LOOKING FORWARD

I love homeschooling. I love staying at home with our kids.  I love having four kids, from toddler to almost-middle schooler.  I love running a household.

I've never understood moms who were frazzled by the addition of kid number two, three, or four.  I've never understood moms who were overwhelmed by basic homemaking responsibilities.  I've never understood moms who thought homeschooling young kids was more than they could handle. 

Now I understand.

None of those things are hard for me on their own, but the combination is killing me.  Actually, it probably boils down to homeschooling three bigs while parenting a toddler is killing me.  Whatever it is, it's not working for us.

Last school year I hit a wall, my "I just want to be the mom, not the teacher" moment.  We'd had a crazy year, though, and I didn't want to make any big decisions in the midst of unemployment, stressful housing situations, a hard pregnancy, unplanned surgery, moving, etc. and chose to give it another year.  It's been a year now, though, and my feelings haven't changed.  I love each piece of my life's puzzle, but they simply aren't fitting together anymore. 

I know I've already told you that we're changing things up in the schooling department next year, but I just have to say how much I'm looking forward to it.

I'm really excited for Silas to go to middle school.  He's always had a desire to go to public school and is really looking forward to it. I'm eager to see what parts he loves, what parts he's not crazy about, getting to know his new friends, and watching him get involved in the things that interest him.   I'm confident that sending him to school is the right decision and am pretty sure he will thrive there, but it will still have been the right choice if it blows up in our face.  He, just because of who he is, needs to experience going to school, regardless of whether or not he stays there. 

I'm still not sure what will happen with Devon.  He's second on the wait list for a charter school, with two lotteries to go, so we're in limbo with him. The school director told me that the odds are pretty good that he'll get in, though they obviously can't make any guarantees.  I'm not as sure about what to do with him next year as I am with Silas and he doesn't have as strong of a personal preference as Silas does.  When I look at the pros and cons of keeping him home and continuing as usual, keeping him home and changing things up, or sending him out, I don't see one choice as clearly being the best option.

That being what it is, I'm pretty sure we'll send him to the charter if he gets in.  I look forward to him having something of his own, something that none of the other kids have done, and he really likes the idea of having some independence.  I can't wait to see what he excels in and which aspects of the non-homeschooling life he likes the most and least.  As with Silas, if it doesn't work out, then we'll change things accordingly.

Naomi will stay home and I'm so excited to keep homeschooling her.  I loved homeschooling the early years with the big boys and am eager to have more time to snuggle on the couch doing school with her. 

And Teebs?  Oh, that boy keeps me hopping with his toddler-ness!  I can't wait to have more time to just play with him.

You know, I used to be excited about homeschooling and enjoy homemaking tasks.  But the joy is gone.  It's just gone.  Everything I do feels like a chore, even the things I used to love.  Everything I'm not getting done is failure staring me in the face all day long.  No, I don't think any mom gets it all done all the time.  That's just not realistic.  But I'm not getting the things done that matter most to me.  To our kids.  To our family.

I'm looking forward to Silas and Devon having new experiences and seeing how they mature during the process.  I'm looking forward to devoting more time to Naomi and Tyler, just being a fun mom again.  I'm looking forward to greeting my big boys in the afternoon, knowing they'll probably be fried, and being able to meet them where they're at because I won't be tired and irritable by that point in the day.  I'm looking forward to being able to keep up with household tasks, to enjoy the efficient homemaking that comes naturally to me and that blesses my family.  

I'm looking forward to seeing where things are at a year from now.  Will everyone be thriving and we decide to stay put?  Will some things be problematic enough to change?   What will I want?  What will the kids want?   Time will tell.

I'm not looking forward to packing lunches, days that have to start early, revolving our days around what time school gets out, or busy work that takes up our evenings. But no choice is perfect.

And I think it's bizarre to not be placing a curriculum order this month for the next school year, which we always start in July.

As per usual, we'll keep making school choices one kid and one year at a time.  And as per usual, I'm thankful that we live in a time and place with so many options, which allow people to make the choices that best fit their kids and family at any given point in time.