"Look, but don't touch." Those words are often spoken by parents to their kids when something is breakable or simply not theirs to mess with. Today I'm sharing that phrase with the world as a friendly announcement that the same approach should be taken when it comes to other people's curly hair.
For some reason, people seem to think that curly hair is public property, especially if that curly hair is on a child. Both total strangers we've never seen before and well-meaning people we know and like, from young kids to elderly people, touch my kids' hair on a regular basis. It happens to my girl and boys, so it's not about gender. It happens to my dark and light kids, so it's not about race. It happens from birth to fourteen years old (currently the age of our oldest kid), so it's not about cute little babies and toddlers. It's just about the curls.
Right around four years old the kids start asking me why people keep touching their hair. I explain that most people are just curious about what it feels like and don't realize how rude and annoying it is to be on the receiving end. I tell them that if they're bothered by it, which they
always are, they need to look the person in the eyes and firmly, but politely, say, "Please don't touch my hair without my permission".
We talk about how it's good and right to enforce personal boundaries for how people touch you. We also talk about how it's equally good and right to respect that the first offense usually comes from ignorance and thoughtlessness, not any sort of malicious or rude intent. We don't want to make the situation more awkward than necessary, embarrassing the person by touching them back (which is
mighty tempting sometimes, but completely hypocritical) or saying something rude. Finally, we talk about how they can have Tim or I talk to repeat offenders and/or be a little less polite and a little more forceful in how they deal with it themselves.
I think most people realize it's not very polite to touch someone else's hair without permission. It's why it never happens to Tim or I as adults, despite the fact that we both have curly hair. It's why there are occasionally people who ask our kids
before they touch, which we always thank them for. We're grateful for their good manners and for the opportunities our kids get to give one of the two responses we've suggested to them - "Sure, and thanks for asking first" or "No, and thanks for asking first". It's why it never happens to my straight-haired friends with straight-haired kids.
Like I said before, we realize that most people aren't trying to be rude (the rare exception being repeat offenders who have been asked to stop and won't comply), so this isn't something we're angry about. It is, however, something that's very frustrating for the ones who get touched in a manner they don't like on a regular basis. Let's put you in their shoes (or wig, as the case may be) for a moment.
If you're prone to touching other people's curly hair without permission, ask yourself why. Because it's different than your own hair and you're simply curious? Then make sure you're also comfortable with people randomly coming up to you and touching parts of your body that are different from their own. Because they're smaller than you and it's easy to do? Then accept that anyone bigger than you can touch you as they see fit. Because you think their hair is attractive? Then allow others to touch the parts of your body they find attractive whenever they feel compelled to. Because you know them and don't think they'll mind? Then don't be bothered if people you know touch you whenever, wherever, and for whatever reason they want.
Am I saying that no one should ever touch another person without permission? No, that would be absolutely ridiculous. There are cultural norms for touching in our country as a whole, in the smaller groups we're part of, and with individual people we know. What I
am saying is that rubbing, twirling, stroking, or otherwise touching the hair of someone who didn't give you permission or ask you to, or with whom you don't already have an established relationship that includes such behavior, is unpleasant for the person whose hair you're touching. It just is. Their hair is not public property. It's
their hair, on
their head, on
their body. Please respect that.
That's all. You may now carry on with your day.
