Today is the 17th anniversary of my mom's death. Last year, on the 16th anniversary and in my pre-blogging days, I wrote some things on the Sonlight forums that her death taught me. I eventually shared them here in my first blog post.
Well, this year I don't feel like seeing the positive spin. I hate cancer. I hate that my mom had to suffer through the disease. That my kids, nieces, and nephews will never meet her. That Tim, Josh, Tracy, and Char never met her. That she never saw her kids graduate, marry, or have careers.
I hate that I have reached a point in my life where I feel like I'm racing against her clock. She was 36 when she was diagnosed and almost 39 when she died. I'm 32. Her three kids were 13, 11, and 8 when she was diagnosed and 15, 13, and 10 when she died. My three kids are 6, 4, and 1 (I started having kids three years older than she did). She died in her 30s and I have to get annual mammograms in my 30s.
In my mind, I have four good years left. Logically, I know that's not necessarily going to be the case, but that's where my mind goes. Joining the "dead mom" club as a kid skews your reality.
In my mind, I don't expect to grow old with Tim. I expect one of us to die prematurely. Logically, I know that's not necessarily going to be the case, but that's where my mind goes. Seeing your dad widowed when you're a kid skews your reality.
In my mind, I question whether to adopt a child that could end up suffering the death of a parent just a few years later. Logically, I know that's not necessarily going to be the case, but that's where my mind goes. Seeing your mom and the parents of several other kids in your community die within a year skews your reality.
The worst fear of many moms is having their children die. That's normal. My worst fear is dying before my kids are raised.
8 comments:
Bethany-
You lost a wonderful mother. You have become a wonderful mother. I love you.
Dad
Bethany,
I wholeheartedly agree with your dad-- you lost a wonderful mother, he lost a wonderful wife and many of us lost a wonderful friend. I will never understand her death. I, too, hate cancer. I do LOVE you and the woman, wife, mother, sister and friend you are. I, for one, am totally counting on you outliving me and that you will play with, and impact, your great-grandchildren. I love you!
Oh Bethany, I'm sorry.
It's so hard. My daddy died young of cancer. I hate it, too.
I think it sucks too. And I personally think it gets harder, not easier, and I don't particularly like to talk about it. But, after I read dad's upbeat post, I got to thinking. First I thought, 'Nice for him, you can be happily married twice but you can't be happily mothered twice.' But, that's not entirely true either. God reminded me of Carol, who taught me to sew. Of Pam who was a safe haven. Of Lynne who spoils my kids and gives me a listening ear and good advice. Of Robin who hugs like a mom. Of Kathy who loved me like her daughter from the first minute she met me. Of Inay Els who looks after me and takes care of my sick kids. Of Debbie who is too young to be my mom but helps me keep my head on straight. And on and on. So, yeah, maybe Dad got to be happily married twice, but I got to be lovingly mothered over and over and over......
I love you Berth.
Bethany and Belinda,
No one can ever replace your Mom as your mother-- she was truly one of a kind. However, many of us women in your lives, since her death, have been blessed to have the opportunity to love you both like we would love our own flesh and blood daughters. You are amazing young women! I love you both.
Hey Bethany! Just catchin up on your blog. Anyhow, in all honesty, it was kinda neat to stumble upon your I hate cancer blog. You see, I'm coming up on the anniversary of my mom's death (Feb. 1st), and it was enlightening to read your thoughts. You just have such a way of expressing your feelings, holding nothing back. I probably could never put into words thoughts that are similar to yours. I don't even have children yet, but I HATE that they will never meet her, you know? And I too struggle with thoughts of not growing old with my husband. Sounds totally illogical, but really, reading your blog made me go "OK, other people feel that way too!" Anyhow, your blog totally spoke to me today. I wrote some thoughts on my blog on Jan. 29th last year...and perhaps I'll be doing that again this year. Take care hun. Tammy
Thanks to everyone for the sweet words. And to those who are walking in the same shoes, regardless of how much time has passed, know that you're not alone in this lousy place to be.
I am rereading this post again. I too hate cancer for it robbed me of several very special people in my life...beginning before I was even born. It robbed me of the chance to get to know my wonderful grandmother for whom I am named. But what hit me today is that regardless of whether it was cancer, a heart attack, or a drunk driver, death has robbed us of a chance to be known by some very special people. It has robbed us of the chance of introducing our spouse, our children, etc. to that very special person. But there is something....something very special about losing a mother....or a father....a person never gets over that....and like your sister said....it does NOT get easier! Thinking of you and your sister today! Thinking of my mom and my dad today! ..... where are those Kleenex!
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