BOOKS I FINISHED - MARCH 2025

 

All My Knotted-Up Life, written by Beth Moore

Despite Beth Moore's decades of popularity within Christian circles, I'd never read anything she's written or watched her speak. I do love memoirs, though, and have only heard good things about this one. I tried the audio first, as I like memoirs read by their authors, but her voice was nothing like I expected and the difference was distracting to me. I thoroughly enjoyed the print version, though, and loved her writing style. Her story is filled with trauma and brokenness, both as a child and an adult, but also filled with people who made a positive impact on her life, her own perseverance through hard times, and a deep love of Jesus. She writes about it all in a way that's simultaneously heart-breaking, tender, funny, honest, and respectful.

p. 2, The same distance that can clarify a story can also cloud it. The trick in writing a memoir is knowing which is which.

p. 14, Family has a way of freezing its constituents in time, for better or for worse, confident that what was true twenty years ago is true now and will be true in twenty more. Unchecked, we lose sight of one another's otherness. We're amoebas, constantly swallowing one another or splitting off, simultaneously demanding singularity and intimacy.

p. 86, And when enough hardship happens within a small circumference, the roads to all the familiar places are little more than crisscrossing scars. By the time every direction you could take at a four-way stop - right, left, straight ahead, or reverse - carries the stomach-turning scent of carnage, moving can mean surviving.

p. 109, A teenager doesn't know she's still a child. A teenager feels like an adult, I suppose primarily because her outside, her flesh and her face, her body, her size, her width and height, look like - and can function like, get pregnant like, can party like, get arrested like, and die just like - an adult. She thinks she's making decisions as a grown-up with a fully developed brain and, in a case like mine, a fully developed faith. She's wrong about both of those beliefs. But chances are, she will not realize what a child she was until, as a full-grown adult, she knows and loves a teenager.

p. 118, All come to Jesus by faith. No one comes by formula.

p. 123, Isn't that the way it is? We think we can break all the rules and still be the exceptions who make it. We think love will always be enough, but when we're early in it and the chemistry is acute, we don't know that love isn't always a feeling. We haven't yet learned it is as often an action when we're momentarily bankrupt of affection.

p. 134, I've come to believe that, far beyond the more romantic things, love means finding some measure of safety with one another in a world that couldn't be less safe. 

p. 158, A seed needs planting in order to grow. It needs patience. If the seed was cast from the hand of God, he will surely sprout it, in his time, in his way. If it came from good human intentions, consider it no waste. It was a mortal's vocalized belief that you have something to offer, and while that person may prove mistaken about the precise form, that faith can act as fertilizer to the soil.

p. 187, It's not a bad idea for wounded pride to bleed for a lifetime. Let that self-righteous fool in me hemorrhage.

p. 213, Critics, too, have been my teachers. I needed to know where I'd spoken out of turn, taught wrongly, or been misunderstood. As humiliating as it could be, I also needed to see at times how others saw me or hear at times how they heard me. Those in the public eye will never be relieved of criticism. It's baked in and probably should be. The trick to dealing with criticism is letting it to its good work but forbidding it to demoralize and destroy or to embitter. 

p. 254, I believe in the grace of God. I breathe by the grace of God. I have needed the floodgates of forgiveness opened wide all my life. I believe in nothing more passionately than I believe in the power of repentance and the completeness of forgiveness in Christ. But I believe the wheel of repentance cranks by our coming nose to nose with the wrong and owning responsibility and confessing and coming into agreement with God's opinion on it. 

Before and After: The Incredible Real-Life Stories of Orphans Who Survived the Tennessee Children's Home Society, written by Judy Christie and Lisa Wingate

Wingate's popular book Before We Were Yours resulted in a somewhat spontaneous reunion of TCHS adoptees and their families. That weekend together, one year after the book's publication, culminated in this devastating and beautiful book filled with their personal stories. Adoption always comes from loss, regardless of the specific details, and forever impacts adoptees, as well as their birth and adoptive families. However, the corruption of TCHS - stealing and selling children for profit - and decades of limited access victims had to birth records escalated the trauma to a whole new level. While this book has lots of very sad placement stories, it also has happy ones. Ultimately, all the stories are of various types of survival, growth, and healing. 

p. 193, We have no way of changing the past. Anger and resentments can hold us captive there, bring us back again and again. Forgiveness frees us to move forward, into the now, into new possibilities, into the future. 

p. 263, In my life today, I have the same responsibility: to speak out when wrong is done. We all do.

We have to pay attention, raise our voices, have compassion, do good. 

p. 271, The history we deny is the history we are most likely to repeat.

The Day the World Came to Town: 9/11 in Gander, Newfoundland, written by Jim Defede and narrated by Ray Porter

I've always known about this small community that had 38 planes unexpectedly land at their airport when America stopped all flights in the immediate aftermath of the 9/11 hijackings, but I never knew any details. Despite stemming from the horror of terrorism, this is a heartwarming story about many of the individuals who landed in Gander, several of the people who live there, and the beautiful way their lives became intertwined for several days. It's a story of abundant kindness, generosity, cooperation, and humility. It's a reminder to look for ways to cheerfully, and even sacrificially, help others - strangers, people who live very differently than you, and people who don't speak the same language as you. 

How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind, written by John Van Epp, Ph.D. (UPDATE - Newer editions of this book have an updated title of "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk".)

This is an excellent book! My unmarried years are nearly 26 years behind me, but someone mentioned this author's Relationship Attachment Model and it intrigued me. Given that I have three unmarried kids (and a whole bunch of unmarried friends), I thought it would be worth reading to see if there were any nuggets of wisdom worth passing along to them. It turns out that the book itself is one giant nugget. Whether you're a teen, elderly, or somewhere in between, male or female, never married or previously married, with a track record of unhealthy relationships or still waiting for your first dating relationship, I highly recommend reading this book. Filled with scientific research, real life examples, and practical advice, including helpful lists of things to learn about your partner, this book is a straightforward and encouraging guide to navigating dating relationships in such a way that you significantly increase your chances of eventually having a healthy, happy marriage. 

p. 17, However, the most fundamental identifying feature of true jerks is their persistent resistance to ever changing their core jerk qualities. No matter how many times they have been confronted by you or others, they still persist in their hurtful pattern.

p. 20, Without a plan for building safe relationships and determining the true character of the partner you picked, you can easily find your emotional immune system compromised and your vulnerability to unhealthy relationships heightened. 

p. 21, If attachment is the glue in relationships, then an accelerated attachment is like superglue. It activates a willingness to overlook and minimize obvious problems; it blinds your vision so that you only see the part, never the whole; and it intoxicates your emotions and hormones so that you feel safe and secure in this newfound love. It is crucial to realize that your ability to form strong and loving bonds can betray you if you do not intentionally pace a new relationship. 

p. 23, (visual of sound system equalizer for RAM with know, trust, rely, commit, and touch as the sliders)

p. 25, There is one basic rule for guarding the safe zone: never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous. 

p. 33, If you keep involving yourself with partners who all turn out to have the same problems, then you may be compelled by unhealthy needs. If so, then it is crucial that you do the work to correct these problems so that you can be ready to choose a healthy partner.

p. 37, Time is the ultimate proof of a promise to change.

p. 38, Unhealthy emotional needs lead people to develop one of three relationship patterns that attempt to interpersonally resolve what can only be fixed intrapersonally. In other words, when you do not deal directly with your issues, they often become embedded in your relationships. At that point, you may not longer recognized them as your won issues, because they have become clouded by the dynamics of the relationship. You plunge forward to fix the relationship, all the while needing really to fix yourself. Regrettably, it does not work and your relationship continues to suffer. This will repeat until you identify your own problems and make the necessary changes within yourself.

p. 58, I=T+T+T. Intimacy equals. Talk (mutual self-disclosure) plus Togetherness (diversified experiences) plus Time. 

p. 108, Find a partner with whom you have the three Cs - chemistry, complementarity, and comparability. Your partner needs to be irresistible to you. You and your partner should have key areas that are similar, and your differences should blend together in mutually beneficial ways. 

p. 119, A gift or good deed should not be used to smooth over a pattern of hurtful words.

p. 121, Listening is more than just passive silence. If you are a good listener, then you must be able to convince the person you are listening to that you have really heard and understand him or her. < snip > You listen to what is said so you can reflect it with such accuracy that the person talking will feel like you are reading his or her mind. You become a connoisseur of that person's thoughts, feelings, perspectives, and beliefs. 

p. 123, Try to find someone who shares your interests, values, and perspectives on life, and who can relate them to you with words and actions that are congruent.

p. 143, You should assume that the way your partner treats a stranger or a worst enemy will most likely be the way you will be treated at some point in time.

p. 163, Remember, although there is little from your family and childhood that will not influence your present, there is also much that can be altered and redeemed with insight, new information, and hard work. However, relational insight and change are much more easily accomplished before rather than after marriage.

p. 194, Simply stated, the conscience is your mind looking in the mirror. It examines who you are and what you are doing. It facilitates self-reflection.

p. 219, Take away trust, and you lose the core of intimacy; live without trust, and you will be consumed with insecurity, anger, and paranoia. Regain trust with someone who is trustworthy, and you will experience the healing power of this bonding relationship dynamic. Trust is the ground from which all your expectations grow.

p. 237, Forgiveness is the act of facing the pain and anger that someone has brought into your life and letting go of any need or desire to pay that person back.

Trust, on the other hand, is a confidence in the integrity of a person to act in a particular way. Forgiveness is past oriented; trust is present and future focused. Forgiveness is about letting go; trust is about holding on. Forgiveness is something undeserved; trust is something earned.

p. 238, At the same time, know that repeated times of forgiving the same offense may indicated a reason to rethink your trust. It may not be an issue of forgiveness; instead, it may be a warning sign of untrustworthy patterns. 

p. 252, Not until love requires sacrifice does it earn the right to be called love.

p. 254, You are in an unsafe relationship when you depend on a partner who has not earned your trust or who has consistently broken your trust.

p. 291, Whenever you have allowed a relationship dynamic to become significantly more developed than a previous dynamic, as represented in the RAM, then you put yourself at risk. 

p. 307, Change your present perspective and change what you think and do, and you can change your future. You are not a slave to your past. Your present situation may be the result of some of the decisions you made in your past, but your future will be the result of decisions you make now.

The Keeper of Hidden Books, written by Madeline Martin and narrated by Saskia Maarleveld

People saving books and books saving people. That's the core of this book based in Warsaw during the Nazi occupation. Two lifelong friends, one of whom is Jewish, find themselves among others who value literature enough to put their lives at risk to save banned books. And, of course, the non-Jewish friend is willing to risk her life to save that of her Jewish friend. It's a story of oppression, friendship, and believing in something strongly enough to do what's right, regardless of the cost.

8:08:41, Good books were like amazing sunsets or awe-inspiring landscapes, better enjoyed with someone else. There was no greater experience in the world than sharing the love of a book, discussing its finer points, and reliving the story all over again.”

The Librarian Spy, written by Madeline Martin and narrated by Saskia Maarleveld

Having enjoyed another book by Martin last month, I looked for an audiobook of hers that was available immediately this month and ended up with this one. Set during WWII, this book alternates between two locations. An American woman is sent from her job as a librarian at the Library of Congress to Portugal as a spy. At the same time, a French woman ends up working for the Resistance, operating a printing press. Each woman has experienced significant loss and their stories eventually intertwine as they find meaning in their dangerous work. This makes two of Martins books that I've enjoyed, so I plan on reading more. 

51:15, There were many ways in which one could read. Either tucked into the corner of the sofa with a strong cup of coffee or lying in bed with the book hovering above one's face - though admittedly this is not done without peril. But there were also unconventional methods, like while cooking dinner or crossing the street - sometimes even while brushing one's teeth if the story was truly that engrossing.

5:03:23, Understanding and knowledge were wasted if one did not apply them to life.

7:15:40, “Perhaps that is the draw of books.” James put his hand over hers. “To show us the way even when we think the path is too dark to see.”

The LOVE Prescription: 7 Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy, written by John Gottman, PhD and Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD

I added this one to my TBR when I saw it at the library eighteen months ago, but seeing it as a recent "skip the line" audiobook option on Libby prompted me to finally check out a physical copy. This small book, written by a couple who's spent decades researching marriage, is concise and practical. Although I chose to read the whole book in one sitting, it's designed to be a one week guide in developing some beneficial habits. Whether used as a supplement to keep an already healthy relationship on course or as a way to help shift the dynamic of an unhealthy one in a better direction, the tools in this book will be useful. In fact, I recognized some of the authors' work referenced in this book as the source of some info Tim and I were given in counseling a couple years ago. 

Sidenote - There's no shame in couples counseling. Marriage takes work. Two very different people sharing a life and roof with each other forever sometimes requires a neutral third party to lend some help. If you need help, get it. I'll cheer you on.

p. xi, Tiny little doses, every day, is what it takes to make a healthy relationship. Why? Because that's exactly what a relationship is - no one big thing, but a million tiny things, every day, for a lifetime.

p. xix, Small things often.

p. 8, Successful couples don't fight less than other couples - they fight better. And turning toward is the single biggest predictor of this.

p. 22, The first step in rebuilding their marriage wasn't to ask each other "How are you? but "Who are you?"

p. 44, Couples who were unhappily married missed 50 percent of the positive things the other partner did. It wasn't that happily married couples were doing more sweet or helpful things for each other than the unhappily married ones - they were simply better at seeing their partner doing them. 

p. 46, A thriving relationship requires a thriving culture of appreciation between partners, where we're as good at noticing all the things our partners are doing right as we are at noticing what they're doing wrong. 

p. 70, Negativity has much more power to inflict damage and cause pain than positivity does to heal and bring you closer. That's why we need five times more positives than negatives during conflict.

p. 70, In your typical everyday life, as you and your partner are going about your business - cooking meals, negotiating chores, parenting your kids, chatting about your day - you'll need, at minimum, twenty positive interactions for each negative one. 

p. 73, Intention meant nothing; impact was everything. And the difference between the extremely unhappy couples and the very happy couples boiled down to one simple thing: the happy couples were kinder when they spoke to each other - they treated each other more gently, without criticism, contempt, or sarcasm. 

p. 76, If you've ever lit a fire, you know exactly what we mean - just like a fire, a relationship needs tending. You don't just leave it alone and hope for the best. You tend to it. You add scraps of kindling. You give it a breath of fresh air. 

p. 78, Contempt is corrosive - if it gets in there, it can rapidly eat through all the good in a marriage or partnership like rust does to metal, no matter ow strong and ironclad it once was. Admiration is a powerful protectant ensuring that contempt never even gets a toehold.

p. 139, Making a firm commitment to date night is like setting up a fortress for the two of you against the constant onslaught of the world - all the demands and deadlines and to-do tasks; the churn of chores and errands, even the deeply worthwhile pursuits you have dedicated yourself to, whether in your career or in parenting, or both. This time is not extra. It's not a bonus or reward. It's an investment. 

p. 151, There were times they wondered if they would make it. There was no big revelation that kept them together. There was just the daily work of deciding, moment to moment, that their marriage was worth it, and that they chose it, again and again. 

The Masterpiece, written by Fiona Davis and narrated by Cassandra Campbell 

This novel, told in two different time periods, is about a woman who taught in an art school inside Grand Central Terminal and one who got a job working in the building's information booth several decades later. The first was a well known artist who faced discrimination because of her gender before disappearing. The second was adjusting to life after a divorce that moved her from high society to struggling to pay her bills. While I could have done without some of the choices they each made with men, the mystery surrounding the missing artist and an unsigned piece of art, as well as trying to figure out how and when the two timelines would converge, kept me interested. It felt average to me - not one I was totally sucked into, but something to listen to while I worked outside. I heard about it from What Should I Read Next?, episode 151 - Knockout books for a recovering completionist. 

6:22:08, The confusion of the modern day world was too much. Everyone did what they wanted, in spite of who got hurt. 

Night, written by Elie Wiesel, translated from French by Marion Wiesel, and narrated by George Guidall, with foreword by Francois Mauriac, preface by Wiesel not in original publication, and including Guidall's narration of the author's 1986 Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech

The shortest wait on my Libby holds list is several weeks away, so I looked for an audiobook that was available immediately and this one was on the "skip the line" list. Originally written in Yiddish and the prolific author's first book, it's a concise story of sixteen year old Wiesel's experience of Nazis invading his community, the subsequent deportation of his family to a concentration camp, and the time spent trying to survive with his father as they end up living in two different camps before liberation. Random trivia - In looking up for information about Wiesel, who died nine years ago, I discovered his wife died just last month. 

The Situation Room: The Inside Story of Presidents in Crisis, written by George Stephanopoulos and narrated by George Stephanopoulos, Peter Ganim, and Elisabeth Rodgers

Chosen simply because it was available immediately, this was definitely a random book choice for me. However, I found it far more interesting than I anticipated and ended up listening to the whole thing in one day. Including several recordings from those who were interviewed, it talks about the White House Situation Room, one of the most secretive and important places for our government. A dozen presidents, from Kennedy through Biden, as well as a specific crisis necessitating use of what's referred to as the Sit Room that was faced during their time in office, are each given a chapter in the book. It's an informative look into the space itself, major decisions that have been made in it, and the people who spent their time there (or avoided the space, depending on the person). 

Soul School: Taking Kids on a Joy-Filled Journey Through the Heart of Black America Culture, written by Amber O'Neal Johnston

I enjoyed another of Johnston's books - A Place to Belong: Celebrating Diversity and Kinship in the Home and Beyond - last year, so I was excited for the release of her new book a few weeks ago. In the first fourth of the book she talks about the importance of kids seeing themselves represented in the books they read, why those representations shouldn't only be about slavery or civil rights for black kids, and a long list of aspects of their culture that should be included in what they read. The rest is an incredible book list, broken down by age group (2-17 years old). She describes each book, explains why she chose it, gives excellent discussion questions, suggests related activities, and includes two other book titles that fall into a similar category. With 120 highlighted books and 240 more bonus titles, this is a phenomenal resource for anyone who reads books to kids, regardless of skin color. The books she's highlighted will be a mirror for black kids and a window for others, two perspectives that are equally important. 

xvi, I've heard the arguments about "great" literature and why it doesn't matter that it's mostly white:

"We're all the same. Race shouldn't be a factor in choosing books."

Race will stop being a factor in books when it stops being a factor in society. I agree that it "shouldn't" matter, but it does. We're righting a wrong by adding books to our children's world that should always have been there. 

"Great books transcend race and culture. They're universal, so everyone can relate to them."

That's true. But why do people of color always have to leap the farthest to make the connection? Are white stories the only universal stories? If books are just books and Black kids are expected to relate to white books, then white kids can relate to Black books, too. It makes no sense that the expectation would only run one way.

p. 5, Providing books that give honest and varied views of different people's lives is like pulling back the curtains of a darkened room, allowing light to pour in.

p. 29, Cultural anxiety is rattling our nation, and our children are suffering. They're stuck between warring adults who can't decide whether to ignore our traumatic past or hang it out for all to see. 

p. 46, Honest history is necessary and sometimes heavy, but hard doesn't mean bad. 

p. 57, Teach children to carry a book wherever they go so later in life they'll always be prepared in waiting rooms, traffic, and customer service lines. 

p. 60, Readers are self-educated lifelong learners.

Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know About the People We Don't Know, written and narrated by Malcom Gladwell

This fascinating book uses situations that made national and worldwide headlines to demonstrate how and why we so frequently misread people, whether in their favor or against it, as well as the repercussions for our wrong assumptions. While the print version would be just as informative, the audio includes actual recordings from many of the people quoted in his book and there are people who reenact court proceedings that couldn't be recorded. That enhancement makes audio a great format for this particular book, which explains why it was included in the podcast I heard about it on - What Should I Read Next?, episode 209 - Cracking the audiobook code. Heads up that two different sexual assault cases are examined, including courtroom testimonies, which can be a deal-breaker for some readers.

1:15:11 (quoting Emily Pronin ... I'm guessing at where her quote ends and his words begin based on the cadence of the narration) "The conviction that we know others better than they know us, and that we have insights about them that they lack, but not vice versa, leads us to talk when we would do well to listen, and to be less patient than we ought to when others express the conviction that they are the ones who are being misunderstood or judged unfairly." We think we can easily see into the hearts of others based on the flimsiest of clues. We jump at the chance to judge strangers. We would never do that to ourselves, of course. We are nuanced and complex and enigmatic. But the stranger is easy. If I can convince you of one thing in this book, let it be this: Strangers are not easy. 

Tortured for Christ, written by Richard Wurmbrand

Some friends had this book sitting next to them before church one day and offered to let me read it. The author, founder of what is now called The Voice of the Martyrs, was a Romanian Jew and Lutheran priest. He went to prison twice, a total of 14 years, for talking about his Christian faith in a communist, atheist country. Upon his second release, provided by the payment of a ransom much larger than usual, he was encouraged to emigrate to America to speak freely on behalf of those being tortured and killed around the world because of their faith. Regardless of whether one shares his particular religious beliefs or not, his story is an important one because the ability to worship freely and talk about one's beliefs is a right everyone should have.

p. 67, A man really believes not what he recites in his creed, but only the things he is ready to die for.

p. 87, To keep liberty for all denominations and all theologies, and to regain it where it has been lost due to widespread religious persecution, is more important than to insist upon one certain theological opinion. 

Vera Wong's Unsolicited Advice for Murderers, written by Jesse Q. Sutanto and narrated by Eunice Wong

I heard about this novel in a Modern Mrs. Darcy e-mail or blog post last summer and immediately put it on my TBR. The protagonist is an older widow, the owner of a Chinese tea shop that only has one customer. One morning she discovers a dead man on the floor of her shop and, believing the cause of death to be murder and the police to be incompetent in their investigation, she sets out to solve the mystery herself. Filled with with humor, people with secrets, unhealthy relationships, and found family, it was a fun book to listen to. 

1/20/23 - WORTH REPEATING

First, being present. Which I get, it's like, kind of overused these days. But for me, being present means caring so much about the thing you're doing or the person you're with that you stop caring about all the other things you need to do. And it's essential in delivering unreasonable hospitality. See, so often we have such long to-do lists that we aren't able to slow down enough to actually listen to the people around us, to the things they're saying and all the things they're not saying.

Will Guidara // The Secret Ingredients of Great Hospitality // TED Talks

*****

It does not take a big budget to start infusing this into your culture, because remember, it's not the cost of the gesture that matters. It's how it makes people feel. 

Will Guidara // The Secret Ingredients of Great Hospitality // TED Talks

*****

Marriage means responsibility. 

~ Victor Moore as Aloysius T. McKeever // It Happened on 5th Avenue

*****

A house, any house, is only what its occupants make it.  

~ Victor Moore as Aloysius T. McKeever // It Happened on 5th Avenue


*****

Here’s the thing. In Revelations, it says to us that there will be worshipers in Heaven from every tribe, language, nation and people group. To me, I don’t take that lightly. And so my point there is if we really want to have a more accurate picture of who God is, then we need to be more intimately engaged with all God’s people. And I think one of the things in the West, we’ve crippled ourself and our own discipleship because our pride helps us to think that we, because we have more money, we have more education, we have more power, we can dictate to everyone else who God is and how we should respond to God and what God is like. 

But the irony to that to me is that the number of people that are considering themselves people of faith, or going to church, particularly as Christians is declining in the United States. That is not the case in Asia. It’s not the case in Africa. So I think there’s a certain amount of humility is required to say, what can we learn from the global church? What can we learn from all God’s people, people from every tribe, language, nations and people group?

~ Natasha Sistrunk Robinson // Voices of Lament with Natasha Sistrunk Robinson and Mariah Humphries // Emily P. Freeman's The Next Right Thing

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US

Love is not caring if your head is a mass of unruly hair everywhere except your eyes, nose, and forehead, but getting it all cleaned up anyway because your wife cares a whole lot more than you do.

Love is paying for a haircut for the first time ever because you or your wife usually cut it, but neither of you can do a fade, which is what you need, and she can't learn today.

Love is laughing while your husband goofs off when you demand a picture with his newly groomed self.

Love is tearing up as you say goodbye at his first departure in another season of mostly living apart.
 

BOOKS I FINISHED - SEPTEMBER 2021

The Downstairs Girl, written by Stacey Lee

Race and gender. Loyalty and betrayal. Poverty and wealth. Respect and scandal. Notoriety and anonymity. Danger and security. Love and loss. Submission and defiance. This story has a little of everything. 

p. 266, An anxious mind makes lions of tumbleweeds. Live in the present, not in the future.

p. 313, Like a candle that can light a thousand more without shortening its own life, appreciation is a gift that, when given, can set the whole world aglow. Do your part in passing it along.

p. 349, The biggest threats are the ones we fail to acknowledge.

Making Love Last Forever, written by Gary Smalley

Addressing our own anger, dealing with our expectations that don't sync with reality, not hinging our happiness solely on the state of our marriage, learning healthier ways to communicate, and recognizing the benefits in being wired differently than our spouses are just some of the topics addressed in this book about marriage. 

p. 20, Actually, anger is a secondary emotion, not a primary feeling. It arises out of fear, frustration, hurt, or some combination of these three. 

p. 71, The wider the gap between what we expect and the reality of what we experience, the greater the potential for discouragement and fatigue.

p. 133, How do we build better connections with others? Through shared experiences, intimate conversations, meaningful touch, and - one of the best ways I've discovered - shared crises.

p. 217, Its been extremely helpful to me to understand that whenever I'm in conflict with someone, one or two things are occurring: Someone's feelings aren't being valued and understood or someone's needs are not being valued and met. 

Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, written by Mary Roach

This book addresses everything from human crash test dummies to decapitation to cannibalism for medicinal purposes to the decomposition of a body and more. Occasionally disturbing, often witty, and always interesting.

p. 195, It is astounding to me, and achingly sad, that with eighty thousand people on the waiting list for donated hearts and livers and kidneys, with sixteen a day dying there on that list, that more than half of the people in the position H's family was in will say no, will choose to burn those organs or let them rot. We abide the surgeon's scalpel to save our own lives, our loved ones' lives, but not to save a stranger's life. H has no heart, but heartless is the last thing you'd call her. 

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MILESTONE FLOWERS

I don't always publicly acknowledge milestone dates related to Mom, and hadn't planned on it this year, but Tim surprised me with this gorgeous cyclamen last night for the anniversary of her death. Isn't it pretty? I appreciate that he kept the date on his radar and did something about it. 

12/1/20 - WORTH REPEATING

*****

And what I’ve discovered is that thoughts running wild will lead to emotions running wild. And when emotions are left unchecked, life gets heavy really fast.

~ Heather Aardema in Rising with a New Routine at No Sidebar

***** 

I made that decision in anger. It was the biggest mistake of my life. 

~ Geoffrey Rush as Michael Kingley in Storm Boy

*****

"I want to be rich."

"That's not a goal; it's a result." 

~ Baotian Li as Grandfather and Xin Yi Yang as Ren Xing in The Nightingale

*****

This is what I know. In the deepest, blackest night of despair, if you can get just one pinhole of light ... all of grace rushes in. 

~ Tim Ferris quoting Auburn Sandstrom in The Story of a Curious Phone Call at The Tim Ferriss Show

*****

Most people get married believing a myth, that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for - companionship, intimacy, friendship.

The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage; love is in people, and people put it into marriage. There is no romance in marriage; people have to infuse it into their marriages. 

A couple must learn the art and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising - keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty.

~ Dr. J. Allan Peterson

***** 

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21 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

Today is our 21st anniversary, so we headed out for dinner with a gift certificate put toward the cause. But first, a picture. 

Then a picnic at Mike's Drive-In. I ate a burger without any problems last week, but I couldn't bite into this one without my teeth throbbing. This was a bit of a crisis because I was ravenous. Sometimes love looks like a husband walking back into a restaurant to get a plastic knife for his wife to cut her burger with.

I've never cut a burger into baby bites before, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Thankfully, our ice cream options didn't hurt our teeth at all. Bonus points for the fact that taking straw pictures hides the fact that I have a ridiculously awkward smile these days, which meant we could delete all the horrible pictures we took before this one.

I'm thankful for a simple celebration - perfect weather for an outdoor dinner, food we didn't have to cook. time to chat about life and marriage on the drive and through the meal, and a walk through the neighborhood, including a stop to visit with a new neighbor and his friend.

5/13/20 - WORTH REPEATING

*****

It's cool when you give from the hip; it's a game-changer when you give from the heart.

~ Michael Jr. on More Than Funny


*****

Even simple jobs or simple ideas, backed by worthy causes, are ... that's the best you can do.

~ Casey Roman in Van Life: The Duck of Justice


*****

Is the spirit you reflect building your marriage or building a wall?

~ Judy Slaughter in To Love Their Husbands, part two on 4/7/20


*****

No matter how hard things get, the birds always sing in the morning.

~ Zoo 


*****

Pride is the greatest of all evils that beset us, and of all our enemies it is that which dies the slowest and hardest.

~ J. N. Darby, quoted in Brokenness, Surrender, Holiness: A Revive Our Hearts Trilogy, written by Nancy Leigh DeMoss


*****

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LONG-DISTANCE LOVE

We're about five weeks into this season of social distancing, three since our governor issued an executive order to stay at home unless doing essential business, which means the Ws haven't gone anywhere or spent time with friends in quite a while. 

Tim has continued working full-time, but has otherwise been home. Silas left for work one week, worked remotely for two weeks, went in for a few hours one day during week four, and just left for a brief time at work today in week five. Devon's continued his job helping an elderly couple in town, taking extra precautions so they never come near each other, but has otherwise been home. Naomi and Tyler haven't left home at all in almost five weeks. I've left for two grocery shopping trips in a month and don't plan to leave for another two weeks or more, but have otherwise been home. The only other exception to us being home is taking several walks around our neighborhood. We miss people, of course, but understand this won't last forever. 

It can feel like forever, though. Of all the Ws, I suspect that forever feeling is probably strongest for Silas. I don't know the exact date he last saw Natie, but it's been about four weeks. That's a long time when you only live 15 minutes apart. FaceTime has made it possible for them to talk regularly and interact with each other's families, but it's obviously not the same as hanging out in person. I've told him this is similar to (although obviously not exactly the same as) the experience of many couples who have long-distance relationships, whether because they're going to school in separate states, one travels a lot for work, or another is deployed for long periods of time. The good news is this time apart will be relatively short in the scheme of things. 

One of the ways they've stayed connected during social distancing is to mail letters back and forth, which reminded me of the early days of Tim and I dating. 

Prior to the start of our relationship, I'd committed to spending a summer in Russia. That meant saying goodbye at the end of the school year so Tim could leave Ashland to spend a couple months working in Portland and I could leave the country. One of the things we did to feel connected during that time apart was to buy journals. We spent the summer writing to each other in them, swapping to read what the other wrote when we eventually reunited. Nine weeks without seeing each other, seven and a half weeks without any contact of any kind. It was so hard! 

I pulled those journals out yesterday and skimmed over their pages for the first time in several years, remembering the details of our lives during that season - fun things we were doing, decisions being made, interesting experiences, what we cared about, who we spent time with, stressful situations. The time apart wasn't something we'd have chosen, but we were intentional about finding ways to invest in our relationship when we couldn't be together.

If you find yourself unable to be with the person you're dating because of the pandemic (or for any other reason, for that matter), I encourage you to find ways to stay connected beyond screen interaction. Keep up with those video chats, for sure, but also have something tangible you can look back on later to remember how you kept your relationship a priority while you were separated.

WEDDING DRESS TIME

I was sorting through some old things yesterday and came across my wedding dress. Naomi asked if we could both try it on, so we did. 

So fun! I remembered that she'd tried it on once before, but hadn't realized it was so long ago. She's grown quite a bit since then!

JUST A BRAG ON MY HUSBAND

I've always said one of the things I appreciate most about Tim is that he's willing to do whatever it takes to put food on the table. It doesn't matter if it's something totally new to him, his level of education exceeds what's required for the task, or the job is only short-term. His work ethic has been a huge blessing to our family!

As most of you know, the last several years have been interesting in the employment department. Tim overcame multiple obstacles to get his BA (2001) and MAT (2005) which led to a career as a teacher. After several years of teaching, he persevered through challenging circumstances and went on to get his IAL (2013), allowing him to be a school administrator. Then, despite getting awesome grades and rave reviews from everyone - students, classified staff, licensed teachers, administrators, and professors in his admin program - along the way, as well as having multiple situations where he was told during interviews that a district wanted to hire him, he couldn't land a job for several years.

People often asked if we should just accept that education was a closed door. We were certainly open to Tim moving on to something different, but no other doors opened. We're not a flashy family and live comfortably on less than most people would assume a family of six needs, but taking an entry level job at minimum wage just wasn't going to cut it. Meanwhile, education continued to feed our family and pay our bills through subbing during the school year and God always provided temporary jobs when subbing dried up in the summer. So we just stayed the course.

Until we didn't.

Tim was presented with a new opportunity. He took it. We committed to giving it one year, then we'd reevaluate.

It's now been eighteen months since he joined the International Union of Operating Engineers and he loves it. He's learned new things, met new people, and had new experiences. He's been a crane oiler, elevator operator, and passed the first of multiple crane operator license tests he plans to master. He's lived in the Gorge part-time working on a railroad, driven to Eugene each morning to work at Hayward Field, worked high on the new Multnomah County Central Courthouse with a great view of the Willamette River, and been part of a project on MLK in Portland. Each job lasts several months and has different shift hours, so our family has had to acclimate to a new normal from time to time, but it's been a positive experience and we're grateful for this season of our lives.

As for me, I'm so very thankful for a husband who works hard, never complains about funky hours or long days, and always contributes to household and family responsibilities when he's home. I'm really proud of how he's always kept a positive attitude in the midst of unstable employment. He's grabbed this mid-life career change by the horns, choosing to cheerfully look forward to a new season and make the best of it instead of wallowing in frustration about what feels to me like a whole lot of wasted time, money, and sacrifice for the previous season. He just does the best he can with whatever's in front of him, then rolls with the punches.

Why has it taken me so long to say all this? The career change wasn't a secret and he didn't mind if I shared the new situation if it came up naturally in conversation, but he specifically asked that I not make an announcement. So I've restrained my chatty self, resisted the urge to use part of my huge daily allotment of words, and respected his wishes.

A few days ago I asked for a picture of him in one of his union hats after work. He complied. Later I asked if he minded if I did a blog post saying I was proud of how he's handled his career change, as doing so would naturally require talking about the fact he's no longer working in the education field. He declined. Then he changed his mind the next day. So now I've told all of you why I think he's awesome.

And now I'll show you how difficult he makes my life.

I asked for a picture and got this cheesy face.

Tried again and got this nonsense.

Begged and got something closer to normal.

Finally got him to laugh and snapped a picture.

And that's that. Just a steady, hard-working guy who does whatever it takes to pay the bills and makes time with his family a priority. 

What? You want a picture of him on the job? Ok, fine. This was from a few days ago, his first day on a warm, internal elevator after months on a cold, exterior one.

And now that's really that. 

BOOKS I FINISHED - MARCH 2020

*****

Allie and Bea, written by Catherine Ryan Hyde
Allie's is fifteen when, for reasons beyond her control, she's suddenly sent to live in a group home where staying is unsafe, but leaving turns out to be equally dangerous. Bea's a woman in her seventies when she's scammed out of all her money, leading her to become homeless and live out of her van. Their initial meeting is stressful and their relationship has a rocky start, but the two develop a meaningful friendship as they embark on a spontaneous adventure.

p. 174, "Why are we like that? Why do we not care enough about things until they happen to us?"

"I have no idea," Bea said. "Maybe because if we cared that much about everything, all the time, all at the same time like that, we'd die of exhaustion. We'd have no time or energy left to run our own lives."

p. 182, "And imagination can be a highly fear-based phenomenon."


*****

A Love Letter Life: Purse Creatively. Date Intentionally. Love Faithfully., written by Jeremy and Audrey Roloff
Written in alternating voices, this book is the Roloff's story from how their relationship began up through their years of marriage. They share their own experiences, both the highs and lows, challenging couples to be intentional about continually nurturing their relationship.

p. 37, Pursuit is politely persistent.

p. 41, One of the key ingredients to a healthy relationship is generous servings of input from people who love and care about you.

p. 43, Western culture puts too much sexual pressure on dating. And Christian culture often puts too much pressure on the idea of finding "the one". As a general rule, whenever pressure is present, there is a higher chance of an injury.

p. 52, We were adamant about integrating rather than isolating.

p. 125, We are a culture that chases feelings as the fruit of love, while neglecting to water the tree that produces the fruit. If feelings of love endured on their accord, we would be seeing different results. However, it is apparent that the feelings of love don't last without the actions of love - watering the tree.

p. 131, God's grace makes the purity battle not about what you did with your body, but about what he did with his.


*****

Inheritance: A Memoir of Geneology, Paternity, and Love, written by Dani Shapiro
Blindsided by the discovery at fifty-four years old that her father had no biological connection to her, Shapiro sets out to learn as much as she can about the artificial insemination process through which she was conceived, how much her parents understood about it, and the man whose DNA is half responsible for her existence. Her story is woven with questions of medical ethics, religious beliefs, cultural norms, and what it means to be a family.


*****

The One and Only Ivan, written by Katherine Applegate
Ivan's a gorilla who's become resigned to life in a cage after spending nearly thirty years in captivity. It's not until the loss of an old friend, an elephant in captivity with him, and the effect of that loss on a young elephant that he finds motivation to pursue a better living situation. This novel was inspired by the story of a real silverback who spent decades confined in a cage.


*****

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BOOKS I FINISHED - JANUARY 2020

*****

Breaking Busy: How to Find Peace & Purpose in a World of Crazy, written by Alli Worthington

I need regular reminders to say no to good things, prioritize what matters most, and look to Jesus for my worth and rest. This book does those things in a down-to-earth way that's encouraging, not overwhelming.

p. 31, Sometimes we can fool ourselves into thinking self-medicating is actually self-care --- "I deserve that chocolate bar!" But if we find that our habits are directly related to stressful situations in our lives, and that they are not renewing or restoring us, then we need to recognize those choices as a warning sign of busyness.

p. 89, And though I was spoon-fed sayings like, "The world is your oyster" and "You can do anything you set your mind to," this is simply not the truth. We want to believe that we have all the options of the world available to us and that we can overcome limitations if we just try hard enough.

The reality is, we didn't choose where or two whom we were born. We didn't choose what we would look like or what our talents or passions would be. It can be frustrating to realize that we don't have as much control over our lives as we once thought.

p. 106, As soon as I catch myself thinking something that is negative or destructive, I stop myself by saying, "No. That isn't truth. But I know this to be true ..." And then I follow that up with truth that I know from Scripture. < snip >

I keep going, focusing on "whatever is true" until truth replaces my negative thoughts and that truth takes me to a place of gratitude.

p. 160, I realized I made my decisions based on the most important things in my life: faith, family, future, fulfillment, and friends.


*****

The Contender, written by Robert Lipsyte

Racial divides, crime, and drug addiction are impacting the life of a teenage boy in Harlem, so he decides to pursue boxing as a way to break free and move forward in life. That choice teaches him a lot about hard work and perseverance, character traits that serve everyone well. This is a school book for the kids that I read on my own.

p. 35, "Everybody wants to be a champion. That's not enough. You have to start by wanting to be a contender, the man coming up, the man who knows there's a good chance he'll never get to the top, the man who's willing to sweat and bleed to get up as high as his legs and his brains and his heart will take him. That must sound corny to you."

"No."

"It's the climbing that makes the man. Getting to the top is an extra reward."


*****

Grace, Not Perfection: Embracing Simplicity, Celebrating Joy, written by Emily Ley

Addressing three areas of life - ourselves, the people in our lives, and the things we're called to do - Ley talks about our thought processes and shares practical ways to put healthy ways of thinking into practice. She also gives several writing prompts for those who want help processing the concepts she talks about.

p. 2, True joy isn't found in having it all together. The good life is rich, slow, real, and flawed.

p. 9, But here's the thing about doing it all: even if you can do it all, no one can do it all well.

p. 61, Make margin for what matters. This is your one precious, crazy life. White space in your calendar is priceless. Why work so hard to fill it up? Aren't the in-between moments where we find the most joy?

p. 67, Life may be messy, but the mess is worth it.

p. 71, Just because you're good at something or just because something is a noble cause doesn't mean it needs your attention right now. Take ten minutes, and make a few phone calls or send a few e-mails. Quit. It's okay to be a quitter when you're choosing what matters.

p. 86, What if we unabashedly poured love on our loved ones and our communities, even when we don't feel like it? I don't know about you, but when I extend sincere courtesy and perform random acts of kindness, my heart suddenly feels fuller.

p. 127, You don't have to be the best at everything. Allow your weaknesses to be someone else's strengths. That's what community is for.

p. 131, Guard your heart, because what you put in it is what you'll hand out to the ones you love.

p. 139, You've heard the term balancing act, right? As I said earlier, I'm convinced that the idea of balance in life isn't a real thing. It's basically a balancing act. No one actually achieves it.

p. 180, The difference between people who achieve their goals and people don't is their ability to dust themselves off and wear their dirty outfit proudly.

p. 181, I've always believed that customer service is a ministry. It's a chance to love on people, to over-deliver, and to just do the right thing. And from time to tome, it's a chance to restore faith in humanity.

p. 188, Quit worrying about whether you're a good mother or not. In fact, here's a handy quiz to tell you definitely if you're doing a good job.

1. Do you love your children?
2. Do you make loving and caring for your people a priority?
3. Are you making the best decisions you can for your family?

If you answered yes to those questions, congratulations! You are a good mom!

p. 201, Imagine what life would look like if we were truly content with just the objects we own. Sit on that for a minute. All you have now is all you'll have.

p. 209, The peace of contentment is just as valuable as the confetti that comes with achievement.


*****

Hope Heals: A True Story of Overwhelming Loss and an Overcoming Love, written by Katherine and Jay Wolf

I loved this story of a couple whose early years of marriage and parenting were completely rocked when she had a stroke that nearly killed her. She survived, but had part of her brain removed and lost the ability to walk, talk, swallow, and hear through one ear. After two years of non-stop medical care and the return of some bodily functions, she moved home and they started life all over again. Taking turns sharing parts of the story, readers get a full view of the struggles they went through, their commitment to each other, and the hope that keeps them moving forward.

p. 19, Perhaps some detours aren't detours at all. Perhaps they are actually the path. The picture. The plan. And, perhaps most unexpectedly, they can be perfect.

p. 57, I suppose in that moment, I realized that when we most need our intangible God to be made tangible, we need look no further than His people to make Him manifest.

p. 62, I suppose to love someone well is to assure them you will never leave them and then to let them go.

p. 70, Rather, as our hearts were filled to overflowing with the comfort we so desperately needed, our burgeoning hope could spill out onto those in need. We who were the receivers became the givers, and in so giving, we were continually refilled and encouraged by the realization that none of our suffering would be wasted.

p. 195, That experience reminded me that vulnerability is contagious.

p. 197, We became increasingly aware that when it seems you've gotten everything you hoped for and yet are left longing, perhaps those hoped-for things weren't the truest hope. If hope is only rooted in an outcome, then your expectations will crush you.

p. 202, I found that acting in love inevitably provoked feelings of love, and the reverse was no less true.

p. 241, Maybe it takes life being undeniably terrible before we can truly recognize its undeniable splendor.


*****

Man-Made Wonders of the World, written by DK

I didn't take the time to read many pages of this book, but I enjoyed looking through all the pictures. One doesn't have to be interested in architecture to appreciate seeing so many incredible things all over the world.


*****

Number the Stars, written by Lois Lowry

A ten year old Danish girl has to say goodbye to her friend, a Jewish girl escaping the Nazis. It's a time of sadness and fear, but also of bravery and maturity as she plays a part in the process.  A work of historical fiction, this story highlights how the Danish Resistance was able to get nearly all of the Jews in Denmark, which was several thousand people, smuggled to safety in Sweden. This is a school book for the kids that I read on my own.


*****

Rules of the Road, written by Joan Bauer

An awkward teenage girl has the chance to spend the summer on a road trip with the elderly owner of the shoe store chain she works for. The woman isn't very personable, but the two soon discover they can learn from each other and team up to make sure the shoe empire remains a company with quality products and excellent customer service. This is a school book for the kids that I read on my own.

p. 49, My grandma always said that people who snored were sleeping with enthusiasm. I tried to remember this, but there's just so much enthusiasm a person can handle in close quarters.

p. 150, I'd just come off the sales floor with Harry Bender, who'd shared with me his two golden sales rules that lifted him from the sewer of despair to the top of his profession.

Rule Number One: Care about people more than what you're selling.

Rule Number Two: Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

p. 165, You never know where the road's going to take you. I think sometimes it's less important that you get to your destination than the sidetrips you take along the way.


*****

Secret Daughter, written by Shilpi Somaya Gowda

A woman who saves her daughter's life by giving her away. A woman whose son begins a new life in a different country. A woman who's unable to carry the babies she conceives. I really enjoyed this novel about families in India and America whose lives become intertwined through love and loss.

p. 83, Sometimes, as she has well learned in life, one's actions must precede the emotions one hopes to feel.

p. 220, It was as if they stood on opposite sides of a lake,  neither of them having the ability to cross the distance between. The angry words they hurled fell like stones to the bottom of the water, leaving ripples of sadness on the surface.

p. 270, But her mother always said the key to a successful marriage was for each spouse to give as much as they thought they possibly could. And then, to give a little more. Somewhere in that extra giving, in the space created by generosity without score keeping, was the difference between marriages that thrived and those that didn't.


*****

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THREE GOOD THINGS

January 1, 2012 - Eight years ago I started writing down three good things about the day before I went to bed each night. It didn't matter if they were significant or trivial, but they had to be positive and they had to be relevant to that particular day. I kept the habit for five months, then quit in a season of stress and anger surrounding my circumstances at the time. Immature, I know, but that's real life.

January 4, 2014 - After nineteen months of pouting, I decided to end my days on a positive note again. No matter how rotten a day is or how poorly I've handled the challenges I face, and believe me when I say there have been way more hard days than easy ones and that I frequently opt for irresponsible and immature responses instead of wise ones, I choose to focus on what was good as the day comes to an end. And every day has good things. Every single day.

January 1, 2020 - Not only have I stuck with this habit for six years, but I've added to it. During a super rough season of marriage, someone who's been married longer than I have and who had no idea I already wrote three good things each night, suggested I start writing down five good things about Tim at the end of each day. I knew it was wise counsel, but five things seemed impossible at the time. So I compromised with two.

I've continued the additional habit for years, through that challenging time and into a happier, healthier season of marriage. No one ever knew I wrote down good things about Tim each day, including Tim himself until I just told him a couple months ago and a couple friends during a recent discussion we had about marriage. I was encouraged in that conversation with friends to increase my list about Tim to three things per day. I accepted the challenge, so now each day of my life ends with acknowledging three good things about my life and three about my husband.

Why am I telling you this? Because I want to challenge you to do the same, to end each day acknowledging three specific things that were good about it, and the beginning of a new year is a great time to start. Super critical by nature? So am I. Easily overwhelmed by the hard things in life? I can relate. So if my negative, stressed out self can find three good things about each day, anyone can!