I received an e-mail from someone today asking me to do a blog about parenting a child whose weakness is laziness and inviting comments specifically from people who have parented a lazy child.
While our boys both have times of being lazy, they don't have a chronic problem with laziness. So, I feel a bit unqualified to throw out advice. I'll just share what immediately came to mind and then depend on those who have walked that road or are in the midst of it themselves to pick up my slack.
I try to make the punishment fit the crime and use natural consequences as often as possible. I suppose that what I'd do would depend a little on how the laziness was manifesting itself. I'd also try to define what the opposite of laziness was so that I could work on instilling that quality in my child. Perhaps the opposite of laziness is responsibility or diligence. Maybe perseverance.
If the child was lazy about keeping their room clean (dawdling during cleanup time, leaving stuff laying around instead of putting it away, etc), then I'd get rid of most of their belongings. If you don't care enough about your belongings, then you don't need to have them.
If the child was lazy about getting chores done, then they would not get to do anything until their chores were completed. At our house no one gets breakfast until they are dressed, their bed are made, and their chores are done. I give a 15 minute window after breakfast is served for them to get stuff done. If they aren't at the table in 15 minutes, then they miss that meal. The responsible people do not have to wait for the lazy one to finish their chores and the lazy one doesn't get to drag breakfast out for hours.
If the child was lazy with schoolwork and was not putting forth their best effort, then they would redo the work until it was done to the best of their ability. I would not expect perfection, but I would expect an genuine attempt to do well.
Those are just a few practical examples off the top of my head. As a side note, I'd make sure that what appeared to be laziness was not a legitimate struggle with something. For example, I'd want to know the child being lazy in school was not struggling with numbers or dyslexia, that the child that dawdled in cleaning up their room wasn't genuinely overwhelmed by having too many toys, etc. Basically, I'd make sure I wasn't setting the kid up for failure in the first place.
I'd talk with the child about it outside of a specific lazy moment. I would ask some open-ended questions without any right or wrong answers. My goal would be to understand where they're coming from and to help them think through their choices. Perhaps their answers would help you better understand how to help them.
Possible questions:
* How would you define laziness?
* What do you think the natural consequences for laziness are (both for yourself and for others)?
* What is the opposite of laziness?
* What are the natural consequences of that trait?
* What makes it hard for you to get motivated in (name specific area they're lazy in)?
I'd also spend time praying for the child to overcome their laziness. The final thing that comes to mind would be to work together to find out what the Bible says about laziness and about diligence, hard work, perseverance, etc. Maybe look up verses and write them out together. Make it a team effort, not a punishment.
Ultimately, the child has to have a change of heart. You can't force that. You can, however, help them to see the bigger picture of how laziness will influence them, both now and in the future, and those around them, both now and in the future.
So, that is my totally inexperienced opinion. For the record, these are all the things I'd aim to do. In reality, I'd probably have a few psycho-mom moments of complete discouragement and total frustration. But you already knew that.
Now, those of you who have some experience, and especially those with some success, please give the person who e-mailed me the comments that she's hoping to get from you.
5 comments:
From a forum friend -
I would suggest that she read the book by Mel Levine, The Myth of Laziness. Additionally, she may want to have her child evaluated for ADD or ADHD, which can look a lot like laziness.
From a second forum friend -
I always consider myself to be lazy, and my mom always called me lazy, but looking back, I really wasn't.
Unmotivated to do the mundane things in life, maybe, but show me an impressive job, and I'll do it.
Does the kid *ever* do anything difficult or un-lazy? Under what circumstances? Is there any way to recreate those circumstances?
Lazy and fat are things I would really rather never call my kids. Those could possibly become self-fulfilling prophecies.
And another forum friend -
I don't think "lazy" is a suitable description of a child. There could be lots of things going on from health and poor nutrition to learning disabilities. The child could have had too little practice in obeying the first time he is asked and needs obedience training (see deborahhage.com article on Going to Your Room). He could have too many distractions such as video games. Is he lazy about everything or just about doing certain things the mom wants done?
I don't think lazy is a helpful designation for anyone. Some people take advantage of advantages, such as someone else will do their share of the work if they don't. They need some real life consequences. Others lack confidence or are afraid to try.
My friend called her husband lazy because he went a year between jobs, but he is a person who is very afraid of changes. When he finally got a job he worked hard at it. She did disconnect the air conditioning as she doesn't mind warm and he loves to be cool, so he wouldn't enjoy sitting home all day.
Some people are unmotivated and need inspiration and hope, maybe someone to work along side them and show them the satisfaction of completing a job. W
hat kind of lazy are you thinking of? I don't doubt that some people, children or adults, appear lazy. I just think if we are interested in helping them we have to look deeper to see what is going on.
And yet another one -
Just popping in to say that I will always perceive myself as "lazy" because that is what Mom called me.
I had straight A's all they way through ps and college. I played the saxophone, clarinet and piano all the way through, including private lessons on 2 instruments and both classical and jazz piano lessons for a couple of years. I was on varsity tennis and swimming, marching band and jazz band. I worked part time. I was my high school class Valedictorian. I was voted Brain Child and Most Likely to Succeed by my classmates, yet I "only did enough to get an A" and "think what you could accomplish if you practiced the piano 2 hours/day like Henry/Tracey".
Good points, and very interesting comments. Thanks for sharing!
~Luke
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