I have been struggling with anger about a situation. Lots of anger. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the way I've allowed it to dictate the way I talk to the other Ws. I hate everything about it.
I've prayed. I've given myself pep talks. Nothing helps.
Last night, for the first time in quite a while, I felt encouraged, hopeful that I'm moving out of this place of anger I've been stuck in. I wish it would have happened quickly, but it's been a gradual process over the last week or so and after a few months of riding the anger roller coaster.
10/5 - Cheri posted the following on my Facebook wall. "You are always responsible for how you act, regardless of how you feel. Remember that." It was a quote she'd found online and she knew I'd appreciate it.
10/6 - Tara posted the following on her blog.
Mostly, I'm staying close to Jesus, an example of flexibility who received interruptions as divine appointments and used His soft heart and persuasive words to bring glory to His Father.
I want to be like Him.
I was keenly aware that my heart and words around the house lately have done nothing to bring God glory.
10/7 - I shared with Mindy and Carol how I was so angry and letting that anger run my mouth. They lovingly told me to knock it off and encouraged me to post some verses around my house, verses about self-control and choosing to speak kindly.
10/10 - Tammy asked me how I'm doing with my temper and my tongue, if I'd allow the little Ws to speak the way I've been speaking, and what I think I need to learn about myself through the situation. Then she challenged me to be kind, even when I feel kindness is not deserved.
10/11 - Cheri challenged me to sit quietly and ask God to show me what the real root of my anger is, wait until I see what it is, repent, ask forgiveness, and move forward.
10/11 - Tara mentioned something about how she and I are justice girls, people with a strong desire for wrongs to be made right and truth to be revealed. The context of the conversation had nothing to do with my anger, but I realized how much her statement had to do with how I've been feeling.
10/11 - I listened to Judy's teaching from last week's study in Ruth and was struck with her last statement.
When you look at the way you love people in your life, are you one who thinks about your own preferences, your own needs, your own rights? Do you insist on your way? Or are you one who chooses to yield? To let go of your rights? To let go of your preferences? To let go even of your needs for the people you love?
Yielding? Letting go? Nope. None of that going on around here lately. I've been totally focused on how the situation affects me.
Last night I shut my bedroom door, knelt at my bed, and started praying. I already knew, based on Tara's comment earlier in the day, that a desire for justice was at the root of my anger, but I needed to own it, to confess and ask for forgiveness.
Then I sprawled out on the floor and opened my Bible. I was looking for a different verse, but ended up opening to Ephesians and zeroed right in on 4:29-5:2.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
Wow! So applicable. Let me break the passage down into smaller chunks and tell you how it spoke to me.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths - Rudeness is never wholesome and I've been rude.
But only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs - Helpful? Well, the way I've been talking has temporarily satisfied my need to release some anger, but that's not exactly what the verse is talking about. Ultimately, it's had nothing to do with others and what they need, but everything to do with me wanting to get something off my chest.
That it may benefit those who listen - My family has not benefited from listening to the things I've said in anger. That's for sure!
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption - I'm confident that things I've spoken in anger and a generally negative disposition toward my family does not please the Holy Spirit. Can you imagine what it would be like to reside in someone who was chronically mad? Pretty sure you'd be grieved.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice - Those who I've talked to about how angry I am would tell you that my anger is justified and/or totally understandable. Logically, it is. But God's word doesn't say to get rid of unjustified anger, while holding on to the anger that has a reasonable explanation. Nor does it say act on our justified anger in a socially acceptable manner. It says to get rid of anger. All of it. That requires being proactive, choosing to stop each time an angry thought crosses my mind and exchange it for something different, something kind, calm, positive, helpful, or whatever is appropriate for the situation. It's choosing, like that quote from Cheri said, to not let my feelings dictate my actions. It's not explaining or excusing my anger, but actively working to get it out of my life. Whew! That feels like a big assignment right now!
Be kind and compassionate to one another - Kindness and compassion have not been high on my priority list around the house lately. I've shown no grace, but have repeatedly put on grand displays of "woe is me". Again, understandable, but unacceptable.
Forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you - This is harder. It's the first part that's not about general behavior, but about acknowledging my own flaws, recognizing that God's forgiven me for all the wrong or foolish things I've done, then paying that forgiveness forward. It's choosing not to hold someone's behavior against them. It's acknowledging that I may not have done what they've done, but I've still done plenty of wrong things. This part prompted me to go back and read this post about forgiveness from The Peacemaker again. Good stuff.
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children - Naomi gets a big kick out of putting on Tim's shoes, my shirts, or whatever she can get her hands on. It's natural for a child who is loved to imitate those who love them. So, what does that say about me, as God's child, when I'm letting my anger fuel my conversation? Perhaps I'm not spending enough time with the one who loves me? You think? I have the following note written in the margin of my Bible, though I have no idea when I wrote it. "Do I love in such a way that I'd want my children to imitate me?" Not lately! I need to work on imitating God, then pray that my children will see him in me and want to imitate him themselves.
And live a life of love, just as Christ loved us - Notice it doesn't say "live a life of love, except toward the people who make you mad" or "be loving, except for when you need to blow off some steam" or "be loving in one circle of your life and angry in another". It says to love like Christ loves. The end. We'll never be as perfect as Christ, but I could certainly put more effort into loving like he does. Consistently, completely, and sacrificially - that's what was written in the margin of my Bible.
And gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God - Giving yourself up, offering your life to God, sacrificing your will for his. That sounds beautiful and poetic, doesn't it? But it's hard. So stinkin' hard. It's like what Judy said about yielding ourselves out of love. If I can't yield myself and let go of my anger out of love for my family, then I need to do it out of love for God. Because he loves me, despite all my flaws. Because he loves my family, even when I'm in a funk and upset with every. little. thing. they don't do my way. Because he told me to.
So, that's where I'm at. I'm going to choose to shift my focus, even if I have to shift it 5.729 million times a day. I'm going to choose not to wallow in the justification for my anger. I'm going to choose to strive for kindness, compassion, forgiveness, and love. I'm going to choose to imitate God in the same way our kids imitate us. I'm going to choose to get rid of all anger. I'm going to choose to apologize and keep moving forward when I blow it.
And I'm going to tape some verses around my house, which I didn't do on Sunday when Carol and Mindy suggested it. Better late than never. Right?
2 comments:
Thank you for this! I needed it. I was just having a discussion with a friend about anger the other evening. I was wondering if SAHMs ever really get better at managing it or do the kids just grow up? The Scripture that you posted reminded me that, through Jesus, it IS possible to get a grip. :)
Glad I could be a part of your journey, too.
Thank you. I needed this post.
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