THINGS ON MY MIND (2 OF 3) - KIDS

All righty, here's the second thing that is constantly swirling around in my little brain these days. I don't hash this stuff out with anyone but Tim, so if you're one of those who asks the questions that shouldn't be asked, then this may be your only chance to hear what I'm thinking on the matter in an appropriate manner (meaning, me offering the info, not you asking for it).

We've never had a planned or desired number of kids for our family and we've never cared how kids joined our family. "One at a time" is the plan. (Yes, for you snarky folks, we'd be happy with multiples. The "one" can refer to children, pregnancies, or adoptions.)

I love that our boys are close enough in age to be playmates, a pair of siblings. I'd love for Naomi to be part of a similar pair and we opened ourselves up to that option. Technically it should have worked out. In actuality, it didn't. It makes no logical sense, but sometimes life is that way. Once the window of opportunity for a similar age spread was gone, then we just decided to sit tight.

We took foster parenting classes almost two years ago, then made a last minute decision to not turn in our application. I'm confident that was the right decision at that point in time, but our heart is still that all kids have a family, whether temporarily (foster) or permanently (adoption). We'd be happy to take in any child, but we're kinda drawn to the special needs kids. Some of those kids have physical problems, but many of them are considered special needs in the adoption world because no one wants them. They're often older kids (grade school through high school), boys, sibling groups that don't want to be separated, and minorities. Most of them have some behavioral issues caused by the circumstances that led them to be taken from their parents.

I know a lot of foster and adoptive parents. The general consensus, though there are exceptions that work out well, is to only take in kids that are younger than your youngest. This helps ensure the physical safety of your biological kids as the new member of your family works through the junk that life dealt them. It also prevents an upset of the birth order. There will be a change in family dynamics regardless of how and when a child joins a family, but upsetting the birth order can make that change a lot harder. I'd be totally comfortable taking in a kid between Naomi and Devon or younger than Naomi.

If I found out today that I was preggo, then I'd be delighted. Kids are great and we'd be happy. However, the farther away we get from the baby phase, the more I wonder if not conceiving a playmate for Naomi was the first step, though unintentional, toward fostering or adopting. It's given us time to let our kids get a little older, to possibly take in a non-baby child. The older our kids get, the more options we'd feel comfortable with as we considered who to add to our family.

Of course, it may just be that there's absolutely no explanation to Naomi's lack of "pair" status other than "it's life". I'm fine with that. I could get pregnant next week. We could end up taking in a newborn. Who knows? Time will tell.

I look at the Northwest Adoption Exchange site almost weekly and see foster kids who are ready for homes. I periodically check out Reece's Rainbow, an organization committed to placing kids with Down Syndrome into families before their governments permanently institutionalize them. I hear about Hannah's Hope, an Ethiopian orphanage connected to All God's Children International, being so low on diapers that they're re-using disposables and covering diapers with plastic bags. I hear the stats in foster classes about the number of kids needing to be placed compared to the number of certified homes. It all just breaks my heart and I don't know where we fit into the solution.

I often feel that our family isn't done growing. Then, of course, I think I'm crazy. After all, I'm the one who told you yesterday that I feel like I'm doing a lot of things, but none of them well. Then I think I'm selfish. Then I remember that motherhood is anything but selfish. Then I wonder why God's given me this strong desire to foster or adopt if the timing never seems right. Then I wonder if, ten years from now, I'll look back at this point and see how beautifully everything (whatever that is) worked out or if I'll still wonder how it's going to unfold. Then I wonder how far behind we'd be in school if I was parenting four kids, one who quite possibly would need to be taken to various appointments during the week. Then I wonder how I'd handle a kid with serious behavioral issues when my most challenging child often overwhelms me.

It makes my head hurt.

As I've felt at every point in parenting, I could happily live the rest of my life with the kids we have now. I could also live equally happy with more kids. I'm truly, honestly, content either way. Always have been.

But I can't stop looking at those sites. And I'd love for Naomi to share a room with someone and have a playmate when the boys are hanging out alone. So, while I'm content, I'm just not convinced there will only be 5 Ws. That doesn't even make sense, does it? I don't know how to explain it.

Kids need families. All kids need a family. And we're a family. Are we the family for the kids? Are we a family who supports the families taking in kids, whether financially, through respite care, or with practical things like clothes and bedding? How do we know? When is the timing right? I wish I knew.

Now, if I announce a pregnancy in a couple months, then don't you dare ask me if we were trying. That's none of your business and it makes no difference anyway. Plus, it's just rude. If we announce that we're adopting or fostering, then don't question my sanity. We wouldn't pursue it unless we felt confident about it and no agency would accept us unless we proved capable.

In other words, this is the one and only time I'm telling you that we have no idea why I didn't get pregnant in time to give Naomi a playmate, that I think about fostering and adopting non-stop, and that I feel simultaneously delighted and hesitant about adding another W to the mix.