LIFE. SOMETIMES IT STINKS.

Sad?  There's a part of my life that's making me feel that way.

Weary and hopeless?  There's something else making me feel like that.

Fearful and stressed?  Another situation has those emotions covered.

I'm spent.  Mentally and emotionally exhausted.  I've shared a few details of one thing with a couple people, but otherwise I've kept everything to myself.  I've always been a pretty open book about life, but sometimes ... well, I guess that sometimes I'm not.

I don't want to be a chronic complainer who constantly laments to the masses about the struggles in their life, so I don't share every emotion or update every detail surrounding some issues.  Everyone has things in their life that are hard.  Everyone.  Now, you know I'm a big fan of being real and have openly shared a variety of hard things over the years, but I'm not going to go out of  my way to say "still hard" ... "yep, still hard" ... "no improvement yet" ... "woe is me" all the time.

I also live with five other people, so their lives are often and naturally tangled up in my struggles (and vice versa).  I won't publicly share things that are also private parts of their lives without their permission and with people who haven't heard their side of the story (though there isn't always a story to be told), just like I wouldn't want them to do that to me.  That means anything that pertains to marriage, parenting, or other family issues will never be available for public consumption.

I don't have the freedom to be real or the energy to be fake.  So I've withdrawn.  I've opted out of attending some things because I don't want to play charades.  I've watched instead of participated.  I've stayed out of conversations because I have nothing but blunt snark to contribute.  I've freaked out.  I've made some extreme statements.  I've cried almost every day.  I've avoided interactions that won't stay at a chatty, superficial level.

I know withdrawing and freaking out aren't healthy, though I certainly believe there are times when it's good to step back to take a deep breath and reevaluate things or pull yourself together, but I feel like I'm in survival mode and I'm doing what I have to.

A few things have helped me the last few days, though.  I dumped some details on a friend the other day and she responded with some words of encouragement.  Jess wrote a fantastic post about what it means to take our thoughts captive, rather than being the captive.  Beep and I are between Bible studies for our weekly Skype date, so I've been reading I Peter, thanks to a reading from an old copy of Streams in the Desert a few days ago, and the following passage is one I've read repeatedly.

I Peter 1:3-9  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade - kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.  In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Though you have not seen him, you love him;  and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Mercy.  New.  Birth.  Living.  Hope.  Resurrection.  Jesus.  Inheritance.  Never perish, spoil, or fade.  Heaven.  Faith.  Shielded.  Power.  Salvation.  Rejoice.  Faith.  Worth.  Genuine.  Praise.  Glory.  Honor.  Love.  Believe.  Joy.

Good stuff.

I don't know how all the current struggles in my little corner of the world will play out.  So ... I'll keep trying to put the happy-cheerful cycle into action because it always helps.  I'll keep sharing the things that are good because there are plenty of them.  I'll keep reading my Bible and spending time in prayer because I need and want to.  I'll keep trying to focus less on my circumstances and more on Jesus because it keeps things in perspective.  I'll put one of my friend's suggestions into practice and work on being mindful about the thoughts I focus on because they are good things to do.  I'll keep failing (and I'll probably keep crying), but I'll keep trying.  There really is no other option.