENING - After the museum we came home to relax, then walked a few blocks to spend the evening with Brian, Anna, and their kiddos. The kids all played hard, we ate a bunch of excellent food, had fun chatting, then headed home to tuck all the offspring into their beds. We slept in our own comfy bed.

8/16/08 - MORNING - We woke up in the hospital, fed fish some crackers the nurses gave us, and waited for the doctor to make rounds in the hopes Silas would be discharged. We were back at my dad's by mid-morning.

8/17/09 - MORNING - We woke up in our home and went to church as a family.

I definitely prefer the 2009 version of 5:30 on 8/15 through 10:30 on 8/16 over the 2008 version!! Yesterday was a really fun day spent as a family!!

SEVEN

Last week we celebrated Silas' seventh birthday. I realize that's not generally a milestone birthday, but it could have been a really horrible day for us. Honestly, the the whole month of June has been a little weird for me emotionally.

Ten months earlier Silas was dead, a drowning victim without a heartbeat. Let me just tell you that it's pretty surreal to see your husband doing chest compressions on your son, to think "I have two kids now" when you had three just a few minutes earlier, to explain to your questioning four year old why his brother isn't moving and what Daddy is doing to him.

Ari, Tim's niece who had just turned nine, died three weeks before Silas drowned. It was a freak accident, a horrible tragedy.

Why did one kid survive and the other die? Why did CPR work for one child and not the other? We'll never know. Life doesn't always make sense.

I'm just thankful that God gave Silas to us. Twice.

And I'm praying for Ari's parents and sister as they enter July, the month Ari was born and the month she died.

S - S - S - S - S - S

Sisters - Just have to say my sister is fantastic. Her name is Belinda and she's younger than me, which naturally makes me more mature than her. This isn't about me though, it's about her. Right? Anyway, she desires to be a good wife and mom and works toward those goals. She is way more girly than I'll ever be, but she's not prissy. She's crafty and artistic. She married her high school sweetheart and they've been married ten years. She desires to grow closer to God and works toward that goal. She has moved a gazillion times since graduating from high school. She lives in the mountains of the Philippines. She's honest. She can speak Tala Andig and used to speak Cebuano (until the Tala Andig took over). She's funny. I could go on, but I have two more "S" things to write about and only so much free time in my day. One more thing though. She introduced me to cracker nuts. That's too important to leave out.

Sleepless - When I turned the computer on Wednesday morning I realized it hadn't been shut down properly the last time it was used. Weird. Even weirder was that there were kid games on the screen. I knew for a fact that I hadn't been playing kid games before going to bed the previous night. A bit later Silas woke up. The first thing he said was "I woke up and played games while everyone was sleeping. It was 1:01 on the microwave clock when I woke up. I played for a while, then I went back to bed. It was all in the middle of the night." Fabulous. Another insomniac in the family.

Song - I have a friend, Susan, on the SL forums whose husband is in the music business. Just after Silas drowned she told me that his drowning was the inspiration for some lyrics that she and her husband had composed. Well, they were finally able to share the song. Before I link you to the song, let me share what Susan posted a couple days ago. For those unfamiliar with internet shorthand, "dh" means "dear husband". And "The Big Bison" is Susan's online nickname for her husband.

Here's the song the Big Bison and I wrote for Bethany! Well, OK, we didn't actually write it for Bethany. But something that happened to her inspired it.

Here's the back story. Dh asked me to help him write 4 songs he was commissioned to write for a music house in town. The way this works is that periodically, the music house puts out CDs of music that radio and TV stations and advertisers can license music from. You might here it as background music for a commercial on TV. They commissioned him to write 4 "modern folk songs" (whatever those might be) on any subject he desired.

So, he started bugging me to give him some ideas, and I turned to YOU ladies, because on these forums you certainly find a sampling of life in all its aspects: hopes, dreams, tragedies - topics ranging anywhere from the mundane to the glorious. (And may I say, that very often, the glorious is found in the midst of the mundane. Which sounds like an idea for another song.)

So, at about the time that he was bugging me to come up with some ideas, Bethany's son Silas almost drowned. What a shocking thing that was!!! One moment they were in the midst of a relaxed family get-together, and the next, the unthinkable had happened.

It took my breath away to read about it, and I prayed earnestly for Bethany and Silas and all the W's. And it got me to thinking about the concept of "life". How fleeting, how fragile, yet how tenacious and determined is our very breath, our very heartbeat. So, I jotted down some phrases for the Big Bison, and he did the rest.

And here is the song. It is just audio, no visual, and is about two minutes long. Enjoy!

MY MENTAL HEALTH

Three weeks after Silas drowned I started having a hard time dealing with it. My sister is the only person I told that I was struggling. A week later someone on the Sonlight forums, a person who had somehow missed the original drowning announcement and was just hearing about it, asked how I was doing. I lost it. I was sitting at my computer sobbing uncontrollably and just typed out everything I was feeling. Tim walked in the room as I was typing and asked what was wrong. So I told him. A few days later I told my dad.

Here is what I said on the forums. How am I? Oh goodness. Well, I'm a lousy liar, so I'll tell the truth. I was fine til about 1 1/2 weeks ago. Since then I've had some rough days. It's like delayed grief for what could have been. Weird. Normal, I know, but still weird. I get sick to my stomach when I think of all the practical aspects of how that day could have played out - telling everyone, driving home from my dad's with an empty car seat, having Devon in a room to himself, stopping a core just one month into the year. Every time I see the pic that could have been the last one we ever took of him I want to hurl. And I have moments where I'm so angry at the adults who were there when it happened. We aren't really telling people what exactly happened because those who were there already feel badly enough. We don't want anyone making them feel worse. But I just get so fired up sometimes.

It's a little weird to have such a strong physical and emotional reaction to something that didn't happen. Silas didn't die. Or at least he didn't stay dead. I was grieving what could have happened. On one hand I know that's normal and I'm fine with going through the process. On the other hand, I don't want to get stuck in the land of grief, anger, and the urge to hurl, particularly over an end result that was never reality.

I felt better after spilling the beans online and talking with Tim. My little episodes went from several times a day, every day to a few times a week. Then they were less than weekly. It happened last night and that's what made me realize I'm doing better. I realized at that moment that I couldn't pinpoint the last time it happened. Progress!! I'm sure there will always be things that trigger some sort of reaction, last night it was something in a book I was reading. But those moments are getting fewer and farther between.

$47 AND SOME CLARIFICATION

Despite the title, I think I'm going to do the clarification first. I had a conversation with someone yesterday about my last two posts. I think I may have given the wrong impression to some of you. So, let me clarify something.

I absolutely know we should all be cheerful and frequent givers. I absolutely know that DINKs who will eventually have kids will have to learn to live on one income. I absolutely know that we are going to have to rework our budget in light of Tim's new income.

However, and here's the clarification, I do not think there is anything wrong with DINKs who live off both incomes. I do not think there is anything wrong with spending money on fun stuff for yourself, such as pedicures, golf, or fancy vacations. I do not think that we need to deny ourselves all luxuries, whether simple or extravagant. I do not think we should be so focused on cutting back that we become miserly or obsessed with money (and yes, you can become obsessed with having little in the same way as you can about having much).

God is the one who supplies our needs. Sometimes he does it through our regular paycheck. Sometimes he does it through other ways. Sometimes he allows us to be part of his provision for someone else.

So, I just want to make sure that everyone understands where I'm coming from. Trust God for his provision. Recognize all the ways you are blessed. Bless others whenever possible. Be wise with what God has entrusted to you.

Make sense?

All righty then. Moving on the the $47. I've told a few of you this story already, and some heard a version that involved a different dollar amount. This is the final version.

Seven weeks ago I was sitting in a hospital room with Silas. He had just drowned and God had chosen to bring life back to his little body. I was thinking about the expenses we were incurring and feeling a little discouraged. I wasn't stressed, but I was definitely feeling like the "one step forward" we'd been taking in paying of school debt more quickly was about to be met with the "two steps back" of paying medical expenses we hadn't planned for. Obviously the option of having Silas live while our debt reduction slows down was a far better option than having him die. That's a no-brainer. But I still wondered what the whole ordeal was going to cost us and how long it would take to get it paid off.

Well, here's how the last few weeks have played out. The hospital billed homeowner's insurance (HI). HI sent the check for the hospital bill to us. I deposited it and called the hospital with my debit card number. The hospital said that even though they billed HI, I would get a 10% private pay discount for paying the bill in full out of my own account.

Next, I called HI and asked what to do with the 10%, if I should send it back to credit the fund they had given us. I was told they have to pay the full billed amount, even if we get a discount. Lame on their end, but works for me. I left the money sitting there for any expenses we'd incur personally.

Then we got a bill from the ambulance. They had billed our health insurance because they didn't want to mess with HI sending us a check. Our insurance paid 80%. I paid the remaining 20% out of the discount money I still had from the hospital.

The doctor who saw us at the hospital billed HI and that check was also sent to us. We did the debit card over the phone for the full amount.

The next bill was from radiology. They hadn't billed anyone, but I still had discount money in my account, so I paid the bill in full.

Everyone is paid. We have not paid a dime of our own money.

But wait. It gets better.

Remember that discount money that I've been paying bills from? Well, there is still $47 left. We actually made money from Silas' drowning! As I told some people the other night, I wouldn't recommend that method of income, as it's pretty risky, but it's still pretty cool it worked out that way.

I can't justify going out to dinner or buying new clothes with insurance money that was designated for medical bills. I know I didn't do anything wrong, didn't work the system, but it would still be weird. So, I'm going to sign Silas up for swimming lessons. Don't you think that's fitting?

SILAS - SWIMMING, DROWNING, LIVING, TESTIFYING

I totally forgot that I had this video! It was taken one hour before Silas drowned. The kid kept doing flips into the water and he's not really even a risk taker. Guess his natural athleticism trumped his dislike of taking risks. He was back doing flips the next day after returning from the hospital.




We spent Labor Day weekend camping with a bunch of people from church. During a group campfire people were given an opportunity to just share a quick praise or something the Lord was teaching them. Silas leaned over to me as the first person started speaking and asked if he could say something. Wanting to make sure he knew what the "rules" were and that he wasn't trying to flaunt some 6yo humor, I asked what he wanted to share. His response was "about drowning". I said that was fine and he waited for his chance to speak. As the first person stopped talking Silas stood up on the lap he'd been sitting on and shouted "I drowned and now I'm alive!". And that's when I shed my first tear over the whole incident. I am so proud of his boldness in declaring that his life is a miracle.

ONE WEEK LATER

Just wanted to give a quick update on Silas. He saw his pediatrician on Tuesday just to make sure his lungs sounded clear. His lungs are totally fine. He is totally fine. We are totally fine.

Thanks to all of you who have prayed - through the drama of the ambulance ride and hospital visit, against Silas getting pneumonia, for emotional well-being for all of us, etc. We are blessed! I told Tim the other day that if we hadn't been there when Silas drowned, then we'd never believe that it happened. There is absolutely no sign, whether physical, emotional, or mental, that anything happened. None.

THE BRIGHT SIDE

If you don't know about Silas' swimming accident, then you need to scroll down and read the post under this one before continuing on this post or click here to read it. You can also read my dad's account on his blog.

We are obviously so thankful that Silas is alive and healthy. He is a walking miracle. He truly is. So, in a spirit of thankfulness and looking for the positive spin, I am going to share with you some of the bright spots of the whole situation.

Before I list those things out I want to tell you how everyone is doing. Silas is fine physically. We need to watch him for the next few days for signs of pneumonia. Otherwise he's doing well. He is also fine emotionally. Tim and I are a little tired from the lack of sleep we got in the hospital, but we'll get a few naps and be good to go. Tim is doing well, though his direct involvement in the rescue has kept his mind a little more preoccupied than mine. My dad, his wife, and her daughter are doing well, though they've also been more emotional than I've been. My dad helped with CPR. His wife and her daughter were there when Silas was pulled from the water, helped care for the other kids, and called 911. I'm fine emotionally. I was not present when Silas drowned. I think that's a big reason why I'm doing so well, as I'm able to focus more on the outcome and less on the actual crisis.

Now, on to some funny, cute, ironic, and encouraging things.

* The ambulance called ahead to let the ER know we were arriving. We walked in the ER quietly, but the entire place turned to face us as we entered. Everyone - nurses, docs, staff, patients, guests, etc - had heard the call from the ambulance and were waiting for us to arrive. Then a doctor starts walking toward us, but she's not walking quietly. She's clapping and cheering, saying "Yes! This is exactly how we want to see you come in, we're so happy to see you coming in like this!" It was so awesome to be greeted with enthusiasm for the fact that our son, who minutes earlier had no heartbeat, was entering the ER alive and in his mother's arms. 

* Silas told us exactly what happened when he drowned, but it was very matter-of-fact. He had no anxiety at all.

* One of the nurses gave Silas some crackers to smash for feeding to the fish in the koi pond. He enjoyed watching them gobble up the snack he was giving them.


* As we entered the ER we recognized one of the nurses as someone from Simple Faith, our church when we lived in Ashland. She recognized us and popped into our room to say hi.

* Silas and Devon got to talk on the phone Saturday morning. Silas' end of the conversation went like this. "This is the coolest doctor's office EVER. Do you know why? You get Nintendo and movies and popsicles and Gatorade and apple juice and toys".

* Tim and Silas got to spend some quality male bonding time playing Nintendo on the portable station that was brought into our room. Silas didn't go to bed until 11:00pm because they were gaming together.

* There was fluid in Silas' lungs when we arrived at the hospital, but within a few hours much of it was already absorbed into his body.

* Silas was excited to discover that he could use his own remote control for moving his bed and turning the room lights on and off. He took advantage of every opportunity he had to control the lights.

* Despite having his vitals taken every 1-2 hours during his stay at the hospital, Silas slept for 8 hours straight!!


* After we'd been in the ER for a bit Silas started getting cold, so we asked for a blanket. A few minutes later someone brought a heated blanket to him and covered him up. You should have seen his eyes light up when that blanket touched him. He loved it! That sparked a conversation about how many heated blankets the hospital had. His guess, after a moment pondering it, was 1,009.

* My dad brought some stuff to us at the hospital, including some clothes for Silas to wear home when we were discharged. He grabbed the top outfit in Silas' suitcase pile and threw it in a bag. It wasn't until we were home that I paid attention to what outfit Silas was wearing. It was a lifeguard shirt. Ironic.


* As we were packing up our stuff to prepare to head back to Beaverton, my dad asked Silas what the best part of the weekend was. Silas' immediate response was "the hospital". He was so impressed with all the special treatment he got there.

* The first thing that Silas said after getting all wired up in the ER was "Did Papa and Nana already eat the pizza?" We had some Papa Murphy's in the oven when he drowned and his biggest concern was that he had missed out on pizza. As soon as those words came out of his mouth I said, "Our boy is going to be just fine".

* Within an hour of getting back to my dad's house Silas was asking to go out to the pool. He has absolutely no fear of the water.

SO VERY THANKFUL

Let me start this off by saying that everyone in our family is fine right now. We had a near tragedy last night, but I want to make sure you read this with the understanding that there was a happy ending.

I am typing this post from a hospital where we spent the night with Silas. Just before dinner last night he drowned. He was at the bottom of a pool, not breathing, and without a heartbeat. Tim pulled him from the water and began CPR. My dad quickly joined in giving CPR. My stepsister called an ambulance. My dad's wife gathered up Devon and Naomi and took care of them.

When Tim began CPR there was no heartbeat. None. After doing CPR for a while, Tim felt a heartbeat. Then Silas started breathing. He puked. He cried. Never before have puke and tears been such a great thing to witness.

Because chest compressions were given, the paramedics transported us to the hospital to get Silas checked out. That's when we found out there was some fluid in his lungs and they needed to keep him overnight to monitor him. As of now, at 7:30am, he is asleep. His vitals are good. His lungs have improved. The doctor will make rounds sometime between 8 and 9. We're hoping to be discharged at that time. Otherwise we sit around til evening rounds and try again. It looks like we'll be able to leave, but we don't know for sure.

We made it through the critical 8-12 hour period after the drowning without any problems. Now the main risk is for pneumonia, which would only happen if any of that pool water in his lungs formed some bacteria before being absorbed by his body. If that happens, then it would be in the next week or so.

I realize some people will wonder how he ended up at the bottom of the pool, but it doesn't really matter. We're focusing on the fact that he's alive, not how he almost died.

We are very thankful to still be the 5 Ws.

UPDATE: You can read my my dad's version of the drowning here and my description of some of the silver linings here.