7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE FAMILIES

I mentioned a few days ago that I'd read Stephen Covey's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families.  I knew nothing about it and had never read anything by him before, but the title caught my eye as I was wandering the stacks at the library.

Much of the book is common sense, yet those "duh" things are ones we often fail to consistently work at.  Other things I hadn't really considered before.  Most of the things that struck me were the real life examples of things the families of the author, his grown children, and various readers, conference attendees, and friends of theirs have done to strengthen their families.  I'm all about practical ideas!

I'm going to list some different thoughts that stood out to me, but I'd encourage you to read the book yourself.  Don't feel locked into doing everything he suggests or expect to agree with every single thing he says, but use the book as a springboard for re-evaluating the dynamics of and relationships in your own family. 

* Families need a destination, a family mission statement that express the shared vision and values of all family members.  He talks quite a bit in the first part of the book about how to develop a mission statement, but the info is good even if you don't want to actually write one out.

* Families need a flight plan, exercising principles that are universal, timeless, and self-evident.

* Families need a compass, the ability to align your family with its principles and do the most appropriate thing in a given situation.

* Develop a pause button, an ability to stop between what happens and how you respond, then deliberately choose your response.

* Life consists of two circles.  The circle of concern includes all the things I care about and I use reactive, blaming, accusing language when talking about those things.  Examples: The kids are driving me nuts, my neighbor is obnoxious, my parents did a lousy job raising me.  The circle of influence is a smaller circle inside the circle of concern.  It includes all the things I can actually do something about and I use proactive language that focuses on things I can do when I talk about those things.  Examples: I can praise good behavior and remain calm when dealing with poor behavior, I will not complain about my neighbor and will seek ways to show kindness to him/her, I will trust that my parents did the best they knew how to do and will make a conscious effort to do some specific things differently.  We need to focus on the circle of influence.

* We need to make many deposits in and few withdrawals from the Emotional Bank Accounts of our family members.  Be proactive and do things that build trust, avoid being reactive and diminishing trust.

* Everyone needs 12 hugs or forms of emotional nourishment each day.  Evaluate how your family is doing with that and make any necessary adjustments.

* Saying that family is important means nothing.  Demonstrating that family is important is what matters.  Is there strong evidence that a close, happy, supportive family is a high priority for you?

* The rewards of home and family are intrinsic, which is why the extrinsic rewards of work and activities can tempt us to shift our priorities.

* Sharpen the saw, take time to consistently and frequently do things that renew your family physically, socially/emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.  Doing the following things together and help that renewal - maintain traditions, have regular family dinners, take family vacations, celebrate birthdays & holidays, have extended and intergenerational family activities, learn new things, worship, work, serve, have fun.   There are tons of examples in the book, but I'm sure you can come up with your own ideas, too.

* Criticizing, complaining, comparing, and competing are the four deadly "cancers" that are deterred by the "immune system" of a healthy family.


You know I can't read a book about something like family without sharing some quotes that I liked, so here are a bunch I made note of while I was reading.

p. 13, Patience is faith in action.  Patience is emotional diligence.  It's the willingness to suffer inside so that others can grow.  It reveals love.  It gives birth to understanding.   Even as we become aware of our suffering in love, we learn about ourselves and our own weaknesses and motives.

p. 24, (quoting someone else) No mother is happier than her most unhappy child.

p. 48, (quoting someone else) Ask yourself, are those around you made happier or better by your presence in the home?

p. 52, Perhaps there is nothing that tests our proactive capacity as much as saying "I'm sorry" to another person.  If your security is based on your image or your position or on being right, to apologize is like draining all the juice from your ego.  It wipes you out.

p. 55, Next to apologizing, the toughest and one of the most important deposits an individual can make ... is to be loyal to family members when they are not present.  In other words, talk about others as if they were present.

p. 113, (quoting Oprah Winfrey) If you don't have the time for one night or at least one hour during the week where everybody can come together as a family, then the family is not the priority.

p. 115, (quoting someone else) I have climbed the ladder of success, and as I'm getting near the top rung, I realize that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall.

p. 119, But there's also no question that the role of parents is a unique one, a sacred stewardship in life.  It has to do with nurturing the potential of a special human being entrusted to their care.  Is there really anything on any list of values that would outweigh the importance of fulfilling that stewardship well - socially, mentally, and spiritually, as well as economically?

p. 119, But that which we desire most earnestly, we believe most easily.

p. 206, There's no way to have rich, rewarding family relationships without real understanding.  Relationships can be superficial.  They can be functional.  They can be transactional.  But they can't be transformational - and deeply satisfying - unless they're built on a foundation of genuine understanding.

p. 221, We can also make up our minds not to be offended by others.  Taking offense is a choice.  We may be hurt, but there is a big difference between being hurt and taking offense.  Being hurt is having our feelings wounded - and it does smart for a time - but taking offense is choosing to act on that hurt by getting back, getting even, walking out, complaining to others, or judging the "offender".

p. 233, Always ask yourself, "Will this feedback really be helpful to this person, or does it just fulfill my own need to set this person straight?"  If there's any anger inside you, then it's probably not the time or the place to give feedback.

p. 236, This taught me forcibly that when people have done their best, whether it meets your standards or not is irrelevant.  That is the time to give them appreciation and praise.  When someone has completed a major task or project, or has accomplished something that required supreme effort, always express admiration, appreciation, and praise.  Never give negative feedback - even though it may be deserved and even though you do it in a constructive way and with good motives in order to help the person do better.  Give the constructive feedback at a later time when the person is ready for it. 

But at the time, praise the effort.  Praise the heart that went into it.  Praise the worth of the person, the personal identity that was transmitted into the project or work.  You're not compromising your integrity when you take such an encouraging, appreciating, affirming approach.  You're simply focusing on that which is more important that some nervous definition of excellence.