ON MY MIND

Sometimes you have all sorts of things you want to write about. Things like ...

Placing a great value on something most people don't feel is very important. Laughing with someone to the point of tears. Totally unexpected words of encouragement or gratitude about things I've been very intentional about, but have never drawn attention to. Considering how the things I complain about in others are often things I do myself. Pondering how my perceptions aren't always accurate, both in how I'm coming across to others and how others are coming across to me. Knowing the things that have hurt me are probably things I've done to hurt others, whether I was aware of it at the time or not.

Facing big parenting issues and wondering if my decisions will blow up in my face ten or twenty years down the road. Dealing with small parenting issues and being annoyed by the repetition of trivial problems. The joy of watching my kids thoroughly enjoy each other's company. The hypocrisy of yelling at my kids in frustration, even though I tell them they can be upset with each other, but still need to speak respectfully. The stress of watching a kid make really poor decisions and the peace of watching them make wise ones. The blessing of a spouse who is an equal contributor to parenting and household responsibilities when he's home. The frustration when spouses are sincerely trying to work through a problem, but can't figure out a solution. The unpleasantness of seeing my own weaknesses come to light through the dynamic of a marriage relationship. The ups and down, both mild and extreme, of sharing a life and roof with other people.

People who speak the truth in love, validating how I feel while challenging me to take responsibility for my part of various problems. Choosing not to share private matters publicly, whether by criticizing others, defending myself, or making people outside of the situation aware the problem exists, regardless of how others involved decide to handle it. The awkward moment when people suddenly remember I don't know what they're all talking about because I've been excluded from previous conversations that kept people in the loop. Realizing that a friendship isn't as important to the other person as it was to me. Realizing that a friendship isn't as important to me as I thought it was. Times of loneliness that have nothing to do with how many people are around me. The comfort of being known, and being loved anyway.

The risk of setting a goal that I'm not sure is attainable. The devastation of dreams being shattered for reasons beyond my control. Feeling like I'm drowning in responsibilities and wondering if I'm prioritizing everything correctly. Trying new methods of time management that work really well. Trying others that totally flop. Striving to find a balance between work, play, and rest in the midst of a life that's constantly shifting. Feeling tired more often than not. The low of feeling spiritually stagnant and the high of being in awe of Jesus. Being realistic, especially when I want to be irresponsibly optimistic or unnecessarily pessimistic.The discouragement of unfinished projects. The satisfaction of making something a priority, not just saying it's a priority.

Sometimes I don't have time to elaborate on any of those things. Sometimes I couldn't elaborate, even with all the time in the world. Sometimes I just need to list them out, to get it all out of my head and onto paper the best way I can.