RULES FOR FIGHTING

We went through some pre-marital counseling with the pastor who performed our wedding ceremony and I took concepts from several of the things he'd had us read, then came up with some rules for fighting that Tim and I tried to follow. We had a copy of the rules taped to the front of our fridge for several years, but it must have gotten lost or destroyed when we moved north and we never replaced it. I'd forgotten about the rules over the years, but I've been slowly purging my file cabinet over the last few weeks and I came across another copy of them a couple days ago.

While the rules were written down with marriage in mind, conflict is an inevitable part of every relationship and the rules apply to our interactions with everyone, so I'm sharing them here. Substitute child, boss, neighbor, or friend for the word partner, if that is what applies to the situation you have the most conflict in.

I think I'm also going to talk to Tim about figuring out a fun and productive way to go over these rules as a family, because we all have room for improvement in the way we handle conflict. I'll let you know what we come up with! And I'll put them back on the fridge.

I have these rules in a Word document, so let me know if you want me to e-mail you a copy to easily print out.

Without further ado, here are the rules.

RULES FOR FIGHTING

Do pray about the problem. Ask God for humility in admitting your faults, forgiveness for your partner's faults, and wisdom in how to avoid the problem in the future.

Do agree that the timing is right. Make sure that both partners are able to focus on the issue and don't have other things distracting them.

Do set up a time to talk about the problem. If you can't deal with the issue immediately, then set up a time to talk soon.

Do complain about actions rather than criticizing a person. Complaining generally starts with "I", criticizing generally starts with "you".

Don't show contempt by intending to insult or psychologically abuse your partner. Examples of contempt include name-calling, hostile humor, and mockery.

Don't get defensive. Defensiveness escalates, rather than resolves, conflict.

Don't stonewall because of overwhelming emotion. Examples of stonewalling include avoiding eye contact or refusing to interact.

Don't run from strife. Repressed irritations have a high resurrection rate.

Do choose your battles carefully. Before voicing an irritation, ask yourself if it's worth it.

Do clearly define the issue. Make sure that you are both discussing the same conflict.

Do share your feelings directly. "In situation X, when you do Y, I feel Z."

Do rate the intensity of your feelings. Have a scale of seriousness - one to ten, word pictures, etc.

Do give up put-downs. Greet your partner warmly, show appreciation for a job well done.

Don't dwell on downers. Stick to relevant issues and try to end the fight instead of bringing up other issues.

Do begin with affirmation. Starting on a positive note leads to a constructive conversation.

Do be willing to take the blame. Sincere apologies show a spirit of reconciliation.

Don't say "always" or "never". These two words are rarely true and lead people to defensiveness.

Do be committed to honesty and mutual respect. There won’t be any surprise punches when partners are respectful and honest.

Do keep it under control. It is okay to be angry, but don't let that anger determine your words or actions.

Do have a positive solution. If you are going to complain about something, then make sure you have a possible solution that is good for both partners.

Don't fight in public. Never cut down your partner in public, whether boldly or subtly.