FRESH AIR, FRESH PERSPECTIVE

Thursday was a good day, but I struggled with my attitude about something in the afternoon. We had to leave for something on the calendar, but I made a spontaneous decision to leave early and spend some time outside. We headed to Memorial Park, parked at the top, and walked a hilly loop. It was perfect!

Nothing beats fresh air, movement, and nature when your head and heart are a little wonky. It doesn't negate whatever problem you're facing, but it puts it into perspective. It's a reminder that your situation, no matter how big or small, is just one part of a huge world filled with intricate details. Life will go on. Just keep moving forward. 

 

THREE GOOD THINGS

January 1, 2012 - Eight years ago I started writing down three good things about the day before I went to bed each night. It didn't matter if they were significant or trivial, but they had to be positive and they had to be relevant to that particular day. I kept the habit for five months, then quit in a season of stress and anger surrounding my circumstances at the time. Immature, I know, but that's real life.

January 4, 2014 - After nineteen months of pouting, I decided to end my days on a positive note again. No matter how rotten a day is or how poorly I've handled the challenges I face, and believe me when I say there have been way more hard days than easy ones and that I frequently opt for irresponsible and immature responses instead of wise ones, I choose to focus on what was good as the day comes to an end. And every day has good things. Every single day.

January 1, 2020 - Not only have I stuck with this habit for six years, but I've added to it. During a super rough season of marriage, someone who's been married longer than I have and who had no idea I already wrote three good things each night, suggested I start writing down five good things about Tim at the end of each day. I knew it was wise counsel, but five things seemed impossible at the time. So I compromised with two.

I've continued the additional habit for years, through that challenging time and into a happier, healthier season of marriage. No one ever knew I wrote down good things about Tim each day, including Tim himself until I just told him a couple months ago and a couple friends during a recent discussion we had about marriage. I was encouraged in that conversation with friends to increase my list about Tim to three things per day. I accepted the challenge, so now each day of my life ends with acknowledging three good things about my life and three about my husband.

Why am I telling you this? Because I want to challenge you to do the same, to end each day acknowledging three specific things that were good about it, and the beginning of a new year is a great time to start. Super critical by nature? So am I. Easily overwhelmed by the hard things in life? I can relate. So if my negative, stressed out self can find three good things about each day, anyone can!

A LITTLE TIME AT BAUMAN'S

Naomi and Tyler asked to join me on a shopping trip to Bauman's today. In an effort to choose present over perfect, which I generally stink at, I sent them out of the car after we'd already loaded up to leave for home and told them to enjoy the playground for ten minutes. Then I joined them instead of sitting in the car by my tired, grumpy self. It was the right choice. It usually is. And yet I usually aim for perfection instead of presence. So ridiculous.

I'm enjoying some mellow time alone right now, though, while the other Ws who are home watch a movie in another room. Because I need to put on my oxygen mask sometimes so I can choose to be truly present other times. Balance, right?

Just a little playground fun for these two.

We climbed to the top of Bauman's tire tower and tried to take a picture with the view from the top in the background, but the blinding sunshine wasn't cooperative. So we lowered the camera, looked down, and smiled. The goal was just to remember our little outing, so whatever works.

TAKING TIME TO BREATHE

Saturday was non-stop, a day filled from start to finish with responsibilities, but I added Al's Garden Center's Evening of Lights to my absurdly long list of things to get done. I love that store and knew making time to do something fun there in the midst of a bunch of work would be a way to put on my oxygen mask. Squeezed it in after some errands, which meant Naomi got to come with me. Chose not to spend any money, but enjoyed half an hour looking at Christmas decorations (in November ... scandalous, I know), eating and drinking various samples, listening to live music, entering a bunch of drawings, and admiring their huge variety of poinsettias during our first time attending this event. I'm so glad I resisted the urge to skip it in the name of responsibility and decided to just relax with my girl for a little bit. 

OCTOBER THOUGHTS

October is winding down and I'm realizing how much of this month I've spent thinking about last October. It was a bit of an emotional roller coaster. In no particular order -

* Made special, lifetime memories. 

* Enjoyed the season of marriage we were in. 

* Hit an emotional and mental low. 

* Quit a part-time job I wanted to keep. 

* Experienced deep hurt. 

* Adjusted to Tim's career change. 

* Entered uncharted parenting territory. 

* Started a slow process of personal growth in some specific areas.

There's one side of this reminiscing that's not helpful, the part where I haven't seen as much progress as I'd like in certain things and get discouraged.  But the other side has been good, the part where I can evaluate where things are and choose to keep moving forward.

Life is filled with highs and lows, right? My tendency is to be overwhelmed by the lows, to feel hopeless when positive change is beyond my control, and to get frustrated with myself when I struggle to get over something negative. I hit a rough patch in relationships, circumstances, or my own sin and forget all that's true and good. 

* That rough patches are unavoidable.

* That I can have peace in the midst of life's challenges. 

* That I'm making progress, even if it's ridiculously slow and filled with failure. 

* That God's love for me doesn't hinge on my behavior or mental health. 

So, here's to another year of growth. To being more secure in who I am in Christ and less bothered by my own imperfect humanity. To gratitude, love, humility, trust, and forgiveness. To focusing my attention on what matters most to me and letting the rest go.

And, no, the picture has nothing to do with the post. It's just one I took on Friday while I hung out all by myself in the van, reading a book and looking up the Bible verses it mentioned, exchanging Facebook messages with a close friend, and waiting for the bi-annual clothing exchange I've attended for over a decade to get started. Documenting ordinary life. 

SEE THE GOOD

We found out the event our evening plans hinged on wasn't happening just before we walked out the door, which meant we didn't arrive to a non-event. The two little Ws whose plans were affected by the change weighed their options and figured out a new plan. I had enough gas to get home tonight and back to the gas station tomorrow, which meant it wasn't a crisis when I realized a little W hadn't returned the debit card I intended to pay for gas with to where it belongs. The zippered pouch I keep gift cards in was on the ground where we'd been parked when we returned to the store after discovering it was missing. The little W who had eagerly anticipated spending the remaining balance of a gift card pulled it together pretty quickly after shedding some tears when the gift card had nothing on it. The app troubles I was having got resolved and I was able to get a free treat for the disappointed little W, a treat originally intended for two little Ws to share and willingly given up by the non-disappointed one in order to cheer their sibling up. 

And I got this mug for free with a gift card in the middle of the three hours all that other stuff happened in. 💚

Also, I ranted a lot this morning. Don't ever, not for one single minute, think I naturally find the positive spin or usually choose to look for it. I don't. I'm a work in progress.

A BREATH OF FRESH AIR

Yesterday I had a burning desire to drive to Miranda's, buy some pan dulce, and eat it all by myself in a gluttonous binge of emotional eating. I chose to spend twenty minutes at Hermanson Pond instead. Sunshine, a breeze, flowers blooming, and various critters swimming, chirping, flying, and crawling were a peaceful addition to my day and helped give me a mental reset before tackling the afternoon.

SADDLE MOUNTAIN WITH SILAS

I had big plans for a quiet, productive day yesterday. Tim, Devon, Naomi, and Tyler were going to be at a church event all day, and Silas always has things going on, so I was going to stay in jammies and tackle a huge list of things I need to accomplish.

As I sat enjoying a mug of tea, Silas asked if I minded him going on a hike. We were discussing the logistics of who he could invite when I had one of those "you know what you should do" feelings. I tried to ignore it because I desperately needed some uninterrupted productivity, but it wouldn't go away. It was a chance to choose present over perfect. 

I asked if I could join him. He said he'd love for me to come along, but thought I had a bunch of work to do. I assured him I did have tons of work, but that I still wanted to come. So we went. He drove the two hours out to Saddle Mountain State Natural Area and we hit the trail. 

He's hiked the whole thing once (helped a group of grade school boys from church) and part of it another time (made it halfway trying to catch the sunset with Devon), but this was my first time. There's an elevation gain of over 1,600 feet in the 2 1/2 miles from start to finish, which I wasn't in very good shape for, so I sat down for a couple minutes to stretch my legs and drink some water once along the way. He took advantage of the break to go check out some views.

I had to take several other quick stops to catch my breath, but I was determined to make it to the top. We finally did it! There's a 360 degree view from the summit, but clouds covered most of it when we were there. We did get a view out to the beach, even though it's hard to tell in these pictures. For those in our neck of the woods, these pictures are looking toward Astoria and the Columbia was on our right.

This is the same view as before, but zoomed in a bit toward the coastline.

Once we cooled down, ate some food, and my heart rate dropped back to normal, Silas and I took a summit picture together.

I took this picture on the way back down. It's looking back on the final climb of the trail. If you enlarge the picture, you can just barely see someone in blue shorts near the cluster of trees at the top left corner of the peak. That gives a little perspective on how high it is.
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On the way up I'd mentioned to Silas that parts of the trail looked like they could be waterfalls in the winter. A short time later that's exactly what happened. The picture doesn't really do it justice, but I told Silas on the way back that we could sing both "climb every mountain" and "ford every stream".

I loved this section of the trail that was filled with white trunks and branches!!

Today I'm playing catch up because of all the work I ditched yesterday, but I'm so glad I went. Next time I hike Saddle Mountain I'll just make sure the skies are clear so I can get the full view from the top!

OXYGEN MASK

When was the last time a piece of art resonated with you? I enjoy art, but I don't know if I've ever felt it speak to me like it did last month. My sister and I went to the Portland Art Museum in early October and a particular piece struck a chord deep in my heart. It was a large painting by Joe Goode, five feet square, called Torn Cloud Painting. I picked up a postcard of it in the museum store before we left, which is what this picture is of, and put it somewhere I'd see it on a regular basis.

I have my share of ups and downs, sometimes more than my share, but I was in a serious funk when I saw this painting at the museum, struggling to keep my head and heart in a good place. It's been six weeks since then and I'm in a much better place now, which I'm grateful for, and this artwork was one of two things I believe were the catalyst for change. (The other was reading Present Over Perfect, which I sobbed my way through in two sittings and finished the day after going to the museum.)

What do you see when you look at this painting? I see the inside of a difficult season, unchanging scenery no matter which direction you look. I see a sliver of belief that there are blue skies and better times (as in being more emotionally and mentally stable, not necessarily having easier circumstances) on the other side, but no clear path to get there. I see desperation, the ragged clawing away at a life that's threatening to consume one's sanity.

Hope. That's what I see. And a choice to not give up, no matter how messy the process may be.

In those early days of October, I remembered the advice you hear on an airplane - in case of emergency, put on your own oxygen mask before you help anyone else. Put on my own oxygen mask first? I don't think I even had a proverbial oxygen mask.

I know what some of you are thinking. Jesus!! That's the oxygen mask we need!! I agree, but it was painfully, very painfully, obvious that I also needed to make some long-term, practical lifestyle changes. Those changes are the oxygen mask to which I'm referring.

It was no secret to my family that I wasn't handling life well. When I tearfully shared with Tim exactly how I was feeling, what I was thinking, and some things I thought would make a difference, he heard me. Then, standing together in the garage, an unlikely location for a significant conversation, he partnered with me to get my oxygen mask on.

We're all works in progress and I'll never have it all together, but my head and heart are no longer in crisis mode. I'm being intentional about making sure my oxygen mask is on. Sometimes it falls off or I forget about it completely, but overall I'm learning to take care of myself so I can live the life I desire and take care of my family the way I want to.

Giving details of what that mask looks like for me is personal, a vulnerable place I'm not willing to go, but I'm sharing this painting and its significance to me in order to encourage those living in a cloud to scratch and claw your way out to blue sky. Do whatever it takes, however long it takes, to break through. Don't give up if the process is two steps forward, one step back. Find someone you can trust with the mess your head and heart is in, a person you're comfortable being honest with and who you'll listen to when you need some tough love. Hold on to hope. Put your oxygen mask on.

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AFFIRMATIONS

A couple weeks ago I listened to someone talk about affirmations - positive declarations spoken as fact, even if they haven't happened yet. I confess the whole idea of affirmations feels a little silly to me because saying something is true doesn't make it so. I don't become healthy, wealthy, and wise simply by proclaiming that I'm healthy, wealthy, and wise. Right?

At the same time, I do believe setting goals is important and know that our words influence our thoughts, which then influence our behavior. As Mr. Burdett said during the first day of my freshman year in high school, "You don't get what you want. You get what you expect." His point was not that we'd get whatever grade we wanted by verbalizing that we expected it, but that we'd do the work required to get whatever grade we expected in his class, whether that grade was high or low. It's an accurate principle in all areas of life, one that aligns with my approach to affirmations and that of the person I listened to. Affirmations aren't a guarantee of anything, but they can be a useful tool in helping us set goals and maintaining our focus when we're discouraged, bored, or overwhelmed.

The person I listened to was from my Pampered Chef team and challenged everyone to come up with five affirmations related to our business. She also mentioned having a word of the year to focus on. As I told everyone in our group, I've never been one to do either of those things, but I decided to play along. However, I chose to make it be less about business and more about life overall, meshing things that have always mattered to me as an individual, are applicable to my job as a Pampered Chef consultant, have come up in counseling and Skyble study in relation to other areas of life, and are relevant to practical changes I already planned on making.

"Priorities" - This word is a reminder for me to pause and ask myself what matters most in the moment, then to focus on that one thing as long as necessary.

- My identity and worth is in Christ, not in any relationship I'm part of, business I run, activity I'm involved in, or skill I have.

- I'm focused on my personal goals and not distracted by the goals of others. This gives me freedom to enjoy my own process while encouraging and celebrating others in theirs.

- I set myself up for success. I accept it humbly, realizing it comes from a combination of my own hard work and circumstances beyond my control that worked to my advantage.

- I realize failure is a part of life. I accept it as a learning opportunity and chance for personal growth.

- I choose to run my business in a way that allows me to reach my financial goal, blesses those I do business with, and doesn't undermine family life.

Only time will tell if putting these thoughts on paper benefits me in any way, but I still think it was good for me to spend a little time articulating them. Have you ever written affirmations? Do you pick a word of the year? If so, how have either of those things affected your thoughts and behaviors? If not, is it something you've ever considered doing?

SKETCH CHALLENGE - SECOND HALF

I started a sketch challenge back in August, a stretch of my comfort zone and definitely out of my skill set that was inspired by a book I read and a Facebook post from a friend, but I got distracted after I finished the first half. I did another batch of sketches in early September, then did nothing until last weekend when I finally completed the challenge. I obviously didn't stick with the intended timeline, but it was important to me that I do all the sketches, to see the goal to completion. You can find all the pictures in one place in this public Facebook album, but without further ado, here is the second half of my sketches.

DAY 17: A CACTUS - Pretty basic.

DAY 18: AN HERB - I love basil!

DAY 19: A FLOWER - He loves me, he loves me not. 

DAY 20: WHAT'S IN YOUR POCKET? - I bought this key a year ago and I just love it!

DAY 21: FAVORITE ART TOOL - Art is not my strong point, so an eraser is my best art friend.

DAY 23: A BED - It may not look super comfy, but at least you can tell what it is. That counts as success in my book!

DAY 22: A KITCHEN TOOL - I don't know the official name for this thing, but it hooks on the side of your pots and pans so that you can drain liquid out. Tim had ours when we started dating and I think it's so handy!

DAY 24: SOMETHING YOU USE DAILY - Clean teeth for the win!

DAY 25: A SHOE - Love my Okabashi flip flops!

DAY 26: A BOOK - Perhaps you've heard of this one?

DAY 27: WHERE YOU GREW UP - I spent the first seven-ish years of my life in California, then have been in Oregon ever since.

DAY 28 - WHERE YOU LIVE NOW - I'm a happy minority in a town of about 25,500 people where most residents speak Spanish and a little Mexican bakery cranks out the best pan dulce, an abundance of Russian families live and onion-domed churches serve the Orthodox among them, and a senior neighborhood with over 1,500 individual homes and a few assisted living facilities ensure that you'll see plenty of grandparents out and about.

DAY 29: A RESTAURANT - Avo-Cobb-O Salad or an A-1 Peppercorn Burger? Always a tough decision!

DAY 30: A SCHOOL - I've never attended a school like this, but I think they're neat.

DAY 31: VACATION DESTINATION - Ocean sunsets and mountain trails through trees? Yes, please!

And that's that. Now on to find the next way to challenge myself to do something that doesn't come naturally to me!

LEARNING A NEW SKILL

I've discovered that if you make and stick to a budget, know how to stretch a dollar, shop and cook in bulk for the purpose of freezing or dehydrating food for later, plan menus, and have gardened at various times, then people assume you also can your food. If they find out you homebirth and homeschool, then they definitely have you in a "she must can, that's what those folks do" box and are shocked to find out you don't. 

It's true that I  do all those other things, but I don't can. My family never did and I never have. I know it's not hard, but it intimidates me, which I realize is completely absurd given that I spend hours in the kitchen and am comfortable there. 

However, last year I decided I'd just go for it. It's definitely something that fits with our lifestyle, which is why I don't blame people for being surprised to find out I don't can food, and I didn't have a good reason not to try. So I bought a water bath canner set at Costco ... and it sat in the cabinet for a year. I got it with the intention of canning applesauce (I usually freeze it), but the season got away from me and it just didn't happen. 

I'm frugal and don't spend money on things that don't get used. I lean toward minimalism and don't want things in our home that aren't earning the space they take up. Those two facts meant I had to can this year!!

I asked a friend to come over and walk me through a batch of applesauce, but she had a kid wake up sick that morning and had to bail. The apples really needed to be processed, so I decided to put on my big girl pants and just do it alone. I pulled out Ball's Blue Book Guide to Preserving that a friend gave me last summer when I thought was going to can and watched some Youtube videos (one, two, and three). Then I got busy!

I had the kids take some pictures along the way because I wanted picture proof of my little adventure if it was successful. I used my apple peeler, corer, & slicer to process about 20 pounds of apples from our trip to Beilke Family Farm.

Peel, core, & slice. Repeat. Repeat again. And again. And again.

My stockpot was finally full of apples and cooking on the stove. I don't think they sell my exact one anymore, but this IKEA stockpot is very similar to mine. I've had mine for a couple years now and I love it!!

Anyway, back to canning. Our stove has one large burner and three small ones, so I moved the apples to stay warm in the back while I sterilized the jars in the front.

Finally, it was time to fill the jars.

And wipe the jars.

And put the jars back in the pot.

The result? Seven quarts of canned applesauce.

And one gal who's glad she finally stretched her comfort zone in this area!

What's something you want to learn, but are intimidated about? I encourage you to give it a try! Whether it ends up being as great as you hope or something you never want to do again, at least you'll know you gave it your best shot. No regrets, right?

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