This post has been sitting as a draft for several months. I post. Delete. Post something different. Delete again. Post when I see or hear a negative comment from someone, which is almost a daily occurrence, and I'm fired up. Delete. Post when calm because I've gone a day or two without seeing or hearing any negativity, a rare occurrence, because it would help prove that my post isn't directed toward anyone in particular. Delete. Post when I'm bawling my eyes out because I'm just weary of the condescending words and attitudes. Delete. Post. Delete. Post. Delete.
Today, for better or worse, I'm posting. And, for better or worse, I'm not responding to any comments.
I am a welfare mom.
You don't know all the details of my story. You think you do, and you say I'm not like those people on welfare, the people you mock, judge, and slander. But you don't know. You've made assumptions, some of which simply aren't true.
I am a welfare mom.
If there is over-priced, highly processed, completely unhealthy food in our cart, then you complain about the state financially supporting unhealthy lifestyles. But you have no idea why that food is in our cart. None at all.
If there is organic food, tons of produce, and healthy meats in our cart, then you complain that people on welfare eat better than those who buy their own groceries. So what kind of food would you approve of us buying? I'd like to know.
I am a welfare mom.
You don't know how often we choose to use our state insurance. Or how often we choose not to. Or how often we don't have a choice at all.
You don't know how we use the cash benefits we receive. Or how much of our monthly income they make up. Or what our monthly income is in the first place Or what we lived on when we were completely supporting ourselves. Or how we budget our money.
You don't know what we're doing without. You don't know what our needs are. You don't know what our desires are.
I am a welfare mom.
You don't approve of government programs at all. That's fine. Would you like my family to eat the grass in our front yard? Are you offering my husband a job that would support our family? What solution do you have for the fact that I don't have enough money to buy food for my family?
You think we should just get a job. Do you know how many jobs my husband has applied for? No, you don't. Do you know that I'm not qualified for any job that would cover the cost of daycare and still contribute enough to our household to actually make it be worth having someone else raise our kids? Would you prefer that the state pay for our food while I raise my kids or that the state pay for someone else to raise my kids so that I can buy food? It's either or.
I am a welfare mom.
You know that I stayed in a condo at the beach for three nights and that our whole family went to a concert, so you don't think it's right that I receive welfare benefits. You look at my outfit, my bags from Old Navy, my car, my pedicure, my phone, or any other exterior part of my life and decide for yourself if I'm worthy of the help I'm receiving. But you know nothing, absolutely nothing at all, about how those things happened, how I acquired them, or what they're being used for.
I am a welfare mom.
You make derogatory comments, share insulting cartoons, and look for every opportunity to shed a negative light on welfare recipients. You post things online that you would never say to my face or to the face of anyone else receiving welfare benefits. What are you hoping to accomplish when you do that?
You believe the welfare system is flawed. What are you personally doing to actually create the changes you would like to see? Anything?
I am a welfare mom.
You have no idea how I feel when I buy groceries that are paid for with welfare benefits. You have no idea how I feel when seeking medical care to be paid for with welfare benefits. You have no idea how I feel about paying a portion of our mortgage with welfare benefits. You don't know what I like about being on welfare or what I dislike about it. You don't know how long I've been on welfare or what progress I am making on getting off of it.
And there is no way on God's green earth that I'm going to share those feelings or the details of our situation with people who make a habit of complaining about welfare recipients. No stinkin' way.
I am a welfare mom.
The things you say are about me. The assumptions you make are about me. The stereotypes you perpetuate are about me. And they are about every other welfare recipient whose life you don't know every single detail about.
I am a welfare mom.
I am every welfare mom.
37 comments:
Right on Bethany! I am so tired of people making assumptions about those on welfare. It's ridiculous, insulting, and aggravating. I think everyone should once, just once, have to make the choice between the mortgage and health care, and between food and electricity. I have found that the people complaining the loudest about "those people on welfare" are often those who have never had money troubles and never will, who have always had someone to fall back on should they hit hard times, have always had health insurance. They have NO IDEA what it's like to be out here trying to make it day by day.
And yes, the whole "GET A JOB!" thing is enough to make me want to punch someone in the face. It's HARD out here, really hard. You do what you can to pick up work whatever way you can. 100+ resumes will yield one interview maybe and that's a big maybe. People have got to stop assuming it's so easy to walk into McDonald's and work there. I've heard that one a lot. It's not easy to get those jobs either, contrary to popular belief McD's doesn't hire everyone who comes in and some food service experience is required usually. Not to mention that working there pays just enough to eliminate some welfare benefits, but the pay doesn't make up for those benefits. So you can work at McD's (if you can get the job in the first place) and go without health care and electricity for the month. That is not a choice most people can afford in any sense of the word.
UGH. This subject gets me fired up because I am so tired of the judgmental jerks who don't have a clue at all what it's like to be out here trying to make it and instead want to call you lazy because you collect welfare or say you're not trying hard enough or whatever. They have no idea. NONE.
I've been in similar shoes. It is hard to be on welfare. It is hard to get comments about it when people know NOTHING about our situation. Well-written and good job putting it out there for the world. Just know soem of us our in your corner and some of us know similar feelings.
I've hidden several people on my fb page for comments like this. I always want to say that's my daughter you're talking about. Her situation is a little different because she get's SSI, but she also receives food stamps and medical care. Yes, she lives with us but we won't always be around and I need to teach her how to shop and get the most for her money. She will never be able to get a job, even though on the surface she looks perfectly capable.
Well, you've obviously hit a nerve with me. I'm sorry your nerves have been hit too.
Sharon
I'm totally on your side on this subject. I've been there. Prayers always going to up for you and your family!
*hug* Thank you for posting this!
Been there. It was 31 years ago, and it still hurts to think about it. Thanks for this.
^K.
So very well written. Points to ponder and judge mental attitudes to challenge. We all know someone who cheats the system, but most of us have been there or know someone who has. Most of us understand. It's the loud Richy Riches who don't get it.but for the Grace of God...
You hold your head high and take care of your business and thank God you live where help is available, albeit a free society where bigots can yell disapproval.
(((Hugs))) and I'm sharing this. Even though that captcha will make it hard for me to comment...I will try.
Wonderful well stated article. We don't know the details of your life, and it is none of our business. So many choose to be judge and jury about something they know nothing about. Hang in there.
http://joycelansky.blogspot.com
Or like today, when my daughter's doctor says the insurance company is objecting to the MRI he ordered. Thank you, almighty state insurance, for deciding what my daughter's medical needs are. :P
There are a couple of things you don't know about me... I do live well on my husband's income, and for that I'm very, very grateful. And we give. A lot. More than we can really afford sometimes. And I would be able to give more if the government weren't taking so much. I just don't like the government deciding where I will give. Let me keep more, and I'll give more. I just want to choose where. I wish I had a job to give your dear husband. And I understand about not being able to make enough to pay for daycare- if I got a job at this point, it would put us into an even higher tax bracket, and we would actually end up with less.... Heather
This took a lot of courage. Thank you for posting it and sharing about your situation. It will educate many people and (hopefully) create more empathy in this world. God bless you for your willingness!!
Well said. You have a lot of courage to say this...it needs to be said. Over and over again.
Thank you
Sadly the perpetual judgement always prevails over rational thought.
My feelings are amplified because we have a large family, so we get the added benefit of "You shouldn't have had that many kids if you couldn't afford them!"
Well we WERE able to afford them until we lost our well paying jobs that kept us off welfare! 5 years later and we're still in the same situation, still struggling to find just ONE job to support us like it did before that pink slip! Try making less than half of what you once were with 9 kids to care for. There are no more well paying jobs just for the "taking". Working 2 jobs even for just my husband leaves him needing medical assistance for working himself into an early grave!
Those "things" we have, we had before we lost everything. Many things we've sold off, too, to pay for other things. We've cut back or eliminated holidays, like Christmas.
The cell phones my husband trades for them on Craigslist. We downgraded our 12 passenger van to a 5 passenger car; which means we can never go out at once, together, as a family. It's for school, and work only to help cut down on gas costs.
"They" only know how to complain, judge, and offer no solution. We are darned if we do and darned if we don't.
That was really courageous and I thank you for sharing the "view" from walking in your footsteps. God bless you and your husband.
It's so easy for people to judge when they don't walk in our shoes. I love what you wrote. You wrote everything that I feel about my situation and that of my daughter.
I pray that this blog will be well-circulated. I'm thankful my granddad grew up picking cotton to buy shoes for school, and never forgot where he came from. I'm so thankful I was raised by parents who always helped (in person!) and believed the best of people, and who knew that the good things they had were not of their own making. Most people are not so blessed. Thank you for having goodwill toward those who have judged and insulted you--because I know that you never would have posted this if you didn't believe that some who have misjudged you are capable of seeing the truth. --Nicole H
I agree with everything you said, Bethany. I've not been a welfare mom, but I was a welfare kid. I'm glad you did post.
You had my sympathy till you said you took a vacation in a condo which I can't do myself because I pay for my food. I shop at good will also but I pay for my own food. I don't get my nails done but I buy by own food. I cut my own hair and my kids hair. I drive a standard because it's cheaper and I buy my own food. I am happy you will not reply because I am tried of the hate and greed of everyone on both sides of this issue. I think both sides are wrong. I live within my budget I earn by using my brain to manage my money. And again I think both sides of this issue is wrong.
We all need help sometimes. I do not complain about welfare. Someday I may find myself needing a leg up. Raise your children with morals, give them a healthy outlook on the world and encourage their personal growth. That is the greatest way to pay it forward. For what it's worth, it isn't my business to be watching what someone else has in their shopping cart or what their method of payment is.
I've never been there, but I have been so close that I can still feel the pain from hanging on by my fingernails. I've not walked in your shoes, so I don't judge the walking you've done. Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry that so many are so full of judgement.
Ann
PS
To the Anonymous comment above this one (October 29, 2013 at 7:19 AM), you obviously have NO idea what you are talking about. A LOT of people win prizes. A LOT of people know how to bargain. A LOT of people have family and friends who help them out. Stop being so judgemental!
Maybe some one gave her the condo vacation or shared theirs with her. But you had to judge! "I had sympathy til you said you took a vacation". Maybe you would get one too if you weren't so judgemental.
Q: "So what kind of food would you approve of us buying?"
A: Food you paid for yourself or grew yourself
Q: "What solution do you have for the fact that I don't have enough money to buy food for my family?"
A: What solutions do you have for my problems? Why are your problems suddenly my problems?
Q: Do you know how many jobs my husband has applied for?
A: Applying for jobs is not the same as working diligently towards employment. Anyone can fill out 100s of job applications, that is not difficult or indicative of how much effort you are putting in. Is he taking free online classes to enhance his skills? Working for free as an intern or apprentice to enhance his skills? Started his own side business to bring in a small amount of income?
Q: Do you know that I'm not qualified for any job that would cover the cost of daycare ...?
A: When do I get to collect the benefits of all the free time you spent doing whatever you felt like instead of becoming qualified for good jobs?
S: You look at my outfit, my bags from Old Navy, my car, my pedicure, my phone, or any other exterior part of my life and decide for yourself if I'm worthy of the help I'm receiving.
A: New clothes, bags, a car, pedicure and phone are all expenses that someone receiving welfare should not have they money to purchase. How can you complain about FOOD when you indulge in all these luxuries?
I make no judgments about the style of life that you lead. However I should never be forced to provide for you, much less be forced before ever I am allowed to provide for myself and family.
This person is what one would call a "hater!" So no one cares about your rude comment. In fact not liking someone because they are on welfare sounds like a you problem and like you said since when does your problem become my problem? Congrats on being retarded. Grow your own food or buy your own food? Ain't nobody got time to grow it when there are kids running around and buy it? Since you buy your own food you must know how expensive that can be, especially when you have children. Oh what, because we are down on our luck we are suppose to stop living and just not buy anything for.ourselves that make us happy? We are on welfare guess we should just be depressed too! Pshhh.
I never said I wouldn't like someone because they are on welfare, though I certainly think less of a person when they make decisions that lead to being on welfare. Clearly, their opinion carries less weight as it has brought them to being on welfare.
Yes, my food is expensive. Having children is a choice, one whose burden should not have to be borne by the rest of society.
"Down on your luck" is very different from "making poor decisions". Others have the right to criticize a welfare recipient's lifestyle because they are literally paying for it. I have a right to question the necessity of things I pay for, do I not?
Somebody needs to pay for her mistakes in life. It's society's fault that she failed. I feel so bad for her..
Good luck to you and your family. No, I know nothing about you other than what you shared in this post. AND, what I do see is a smiling family. If the meager benefits you receive contributed in any way to these smiles....great. Thank you.
"You know that I stayed in a condo at the beach for three nights and that our whole family went to a concert, so you don't think it's right that I receive welfare benefits. "
Is this whole article satire? I can't afford to rent a condo for 1 night, let alone 3, but at least I can buy my own food.
Having been there and done that, I empathize with you. Living creatively is a challenge. My family was on welfare while my husband and I were going to school to complete our education. Our kids put up with not being able to do a lot of things. Fortunately, being on welfare was a brief length of time in our lives, as I'm hoping the same for you and your family.
Well said. If I am paying for your groceries and medical care, I should have the right to an opinion on the matter.
Does your husband have a Masters degree? Did the government pay for that too?
There will always be people to judge. Not matter what you do, someone will always find something wrong with it.
I am on my first month of welfare. I should have gone on it a while ago but I was too proud, too determined to make it on my own. See, I am raising a large family on my own and am also battling cancer. I am on welfare because I need it, because my kids need it. I worked many, many years so I feel I paid my part. And, if I am very lucky, I will get many years to work to pay some more. If I am not, well at least I will have gotten some time to not stress about how to feed my kids and spend some time with them.
My husband does have a Masters degree as do I. He works part-time for minimum wage because he's too educated to work at most jobs. His degree is in Education and he taught in Christian schools while working a second job and getting his Masters degree. All that did was price him out of the market for public schools or social services.
I stay home and take care of our autistic son. Because as Bethany stated, it's either that or have the state pay for someone to come in and care for him.
As far as getting nails done or taking a vacation, as someone else stated, no one knows how those were paid for. I received a gift certificate for a pedicure last Christmas from a church that adopted our family. My aunts occasionally pay for us to stay in a hotel when we come to visit them. And I can't plant a garden when I live in public housing! Wish I could! I'd much rather grow my own food than try to buy decent stuff with the $63 a month I get in food stamps!
AMEN! You do what you want to but it is NOT my fault that you can't afford food, when we were out of work (in our chosen fields) we did what we could to take care of OUR family OUR family OUR responsibility may not have been the "best" of jobs but I cleaned houses/offices around my husband being able to care for the kids when he was home from his MANUAL labor job. If you WANT to work there is work. Where is your PRIDE...??? We made it through without handouts...
Love you Bethany. You are wonderful mother, wife, friend, and person.
I think it was brave and amazing of you to write this, and I'm sorry that so many of the commenters didn't get it and had to further support the fact that people judge what they have no idea about, and that it hurts real people. Not government statistics, not tax dollars, but real people.
I don't think she ever wanted your sympathy.
It is none of your business how she paid for a vacation, or if she took a vacation.
It is WAY more expensive to get a new "cheaper" car if you already have a car. No one cares that you drive a standard. No one is applauding that. What worked for you may not work for everyone.
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