I posted the following quote on my blog about a year ago and copied it on Facebook this morning.
There are people who say this to me:
“You should enjoy every moment now! They grow up so fast!”
I usually smile and give some sort of guffaw, but inside, I secretly want to hold those people under water. Just for a minute or so. Just until they panic a little.
If you have friends with small children — especially if your children are now teenagers or if they’re grown – please vow to me right now that you will never say this to them. Not because it’s not true, but because it really, really doesn't help.
We know it’s true that they grow up too fast. But feeling like I have to enjoy every moment doesn't feel like a gift, it feels like one more thing that is impossible to do, and right now, that list is way too long. Not every moment is enjoyable as a parent; it wasn't for you, and it isn't for me. You just have obviously forgotten. I can forgive you for that. But if you tell me to enjoy every moment one more time, I will need to break up with you.
~ Steve Wiens at The Actual Pastor (The whole post is great, and funny, so go read it.)
A conversation has followed - some who agree with the sentiment, some who don't, and a general agreement that how and when a parent is told to enjoy every moment matters a great deal.
Anyway, I was just thinking about this conversation and wanted to add one more thought. I think we live in an easily offended society and it gives me a rash when people have a complete inability or unwillingness to recognize and appreciate the ignorance and/or good intentions behind someone's words, choosing instead to get upset about everything that isn't worded exactly how they think it should be. Family size, how children joined a family, the struggle to have children, religious beliefs, medical conditions, terms to identify various relationships, educational choices, and the list goes on. There seem to be a thousand rules about how things need to be worded lately.
So I want to make it
really clear that I'm not offended by people encouraging me to enjoy parenting. Not at all. I understand that the comments about enjoying every moment come from people who miss the joys of days gone by, who know how fleeting time is.This is simply a quote from an article I read a long time ago that I thought was funny and that accurately describes how I feel some days. I thought of it this morning because parenting has been more frustrating than usual lately and I decided to share it again.
I appreciate the reminder that we all have limits and that no parent is going to do everything well or enjoy every moment of the journey. I think there is wisdom in his suggestion to quit reading things that make you feel pressure to be an unrealistically perfect parent, focusing instead of letting God shape you into the type of parent you were meant to be. I think it's important for people to come along side of frazzled parents (and anyone else going through a rough patch in life, whether for a day or an extended period of time) to speak words that validate their feelings and encourage them, to help in practical ways.
I think anyone who reads the whole article can see that his point was not so much that the admonition to enjoy every moment is horrible, but that parenting is hard sometimes, that it's fine to admit it isn't all sunshine and roses, that there's nothing wrong with not doing everything right, and that we all need to support each other.
I do
not think anyone should stop encouraging parents to savor the good times, keep things in perspective, or realize the hard times won't last forever.
So, why am I mentioning all of this here? Because I've had the following post sitting as a draft for a long time and thought this morning's Facebook conversation turned out to be a good intro. So, without further ado, here's a little post that's been sitting around for a while and that I decided to put up today. A post that's more about what
to say and less about what
not to say.
********
Parenting can be a tough gig sometimes. There are plenty of bright spots, but many of them happen because you've put a lot of effort into parenting. There are also not-so-bright spots, as parenting involves human adults and human children, both of which can be counted on to make mistakes, cause trouble, overreact, be selfish, misunderstand, and struggle with their own issues. No matter how it all plays out, parenting is a lot of work. Can I tell you how much it means to have that work recognized? It means a lot!
I feel like the efforts we've put into taking kids out of the shopping cart at two years old and teaching them how to behave in a store has paid off when a trip to Costco with four kids in tow results in five different sample-hander-outers (I'm sure there's an official name for those people who always brighten my children's day, but I don't know what it is) compliment the little Ws' good manners and thank them for being so polite. (It also makes me feel like those poor employees must deal with a lot of rude people and poorly behaved kids if that many of them comment on my less-than-perfect kids in one trip through the store, but that's beside the point.)
Yes, we've had a disastrous shopping trip in the past where yours truly and all the kids cried at some point and some rough moments scattered through the years. No, having kids walk through the store on their own at two is not going to work for every family. No,there's nothing wrong with doing it differently than we did. Yes, the year from two to three is filled with lots of stops through the store as we remind little Ws that feet don't belong on carts, that we look with our eyes and don't touch with our hands, and work to include them in the tasks of shopping.
Parenting involves unique individuals. If you have more than one child, then you may find that the general population thinks some of your kids are amazing little humans, uniquely wonderful. But just
some of them. Can I tell you how much it means when someone says nice things about the ones that never get doted on? It means a lot!
I feel like all of my kids are appreciated when I've had weeks, months, and years of people telling me how much they love certain little Ws, but never particular little Ws, and then someone goes out of their way to send me an online message about something positive they saw a not-so-adored little W do and compliments their character.
Yes, I understand that we all click more with some people than others. No, I don't expect that everyone will like all my children equally, if not because of personality or interest differences, than simply because they don't know all of them equally. No, I don't think that every time a child is complimented or doted on all the other siblings need to get an immediate and equal dose of attention.
Parenting is largely about shaping character and helping kids use their natural tendencies and skills to be a blessing to others. We want our kids to be pleasant to be around, to think past themselves, to contribute positively to whatever situation they happen to be in. Can I tell you how much it means when someone expresses gratitude for the impact a child makes in a particular setting? It means a lot!
I feel happy when I get a handwritten note in the mail from someone who wanted me to know why they appreciate one of the little Ws and how that child makes a difference to those around them because I love knowing that the things that come naturally to my kids are making other people's lives a little better.
No, this child does not always say or do the right thing. Yes, the same child can jump vigorously on my very last nerve.
Parenting involves encouraging a good work ethic. The little Ws are all so different from each other and what comes easily to one sometimes requires significantly more effort from another. I don't really give a rip if they're good at any particular thing, but it
does matter to me that they do their best at the things required of them, that they work hard even if they don't feel like it, and that they're always growing and improving in whatever area they can. Can I tell you how much it means when someone acknowledges the effort given and progress made in some area of a child's life? It means a lot!
I feel proud when someone pulls me aside in a group to say they can see a huge improvement in an area that one of my kids has struggled because I know that child has worked hard to make progress.
No, my kids don't always work hard. (Neither do I.) Yes, I say "do the job to completion" way more times than I'd like. No, the kids' bedrooms do not stay tidy.
Parenting requires loving your kids equally. I really don't like seeing parents who clearly favor one (or more) child over the others or who may actually love them all equally, but whose words and actions would make you think otherwise. I make a serious effort to give all the little Ws equal recognition in public settings or private conversations. Can I tell you how much it means when someone sends me an online message saying that they love how I talk positively about each kid on a regular basis? It means a lot!
I feel reassured that my kids won't ever look at the things I share and see evidence of favortism when others randomly tell me that I treat my kids equally.
No, I don't always enjoy each child. No, it's not equal sharing every day and every week. Yes, there are times when the positive things I share are because that kid is truly fantastic at the moment and there are times I share positive things about them because the hard things are starting to consume me. Yes, I really love them each equally.
Parenting includes teaching your kids to function in society. We have always required that our kids who can speak and write adequately place their own orders at restaurants, check themselves in at appointments, sign themselves up for events they'll attend, place their own phone calls for business issues, and ask their own questions of people in various public settings, such as stores, libraries, and construction sites. This isn't something that we spent any time planning or thinking about, but just falls into the practical category of "you have a question, you ask" or "you have an appointment, you check in" for us. I'm always amazed by how many employees/workers tell me they're so grateful for that because the number of teens who have their parents do those things for them is astounding. Can I tell you how much it means to have someone praise the social skills of a child? It means a lot!
I feel confident that the little Ws will be able to launch easily when the time comes for them to be on their own when the gradual steps to independence are acknowledged by business people they interact with now.
Yes, there are incredibly valid reasons why some kids need help with these things for a really long time. No, we have not completely avoided times where a kid wouldn't make eye contact, got all flustered asking a question, or needed some prompting in what to say or help with what to do.
I could go on and on with other examples, but I won't. My point is simply this.
Parents appreciate having their work recognized and they appreciate having their children's strengths, efforts, and good behavior recognized.
So recognize them. Regularly.
That toddler who sat quietly, barely fidgeting, through a long school concert? Let the parents know you noticed and appreciated the good behavior. That mom who calmly and respectfully dealt with her child who was having a meltdown in the store? Tell her you think she handled it well. The older kid at the park who has been helping the littles maneuver on the playground equipment? Go tell the parent how kind and helpful their child has been.
Look for the good things, then acknowledge them. Be aware of the bad things (don't actively look for them, but you can't exactly avoid seeing them either), then look for ways to bring praise or encouragement to the parents who are working through those situations. Look around you when you're in the store, at church, at the park, in a library, walking around your neighborhood, at your job ... and seek out opportunities to say something positive to a parent about a specific thing that they or their child have done. Opportunities abound, I promise.
In my own experience, every positive thing that someone has said about our parenting or our kids' behavior has come at a time when I desperately needed some encouragement. Sometimes what they've said was about the exact area I was struggling with, though they didn't know it, and it helped me realize we were making progress or accomplishing our goals. Other times what they said had nothing to do with my current parenting struggles, but it gave me a general encouragement to not give up on whatever was hard at the moment. However, even if those positive things were said at a time when everything was pretty hunky dory, then I'd still appreciate it.
Those compliments and acknowledgments are what keep parents going and help keep things in perspective when they're doing all they can to hold it together, when they're discouraged and overwhelmed, when it seems that nothing they're trying to teach their children is actually sinking in. You never know what a big difference your little compliment can make in a parent's day ... or week ... or month, depending on things are going for them.
