TEARS & TRUST

This was my view for a chunk of Saturday afternoon. It was time spent sobbing, praying, yelling, and then repeating the process again and again. As I stared out the window, I was suddenly struck with some analogies, both positive and negative, tying that particular setting to the nitty gritty of my life. So I pulled out my phone and took a picture to remind myself of the moment later.

It's been a hard year for me. Hurt from the utterly ridiculous things people say and completely unfair things they do. Blindsided by devastating things that will forever impact the lives of people I love. Incredibly discouraged by my own unrealistic expectations and repeated failures. Frazzled by old memories that new situations dredge up. Shattered dreams, lost hope, and the birth of cynicism I've never had before.

Those analogies I came up with? I'm not going to share them. The various things that have happened this year? I'm not sharing them either. Some are too personal, things I'll never share with anyone or that I've already shared with the one or two people I sought out for encouragement and advice. Some involve other people whose story it is to tell. Some would ensure the unnecessary demise of other people's friendships. To share any of them here, or even in more private conversations, would just be gossip that doesn't accomplish anything positive.

So why am I bothering to say any of this at all? Because it's real life. Because everyone has struggles. Because I know there are those who see me smiling in public and, in the midst of their own overwhelming circumstances, slip into thinking everyone else's life is better than theirs. (Sidenote: I'm not faking it in public. Interacting with people in social settings has always been something I love. It's in private settings where I lose it.) Because one can be surrounded by a plethora of positive things, which I am, and still be consumed by the negatives ones, which I also am. Because I just need to say it, to acknowledge the chaos of my thoughts and emotions.

Life is hard. Stinkin' hard.

And I'm not handling it well at all right now. 

I'm a talker, but there is a part of me that wants to avoid all conversation. I'm a fixer, but there's a part of me that wants to ignore the problems I need to be part of resolving. I'm an extrovert, but there is a part of me that wants to avoid all humanity. It's easy to take the falling stones of a life that feels like it's crumbling and use them to build a wall of self-preservation around yourself. Isolation doesn't help in the long run. I know that, but I'm struggling to put it into practice right now.

I was tempted as I had a meltdown over the weekend to just close my eyes and take a nap in the van or mindlessly scroll through Facebook on my phone until I'd calmed down. Then I thought about my post over the summer about the idea of a refuge and reached for a little Bible we keep in the vehicle instead.

The sobbing continued for a while, as did the yelling. Emotions don't instantly get under control just because we've chosen a wise way to cope with them. But least I wasn't stewing on the things I was worked up over at the moment. Right? I was setting my eyes on where I wanted to go, even though I wasn't anywhere remotely close to arriving there. Baby steps in the right direction.

I spent quite a bit of time reading various psalms, but kept coming back to Psalm 62:5-8.

I don't have time to list all the ways it spoke to me, but it was exactly what I needed to read! I checked it out in my parallel Bible when I came home and love verse eight in the Amplified Bible.

Trust in, lean on, rely on, and have confidence in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is a refuge for us (a fortress and a high tower). Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!

If you're one who's in a comfortable season where life is humming along pretty smoothly, soak it up and enjoy the ride. If you're one who, like me, is in the throes of struggling to keep your head and heart in a good place while life throws one challenge after another at you (or maybe it's just one huge issue one that's not going away anytime soon), know you're not alone. Give your soul a pep talk, like in the passage above. Don't seek out distractions as if they're refuges. Have a good cry as you pour out your heart to God. Trust him. Keep on keepin' on.

********

I typed everything above on Saturday evening when I was calm, but still feeling pretty raw. Yesterday morning I went to church, cried my way through some songs and conversations, and heard a teaching about living with the reality of heaven, about being a Christian whose perspective of life is from the lens of an eternity with God. I'm not personally caught up in temporal things like monetary affluence, social standing, or material possessions, but I sure do let temporal situations, both short and long-term ones, determine my mood and behavior!

Being encouraged to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, not on the circumstances of the day (or month or year, as the case may be), was good for me to hear. Emotions are fine and the problems of life will often require my blood, sweat, and tears to resolve, but I need to face them without being ruled by them. Here are a few of the verses that stood out to me.

Matthew 6:21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

John 14:1 Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me.

Colossians 3:2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 

I also had a discussion after church with someone who asked me questions about hormones factoring into my emotional upheaval. It's only been during the last few years that my emotions have been affected at all by my cycle, so I don't always remember to see if that's part of the problem when anger or sadness (or both, which is all kinds of awesome) are spiraling out of control. My struggle this last year has been steady enough that I know it's not all hormones, but it's possible they played a role in my meltdown on Saturday. I was given some suggestions for ways to adjust my vitamin intake that may help balance things out and I plan on giving at least one of them a try.

Between having time to settle down, being challenged and encouraged at church, and a hormone discussion, I almost decided to take this post off today's schedule. I opted to leave it because all my initial reasons for sharing are still valid. Hopefully it will be an encouragement to someone else who is struggling to keep their thoughts and emotions above water.