A LITTLE UPDATE ON ME

I've had this conversation with some of you recently, but I wanted to also give an update here.

As you know, I've had a few rough months. Life was kinda stressful and discouraging. Then pregnancy made me nauseous and more exhausted than I've ever been in my life. Then life became overwhelming. I felt like junk and was really depressed. I cried all the time. I lived on the couch. I hid out in my bedroom as soon as Tim was home to parent. I skipped church (not the worst thing a person can do, I realize, but totally out of character for me and the first time I'd ever skipped for the sake of skipping) to lay in bed and stare at the wall.

Though I'd finally admitted here and to people face to face that I wasn't doing well emotionally, I still hadn't been completely honest with anyone. Then one day I lost it at church. I listed for someone every area of my life that I hated, which was pretty much all of them, and that I'd walk out if I knew it wouldn't traumatize my kids. That wasn't an exaggeration. I was spending every day fighting the desire to just leave. I didn't have anywhere to go (well, at least not permanently) and logically I realized that life wouldn't be any better if I did leave. It didn't matter to me, though. I was just so overwhelmed and discouraged. I'd basically lost all coping skills.

Anyway, the woman I dumped all that on met with me a couple days later, which I blogged about at the time. Over the last month or so I've come out of that pit I was in. A couple people have asked me what I did to get over the depression and I don't have an easy answer. I think it was a handful of things.

One, I had people encouraging and praying for me. That was huge!! It was nice to be reminded that people cared and that I didn't have to fake happy.

Two, I made some changes in the things I was doing and saying. I started reading my Bible regularly, stopped constantly saying "I'm done" in regards to my life (I wasn't suicidal at all, but just felt hopeless), made things right with people I owed apologies to, and tried to act normal in regards to getting dressed, cooking, leaving the house on occasion.

Three, my first trimester ended and I started feeling better physically. I've never had any sort of emotional drama with my pregnancies, though I know that's common for a lot of women, so I'm not sure if my depression had hormonal roots or not. I do know, however, that having my body start feeling better made my head start to be in a better place.

Yes, I still get stressed and bark at my family. No, my energy level is not at its peak (but it's normal for being preggo and way better than it was first trimester). Yes, I'm still struggling with living in this apartment. No, Tim does not have a job this fall. But none of those things feel overwhelming like they did for the last few months.

I don't live on the couch. I don't cry all day. I don't feel the need to walk out the door. I like my family. I get dressed. I leave the house. I laugh. I feel normal.

Thanks for sticking with me through this rough patch I just went through!