QUESTIONS YOU SHOULD NEVER ASK

Let me start things off by saying that this is not directed at anyone in particular. Many people ask these questions and I would venture to say that all those asking have the best of intentions. I think most people just don't take the time to consider why they're asking the question in the first place or what it's like being on the receiving end of the questions. So, I'm just going to list them out. I'm sure I'll forget some, but hopefully I'll give the chronic askers of these questions something to consider.

1) Are you guys going to get married? Pretty awkward for the couple who is in conflict over if/when to get married. Also awkward for the couple who plans to get married, but doesn't want to say anything until they are actually engaged. I think it's safe to say that if a couple is engaged and want you to know it, then they'll make sure you know it. You don't need to ask.

2) When are you going to start having kids? Are you going to have kids? These questions usually start right after you cut your wedding cake. I guess all the people who were asking about getting married need something new to ask you about. The first problem with this question is that it assumes the couple wants kids. While most couples do, the small percentage that don't shouldn't feel obligated to defend their choice to you. The second, and biggest, problem is that it assumes the couple can have kids. There are so many couples who really struggle to get and/or stay pregnant and not all of them want to share their struggle with you. So they either lie, come up with some cliche answer, or burst into tears. Your question is like pouring salt in an open wound. The third problem is that the question is just simply annoying. Everyone asks and they ask all the time.

3) Were you trying to get pregnant? I always want to answer this question with "I was mowing the lawn and Tim was changing the oil and now we're having a baby". Now, I realize I'm sarcastic and people are actually asking for a report on whether or not I pay attention to when I ovulate and use that information to time intercourse in such a way as to conceive a child. I really have no idea why people ask this. Maybe I should start asking them that before giving my standard response of "I don't answer that question because it truly doesn't matter. Either way, we're having a baby". I would never want one of my children to question whether they were truly wanted or not, even if they know we love them.

4) Are you hoping/trying for a boy/girl? Tim and I have never had a preference in the gender of our children. Never. We're just happy to get another little W. However, if I did have a preference (which I never will), you can be sure I would never say what my preference was. I would never want Susie to know I really wanted Sammy or vice versa. This is another question that I have no idea why people ask. I think we get it more than many couples because we don't find out the gender while we're pregnant. So, we get nine long, very long, months of people asking.

5) How many kids are you going to have? My standard answer? "One at a time". We may think we have control over the number of kids we have, but there are enough families with more or less kids than they anticipated to prove that we don't have ultimate control over our family size.

5) Are you going to have more kids? Do you want more kids? My standard answer to this is "I'm not pregnant right now". Again, this question is a hard one for people who would love to have more kids, yet struggle to conceive or stay pregnant.

6) Are you done having kids now? After Naomi was born I noticed that we stopped getting "are you going to have another one" and started getting "are you done now". I don't know if it's because people think three kids is enough or because they figure we weren't content with having only boys. Weird. The implication of this question is that you should be done and no one needs to put that standard on another couple.

I guess that's enough for now. I'm sure you get the point, but just in case you didn't I'll make it really simple, and please know that my tone is friendly. Mind your own business. That's it. If someone wants to share their personal information with you, then they will volunteer the information. You don't need to ask. So, if you are one of those folks who tends to ask these questions, think about why you are asking in the first place. Chances are it's just curiosity. You may get your curiosity satisfied, but you could be annoying or hurting the person you're asking. Not really worth it, is it?

Maybe I'll tackle the list of "statements you should never make" on another day.