FYI - I'm part of two forums and asked the women there to define success as a wife, mom, and homemaker on the same day I posted about it here. They have given me permission to share their answers. I've done that by posting them as comments "from a forum friend". Each number represents a different person, not the same person continually commenting. And now back to the original post.
I'm going to be totally transparent here.
I struggle daily, 24/7, with feeling like a failure as a wife, mom, and homemaker. It's not the occasional bad day or rough week. It's constant, it's overwhelming, and it's been going on for a couple years.
As I shared this struggle with some women the other day, one of them asked me how I would define success as a wife, mom, and homemaker. I've been thinking on that since she asked and writing down the things that come to mind. It's been good for me to distinguish between the things I think or know are my duties, my "to do" list in those areas, and the way I would actually define success. I've realized that I determine my success or failure by whether or not I can cross everything off the "to do" list.
I'm going to spend some more time today thinking on my definition of a successful wife, mom, and homemaker and tomorrow I'll share what I come up with.
What I want is for you to tell me how you would define success in any or all of those three areas.
What I don't want is sympathy or a "you're a great mom". I just want to tackle this from a practical standpoint, not an emotional one. Okey dokey, artichokey?
18 comments:
I will be very transparent, too. But as I would like to elaborate and share my struggles, I am going to send an email your way!
I define success as a wife in many ways I guess. My first measure of this is by how happy my husband is. I am blessed by my forum in the way that having to constantly teach bookstudies on becoming a woman after God's heart, a Godly wife; I am thinking and researching this frequently so it's on my mind a lot. WHat ever is on your mind is most likely at the front of your list of things to work on. Let me tell you that the wife I was 12 years ago and the wife I am today could NOT be further from each other! Thank God for that! I think I was selfish, controlling, extremely spoiled - didn't enjoy cooking/cleaning/housekeeping in any form and so much more...God has truly transformed my heart, and my marriage.
I never say no to my husband in bed, even if I'm not feeling up to it - what's 10 minutes?!
I work very hard to keep the house at least TIDY, laundry reasonably done and most importantly, our bedroom clutter free and our sheets smelling fresh ( I often spray them with his favorite scent).
I work very hard to listen to him and when he remarks that he likes or desires something, I file that away to make sure and do it when I can; whether it be baking, an item I could purchase - music, or just keeping his coveralls clean and fresh.
I work very hard training the kids to be respectful and thoughtful of Daddy. I praise him in front of them all the time and before he comes home from work, I make a big deal "Daddy's going to be home in 20 mins." and we dance around the house and tidy up. Not every day but most days. I praise him also, in front of others.
I encourage him to take a break from his hard work when ever I can; go for a bike ride, or a walk or fishing.
I'll work on the mama success and get back...
Success as a Mom is measured mainly by the atmosphere in our home. Yes, we bicker at times, yes we have sibling squables, yes we get grumpy and snap at one another at times...but we love each other and we're respectful of the other.
One of the most wonderful things my sweetie and I have to measure our success by is the fact that our kids talk to us about everything! Our 11 yr old boy told us the other day that he has thought about this particular friend who visits, and how he causes trouble when ever he is here and how he has noticed that he doesn't feel good when that friend is here. Our 9 yr old son talks to us about something he saw on the computer or at Grandma's that he knows we wouldn't like, Our 4 yr old daughter talks to us about how what her little friend said, that hurt her feelings and asks questions that make us blush, but she asks! That to me, is a huge success!
I spend time thinking about each child individually and what makes them happy, I listen to them and I try to do these things with them, even if they are out of my happy zone. I also pray for my children individually and take them out on dates individually as often as I can.
I read to my children and that leads to many conversations and hours of snuggling. I love that.
My children have a heart for each other. That doesn't mean they always get along but they love each other and know what it means to be kind in sour circumstances.
These are some of the things that make me successful as a mom. I am a teacher at heart and our entire daily life is spent with a heart of learning in mind.
B, you are in a season. A season that is one of the most difficult of a woman's life. In history and in most non-western cultures even today, a woman would never be alone like we Westerners are during this season. You'd have your mother, little sisters, cousins, there helping you and supporting you. One would carry water, one would do washing, one would do the bulk of the childcare and what education happened would be delegated out as well.
But in the U.S. women are left to do it all. The modern woman has compensated by becoming more like a man-- getting a job, hiring out the childcare to a professional. And very few women are truly good housekeepers anymore, and few actually cook. Most of us heat up prepared food more often than cook.
So what am I saying? I am saying you need to focus on not drowning. Tread water, swim for a while then tread again to get your breath. You won't be able to do all things perfectly. Not all by yourself.
Prioritize and delgate. When I had 3 kids ages 5 and under (ok that barely happened, I had 4 kids 5 and under), I had matching outfits for the kids- one pair blue shorts, one khaki, and one denim short-all. One red tee, and polos in white and red. That's all they had, period. When they came out of the wash, they were folded together into outfits and put into a gallon size ziplock and put in an organizer in the laundry room. The kids were dressed in the laundry room- the pajamas went into the washing machine with the sheets (or hung on a peg to air out if they were clean enough to wear again). The ziplock went into the laundry basket on the dryer. They each had one pair of sandals, so no socks.
Meals were similar. They ate the same thing each morning for bfast and lunch, and for dinner I had 14 meals that rotated every 2 weeks. The shopping list was the same every time, I never had to think about what to cook. I even did "30 meals in the freezer" back then.
So just simplify, prioritize, delegate when you can. My kids were helpful when they got to be teens, but I still had 3 kids 6 and under, and I had to decide to delegate the older kids to charter school because I could not do EVERYthing. Some people delegate littles to preschool, but I wanted to keep my babies. :)
Success means knowing that you are seeking counsel from the Holy Spirit, and that you are resting in Him, and that you know you are doing what you ought because you ARE in His will.
Hi my friend. I totally agree that it is a struggle to feel that you are doing what the Lord has called us to do well. All I know is that each day I have to constantly remember that if each day I follow Matthew 6:33,
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;
and all these things shall be added unto you.", then I know that the Lord will add all of the things unto me that I lack. Which, by the way, is a lot!
The Lord tells us that in Him there is NO condemnation. He does not want us to be down on ourselves for the areas we may not always measure up. God has no expectations of us, He knows what we've done, are doing, and have yet to do...and He's already worked it out to completion. The last verse of encouragement I will give you for today...because I have to stand on this myself is: Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
So, keep on keeping on and don't weary in well-doing. You ARE a good Mom, Wife, Daughter...because you ARE in Christ! Love you girl, and I hope that the Lord encourages your heart today. ;)
Bethany, I am glad you have raised this issue, I struggle with this all the time, and you know the funny thing is that whenever I read about what you've been doing, all the baking, cooking, homeschooling, saving money through the grocery shopping game, it puts me to shame and I feel like I am not being a successful wife, mom and homemaker. I know each of us struggle with feeling like we are doing a good job, but I think all we can do is pray, and try, and if the family is happy, that is all that really matters.
I am working on spending more "quality" time with Elijah, and putting him first, I tend to get busy with cleaning, laundry, computer stuff, and whatever else, that I don't spend a lot of good quality play time and interaction time with Elijah, so I know that once I can manage my time better with that, I will feel more successful as a Mom.
As for being a homemaker, I keep my house pretty clean, which I may have to let up on a bit to become better in other more important areas. I have been slacking in the cooking area though, I am hoping that once the baby is born, I will have the desire to get back in the kitchen and do some cooking, I do kind of miss it, then I may feel a bit more successful if I can put nice homecooked meals on the dinner table every night.
As a wife I am just doing the best I can, I need to be more aware of David's needs and check in with him to make sure he is getting everything he needs from me, and if he is happy, then I guess I am doing ok.
Anyway, thanks again for raising the issue, I look forward to reading others comments as well. It is nice to know that we all struggle with it, at least at times if not all the time, my struggle has been all the time, so it has been my constant prayer to be a better, more successful, involved parent, wife and homemaker. I will keep you in my prayers for that as well. Thanks!
Boy, you really got me thinking about success. :o) It really does mean something different for each individual. To me, here are some things that have defined success in my life….(in random order)…
-Finding a cool, shady spot under
a tree on a blistering hot day
-Holding your tongue when you want
to do exactly the opposite (in a
non-loving way)
-Looking back seeing you held your
patience after a long, tiring day
and you were 1 thread away from
breaking
-Smiling the whole day and not
letting anyone or anything
(including myself) turn my day
sour
-Going out the door feeling pretty
-Not letting the enemy win
-Watching your child hug and love
someone else because you taught
them that
-Hearing from someone else what a
great heart your child has for
serving, giving and for God
-Memorizing a bible verse
-Doing God’s will even if you
don’t understand it
-Feeling chaos and sore inside but
knowing God is working on you
(and you just lift your head in
the rain and let the sweet drops
of the Lord fill you)
-Knowing you’re going to heaven
-Being a woman of a gentle and
quiet spirit and at the end of
the day you know you succeeded at
doing it because your husband
said so
-Giving and serving
-Sacrificing to give others joy
-Painting my nails and it looks
good
-A little one-liner from Debbie
Mumm – “Success consists of
getting up once more oftener than
you fall down”
I asked my husband and he summed it all up - "Success is when you set a goal and you have achieved it!"
A little note from what I have been through....remember that you can't do it all and that is why we have God! Sometime He doesn't want us to do it all - He wants us to humble ourselves and rely only on Him.
Hang in there, keep your eyes fixed on JC, let the Lord work in you, and at the end of the day have peace knowing you are raising your family to know Christ! I always remind myself that I’m not Wonder Woman, I’m not the Bionic Woman…I’m just a woman after God’s own heart! I will be praying for you.
I'm not sure I totally agree with 'Magnificent Sevens' reasoning about being a mom and wife in the U.S. I have a home overseas brimming with help and I still feel these same things. (although she did have a lot of good stuff to say too!)
I do agree, however, with Gina Anders. When I read your blog I think 'she's got it together!'. Which I think is one of the biggest problems as wives and moms....
Comparing!!!
It's such a dangerous trap, but we do it all the time. So, unless I'm in sin and need to straighten something out, I say we look away from everyone else and just focus on what God says is true about us:
We're loved, cherished, forgiven, his bride, beautiful, we have every spiritual blessing, we're chosen, all we have to do is ask for wisdom and He gives it.... it goes on and on.
We already have the victory, Berth, let's walk in it!!
#1 FROM AN ONLINE FRIEND
I don't know, Bethany! I'm sure it looks different to everyone.
I think, for me, it probably relates to having a goal and working toward it. I know that sounds kind of backwards, but I think success in being a wife, parent, and homemaker is a constantly moving target. Off the top of my head, success, then, would involve moving toward a specific point - not BEING there, but GOING there.
#2 FROM A FORUM FRIEND
I agree with a lot of the above posters, but I would have to add something that I literally learned just a few hours ago.
Success in life must include being content with who you are, what you have, and what God has given you to do.
I have an at-home direct sales business, but I have been struggling with whether or not I should continue. I have loved my years in it but I'm beginning to feel out of my element as my children grow and need more of my time in school and activities (rather than being babies I can haul where ever I happen to be going). Today I called my upline and gave her the only new-customer event I've scheduled in over 2 years (I have a terrific established customer base). It's a crazy thing to do, a very poor business decision, but I feel GREAT about it. It's what God called me to do. I am content with my little business as it is, and if I deactivate in the next year I will be content with that as well.
I put my family first. I passed the test. Today was a successful day.
#3 FROM A FORUM FRIEND
What a great discussion this will be, Bethany!
Success in being a wife, for me, is praying daily for my husband. Also doing things that bless him. He likes his laundry done and folded and ready to pack over the weekend. Anything he leaves home, he'd like done when he gets home on Friday. Yep, I can do that. He eats out of a cooler all week, so making nice meals on the weekend is important to him, so I make it important for me, even though all I want on the weekend is to do NOTHING! I'm spent by Friday.
Not complaining about our living situation right now is a big thing. I hate living and being married like this. But complaining to Doug certainly doesn't help. In addition to praying for him, not complaining or dwelling on the things that are bugging me about him IN MY MIND is huge for me! I need to stay positive.
Being successful as a parent, for me, means being consistent, meaning what I say and not letting them wear me down. I am not having a great time of this lately. It is hard to be the only parent most of the time. It is easy to just let them do whatever because it gets them out of my house and the stress of them constantly home away from me. But I can't always do what is easy. Praying for them, learning to let them grow up and make mistakes, while still guiding them, requiring them to do chores and know how to run the household, realizing that even though they screw up and do incredibly dumb things, it is NOT because I am a bad parent or didn't do it right. I strive to do the best I can with what I know. I pray. I ask for guidance from others that have been there before me. We're willing to say we messed up, they were right and we can alter something if necessary. Not freaking out and bringing it to the Lord. That is a struggle for me. I majorly like to be in control and easily freak out. So it's a learning process, even after all these years. And as teens, they give you more to freak out about
As a homemaker, you don't have to do it all, all the time. Are you striving towards a goal? Are you spending your time wisely? Are you feeding your family, clothing them and keeping a relatively neat house?
I used to be a very meticulous, OCD type homemaker. I cooked 2 and 3 meals a day, every day! I vacuumed twice a day. I dusted 3 times a week and scrubbed the kitchen and bath 2 or 3 times a week. I was making my family crazy! So I was not being a very successful homemaker. Driving your family insane and them wishing they could not move out is not a great definition of success
Then I got sick and well, I just couldn't do it all. I learned to delegate. I learned that it is OK not to do it all. It is OK to vacuum once a day (we have a lot of pets!), it is OK for the kids to have cereal, bagels or frozen waffles for breakfast and actually fix it and clean it up themselves. I am not a failure if those things happen.
So now I strive to dust weekly, clean the bathroom weekly and make meals a few times a week, mostly on the weekend. I really need to step up the meal prep. I've really slacked the past 1 1/2 years since Doug doesn't come home. These boys still need healthy meals, and a lot of them because they are big teen boys that are always hungry!
I talked with Doug about the things most important to him. Because they were ALL important to me. And he helped me relax. And I had a small email group I was a part of and they all prayed me through relaxing my homemaking OCDness.
So I think that success is praying, spending time wisely, blessing your husband, and being consistent in your parenting.......which I find incredibly difficult, but I'm learning. And I may figure it out in the next 4 years before they all graduate LOL.
#4 FROM A FORUM FRIEND
To me success isn't something I do. It's not marking off my to do list. It's not making people happy. It's not a clean house, gourmet meals, etc.
It's seeing myself in God's eyes and seeing other's through His eyes. It's being filled with His Spirit and letting Him live and love through me.
If I'm doing that, I can't help but be successful as a wife and mother.
I think when I get hung up on to do lists, house cleaning, homeschooling, I'm trying to succeed on my own power. It will never happen. I might accomplish a lot, but it won't be true success.
But when I lay down my life daily and ask Him to live through me, I can succeed at almost any task.
Psalm 1 is a great place to start-
1 Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.
Success, to me, is delighting in the Lord day and night. Then I can clean, cook, teach, minister, etc and it will prosper. This is one of the first Chapters I teach my dc. I want our family to be like a tree firmly planted, yielding much fruit!
One example, I hate cleaning. But my dh really likes a clean house. I can clean so much quicker and in a joyful spirit if I pray before I start and I remember that I am doing this for the Glory of God. (1 Cor. 10:13 - Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for the glory of God.)
I think the other things is to have godly goals for your family. My goal is in 3rd John 1:4-
4I have no greater joy than this, to hear of my children walking in the truth.
That's how I'll know I'm a success. When my kids are grown, I want to hear they are walking in truth. For that to happen, my dh and I have to continually rely on God in our marriage and in our parenting.
OK, so this is long and I'm out of time. It's a great question, with lots of good answers, I suspect. This is how I think of success, though. Sorry if this isn't what you were looking for. I think if you Seek Him, He will show Himself to you, Bethany. Just asking the question is a great start!
#5 FROM A FORUM FRIEND (the one who asked the question in the first place)
All well and good for me to ask the question since I have a hard time answering it myself.
I guess for me the ultimate success is to hear "Well done, good and faithful servant" and for my husband and children to hear the same thing.
With regards to dh--that means being his spiritual and physical helpmeet. Praying for him, encouraging him, both seeking and providing counsel, being his friend and lover.
For the kids---help them discover and develop their talents for God's glory, teaching them hard work, responsibility, and to care for others. To hold them accountable when they do wrong..but to show grace when they need that too. To teach them to get help/seek counsel when they are stuck with a problem and not do everything on their own.
For housekeeping---honestly, this is not a huge priority since dh could care less what the house looks like and pays little attention to what he eats. So most of what I do there is because I need things to function a certain way or I lose my sanity. Basically I like things to run somewhat efficiently, good meals, laundry done, house picked up enough that I am okay with people coming and going, some clutter okay but not out of control, bills paid on time.
I have learned the hard way not to pay attention too much to other people's standards. Dh expects more input and opinions and "push back" from me than many of my Christian friends are comfortable with--it doesn't look like submission to them. So I am careful with whom I share details of my marriage IRL.
Ditto on the house. Our house is okay but far from immaculate. I have learned to deal with it because there are not enough hours in the day. As my mother used to say--If they are your friends, they won't complain about the lack of perfection. And if they complain...they are being rude. LOL
#5 FROM A FORUM FRIEND
3 John 1:4 - I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.
#6 FROM A FORUM FRIEND
I want to hear Jesus say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." I want my boys to be young men that are following and believing God. I want to be a wife that my dh knows supported him through both the easy and the good times.
I want my family to know that I loved and believed God and that I love them with all that I have and would give anything for them to know each and every blessing that God has stored up for them if they believe and follow him.
#7 FROM A FORUM FRIEND
In a tiny nutshell, it is blessing my dh and honoring him as I would unto the Lord.
#8 FROM A FORUM FRIEND
My answer --
success as a wife/mom -- When I am the kind of wife/mom that my partner/child(ren) is able to come to me with complaints, burdens, fears, worries, concerns, as well as joys, triumphs, victories, etc. and know that I will listen, hug, cry with, laugh with, problem solve, change myself if needed, and otherwise respond appropriately to the whatever piece of their soul that they have laid bare before me.
When they trust me enough to lay their soul bare and know that they are safe, then I am succeeding. When they know that I will hear these issues and work towards correcting or fixing things in myself that need to be fixed, and not hear accusations where there are none, then I am succeeding.
Homemaker, not so sure. Good nourishing food. Clean clothes. A house that is comfy enough to be a home, but clean enough not to be a distraction. A house that is clean enough that people don't notice. That's my goal.
A house that is too dirty, and people notice all the little "gee, she really needs to _________." They are not comfortable there because they are wondering about germs, and grime, and dirt and what-not.
A house that is too clean, though, and people notice "gee, her house looks like a magazine! I'm afraid to sit on the couch, what if I mess it up?! Can I wear shoes on the carpet?! Yikes!" That kind of thing. People are not comfortable there because they are worried about upsetting the neat-freak who acheives such cleanliness.
I want to be neither. I want to have a house clean enough that no one notices (that it is either too dirty or too clean). I want to accomplish this without my kids saying, "All my mom ever did was clean" I want people to be able to step into my house and feel at home. I think that would define success for me in that area.
Oh, and food that tempts my family to eat at home, together, instead of all off running around other places. My kids are too young for that yet, but I'm making it tradition now (has always been for us) so that maybe it always will be.
Wow, Bethany these are fantastic answers.
Living in Boonsville, I really don't have anyone to compare myself with and I have to say, it makes me much happier. The whole comparing thing is such a great tool for satan!
I think for me, it comes down to me seeking what God wants for me as a wife and continuously growing into that. Desiring to become a woman/wife/mother, after the heart of the One who loves me more than anything I will ever feel on earth...and knowing I am worthy of that love (even when I'm grouchy).
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