I have an ongoing list of books I want to read and recently checked out one that had been on the list a long time. I don't even remember where I heard about it, but it was an excellent read.
I have turned into a bitter yeller when it comes to conflict in our home, which is completely unacceptable, and this book was helpful in changing my perspective. I rarely buy books, but I may actually get a copy of this for when I need a little attitude adjustment or some practical tips in dealing with a conflict.
The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, by Ken Sande
It's obviously written from a Christian perspective with a gazillion Bible verses referenced to support the things it's teaching, but the information would be just as valuable to a non-Christian as to a Christian. I'd highly encourage everyone to read it, download it, or get it on CD. Conflict is inevitable when you interact with others, so anyone with a job, family, neighbor, church, team, club, etc. is bound to find something in this book they can put into practice. Good stuff!
I think I'm just going to list a bunch of quotes that stood out to me to give you an idea of what the book is like. There were a lot, though, so I'm going to spread them out over a few posts. Ready?
p. 22, I have found that people look at conflict in much the same way that my friends and I viewed that stream (he and his friends had to cross a deep, icy stream by jumping from rock to rock). To some, conflict is a hazard that threatens to sweep them off their feet and leave them bruised and hurting. To others, it is an obstacle that they should conquer quickly and firmly, regardless of the consequences. But some people have learned that conflict is an opportunity to solve common problems in a way that honors God and offers benefits to those involved.
p. 33, Every time you encounter a conflict, you will inevitably show what you really think of God. If you want to show that you love him "with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" (Matt. 22:37), then ask him to help you trust , obey, imitate, and acknowledge him, especially when it is difficult to do so.
p. 34, It is important to realize that if you do not glorify God when you are involved in a conflict, you will inevitably glorify someone or something else. By your actions you will show either that you have a big God or that you have a big self and big problems. To put it another way, if you do not focus on God, you will inevitably focus on yourself and your will, or on other people and the threat of their wills.
p. 47, When peace and unity characterize your relationships with other people, you show that you are God's child and that he is present and working in your life (Matt. 5:9). The converse is also true: When your life is filled with unresolved conflict and broken relationships, you will have little success in sharing the good news about Jesus' saving work on the cross.
p. 48, As death drew near, the Lord focused on a single concept he knew to be of paramount importance for all those who would believe in him. He did not pray that his followers would always be happy, that they would never suffer, or that their rights would always be defended. Jesus prayed that his followers would get along with one another. This was so important to him that he tied his reputation and the credibility of his message to how well his followers would display unity and oneness. Read his prayer (it's found in John 17:20-23) once more and think about how important unity is to him. Is it equally important to you?
p. 54, (quoting Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia) I think we are too ready today to seek vindication and vengeance through adversary proceedings rather than peace through mediation.
p. 68, (quoting Elisabeth Elliot, who, for those unfamiliar with her, was a widow of one of the four men murdered by Aucas in the 1950s) God is God. I dethrone him in my heart if I demand that he act in ways that satisfy my idea of justice.
p. 102, Conflict always begins with some kind of desire. / But what if the other person persistently fails to satisfy your desire? / On the one hand, you can trust God and seek your fulfillment in him (Ps. 73:25). You can ask him to help you to continue to grow and mature no matter what the other person does (James 1:2-4). And you can continue to love the person who is blocking your desire, pray for God's sanctifying work in his or her life, and wait for the Lord to open the door for progress at a later time (I John 4:19-21, Luke 6:27). If you choose this course, God promises to bless you and, not matter what the other person does, to use your difficult situation to conform you to the likeness of Christ (Romans 8:28-29).
But there is another course we often follow. We keep fighting to achieve our desire, dwelling on our disappointment, and allowing our desire and disappointment to control our lives. At the very least, this course results in self-pity and bitterness toward those who stand in our way. At worse, it utterly destroys important relationships and draws us away from God.
We'll wrap up this post here, but I'll post more quotes later.
Update: If you would like to read all three posts about this book, then here are the links. One. Two. Three.
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