There are two types of old women. There's the sweet lady whose kindness everyone is drawn to and who people of all kinds enjoy being around. There's the crotchety old lady who constantly picks everyone and everything apart and who people make every effort to avoid. Yes, those are stereotypes and there are obviously people who fall somewhere in the middle of those extremes, but if you look around you'll see that most old women fall into one of those two categories.
I really want to be the first kind of old lady! That won't magically happen on its own, though. Regardless of how we define "old", who we are when we reach that point will just be an exaggerated version of who we were in the years leading up to it. Our younger years are spent practicing and perfecting the kind of old people we will be.
Losing your filter is not something to be commended. Of course, we're all a bunch of sinners who lack self-control and deliberately say mean or disrespectful things at various times or who appear to have lost our filter when we say the wrong things with good intentions. I'll be the first to raise my hand as a guilty on that count. That's not what I'm talking about, though. I'm referring to people who define themselves and/or are known by others as someone who consistently speaks whatever is on their mind and voices every thought they have with no consideration of or care for how their words affect other people or situations. Interestingly, those who claim they have no filter generally aren't people who let compliments and gratitude flow freely out of their mouth. Those filters seem to be firmly secured. It's just the filter for any form of negativity that they've discarded.
Proverbs 18:2 A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.
Ouch! According to the Bible, those of us who get a kick out of giving voice to every thought we have are fools. That verse hits me right between the eyes every time I read it. I have lots of opinions and am a pretty vocal person, neither of which are inherently bad, but there have been countless times when I've been more concerned with making sure people know what I think than I've been with trying to understand where others are coming from, seeing the big picture (or the small one, depending on the situation), giving just as much weight to someone else's perspective as my own, or finding a solution. That makes me a fool. Not someone who's training to be a kind old woman. Just a fool. A fool who proudly runs her mouth at the expense of people and relationships.
Is there a time and place to voice our negative opinion of something? Of course, but we should handle those situations with tact. Does being a sweet person mean we can't be honest about the things in life that are hard? Absolutely not. In fact, I'm really grateful for the people in my life who I can be real with and who are real with me, but who never add fuel to my fire and always challenge me to do the right thing.
Not caring what people think is another thing that's not admirable. I certainly don't think it's healthy to spend our time fretting over whether or not people will think we're fashionable, have a cool house, drive a nice car, or whatever. That's just arrogant. In those types of things we shouldn't care what people think. Life isn't a competition for who has the most or best of whatever our culture currently deems as cool. That being said, we should care what other people think of us. I firmly believe that's something that we all inherently know, even the people who claim they don't care what people think of them. It's why we dress professionally for job interviews or declare the injustice when someone's life is ruined by a false accusation. What people think matters. It just does.
Proverbs 22:1 A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.
Here's where this point has really come to my attention lately. Two men died recently. I didn't know either one of them, but our lives had some overlap. One was a retired NBA player and worked in the NBA at the time of his death. I'd never spoken to him, but we sat about fifty feet away from each other every Sunday morning. His death was unexpected. The other was an accomplished musician and a worship leader at a church in an area we used to live. I'd never met him, but we knew a lot of the same people and my dad had treated him when he was going through radiation. Everyone knew his death was coming soon. I read a lot of comments about the first man in news articles and on Facebook. I read a lot of comments about the second man on Facebook and watched the live stream of his memorial service.
Do you know what I heard and saw as I read and watched those things? Person after person after person sharing about the way those men treated others well, loved Jesus, and always showed a sincere interest in the lives of others. People talked about how they were humble, despite being very skilled in their given fields. They talked about how these were men of integrity who loved their families and were committed to their friendships and communities. Examples were shared of honorable things these men had done and any reference to their accomplishments or talents was in the context of praising their character.
Do you know what I didn't see or hear, what I've never seen or heard when someone dies? Gratitude for the person's ever-present condescending attitude. Joy over the fact that they never cared what people thought of them. Respect for the way they always made their opinion be the most important thing, regardless of the cost. A strong desire to imitate their filter-less speech. Sadness over not being able to hear their rude comments anymore. Why don't we ever see those things? Because no one, and I mean no one, enjoys people who have no filter and who don't care what people think of them.
Oh, sure, those people often have others in their lives who love them and there will be regrets over lost opportunities for healthy relationships, but they aren't truly missed when they're gone. It's crickets and tumbleweeds when those people die, just generic comments about how they lived a long life or died so young, depending on the person, but there's no respect, no legacy of lives that were made better because of them, nothing in their character to admire or strive for.
Do you know what else I never see? Respect for how much money was in their checking account. Gratitude for the time they spent stressing over whether or not to get granite counter tops. Admiration for what brand of jeans they wore and how great they looked in them. Do you know why? Because people who truly care about someone don't give a rip about that stuff. There's nothing wrong with acquiring nice things, having lots of money, or being physically attractive, but they are totally superficial things that have no true value. What a shame if the primary way a person is remembered after they die is for their silver and gold, whether proverbial or literal.
Neither of these men were old and they were ... well, men ... but they were both examples of the first type of old woman I described, the kind of person I want to be. Like I said, I didn't know either of these men personally, but I know without a doubt they said things they shouldn't have and that there were times getting their way or having the last say was more important than doing the honorable thing. That's just humanity. However, the things people said when they died spoke volumes about their character. They had good names, they were esteemed not just by people who only saw them at work, only interacted with them online, only talked with them at church, only had shared hobbies ... but by people from all different parts of their lives who had known them for varying lengths of time. I think that's awesome!
My prayer for myself is that I would be someone who can be defined as being wise instead of a fool, doesn't always insist on voicing opinions, sees value in having a good and well-earned reputation, and puts people over things. That's a God-sized job, for sure, something that will only happen over time ... lots of time ... a lifetime, to be exact. I'm a work in progress, trying to practice being the kind of person I want to be decades from now.
As for you, I'd ask you to consider two things. First, what kind of old person do you want to be? Second, what do you want to be remembered for when you die? Figure out your answer, then honestly assess where you're at in the process. Look at the behaviors and attitudes you're practicing right now, determine if you're on the right trajectory for where you want to end up, then adjust things accordingly.
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