BOOKS I FINISHED - JANUARY 2011

The Hand of God: A Journey from Death to Life by the Abortion Doctor Who Changed His Mind, by Bernard N. Nathanson, M.D.
Jess mentioned this book on her blog a while back and I thought it sounded interesting. I am most definitely anti-abortion, but am equally not anti-person-who-got-an-abortion. The vast majority of girls and women who choose to abort do so because they truly believe they have no other option or that an abortion is their best option. I think that would be a really hard place to be in and do not think less of someone who made that choice. So, while I was interested in this book, I was afraid it may be harsh toward women who have had abortions. It wasn't. Not in the least.

Nathanson, who is Jewish, weaves his story of being agnostic and then becoming a Christian into the story of his life in the medical field, specifically as a successful and respected abortionist. Truly the two, his spirtual journey and career, are so intertwined that he couldn't share the story one without including the other.

p. 130, The crux of the issue as defined by most pro-abortion theorists is whether the embryo, or later fetus, is to be considered a "person". It is crucial for them to move the debate onto that ground because there is simply no doubt that even the early embryo is a human being. All its genetic coding and all its features are indisputably human. As to being, there is no doubt that it exists, is alive, is self-directed, and is not the same being as the mother - and is therefore a unified whole.

Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both, by Laura Sessions Stepp
I can't remember where I heard about this book, but it was interesting. Not particularly shocking and often sad, but still interesting. Using the personal stories of young women who chose "hooking up" over traditional dating relationships, Stepp talks about the definition of hooking up, the motivation and expected benefits of it, the way that parents influence the lifestyle, and the consequences (physical, emotional, and in future relationships) of a culture that encourages & expects physical relationships without commitment.

p.195-196 Cleo summed up her parents' generosity this way: "We've have had everything handed to us."

Indeed, many in their generation have. They are spectacular specimens raised in glass houses that are temperature-controlled and as disease-free as humanly possible. / When young they are bathed in antibacterial soup and showered with educational toys. When they go to school and appear to be failing a course, their teacher may be asked to reevaluate his or her grading policy. If their mind wanders, they're taken to doctors who prescribe Adderall, and if they have trouble sitting still, Ritalin. Schools lay cushioned rubber on outdoor playgrounds so kids won't skin their knees when they fall and remove soda and snack machines because too many are getting obese. Principals cancel classes at the first threat of snow because they fear parents would sue if there was an accident on the way to school, and of course if the buses can't run, kids would - God forbid - have to find some other way to get to school.

Their opportunities for learning how to be responsible for their own wants are few. /

They are, in short, the heroines of their parents' lives before they ever get to college, and once in college, they have no reason to believe that will change. / They have learned little about taking risks, making tough choices, attending to others' needs or weathering disappointment on their own - in short, some of the tools they will need to forge strong, intimate bonds and forgo connections that are not good for them.

p.238 Girls and young women know they can dodge the pregnancy bullet by sticking to blow jobs, but an alarming number of them, especially high school girls, think that will protect them from infections as well.

The pregnancy rate among girls ages fifteen to nineteen has decreased by about one-third since 1990, a large proportion of that decrease among black girls. The abortion rate as dropped as well. But the incidence sexually transmitted disease (STD) remains stubbornly high - higher, in fact, in the United States that in any other developing country.

Although only slightly more than one in ten women report having an STD, almost nineteen million new cases, including HIV cases, are reported each year. And although fifteen to twenty-four-year-olds represent only one-quarter of sexually active Americans, they make up nearly half of these new cases.

p.241 So there the young woman is, avoiding real relationships because they consume time, energy and emotions, and discovering to her surprise that hookups take just as much. Doubt becomes her constant companion, forcing her to ruminate on what she should have done. The most difficult, dissonant moment may come when a girl understands that by trying to take control, she has simply done to herself what she meant to prevent boys from doing to her.

p. 252 One out of five girls in college will be raped on campus, according to a Justice Department study. Between 85-90% of the assailants are known to the victim.

2007 Letters to Mothers & Daughters - The whole letter was great!


How to Get Along With Difficult People, by Florence Littauer
Several people on the Sonlight forums and in other places have recommended a book called Personality Plus. I tried to find it at the library, but it doesn't exist in my county. So, I opted for another book by the same author.

p.80 And Jesus said, "With God all things are possible." Not guaranteed or even probable, but possible.

p.105, Let's look at Paul's approach to a difficult situation. Compliments - Concern - Congratulations - Compromise - Choice - Challenge - Confidence - Conclusion

p. 113-114, As Christians we like to call our observations of the negative in other people a "discerning spirit, a true gift from the Lord." If you really are a designated discerner, God won't let your talent go unnoticed. He will send people in need to your door, inspire you to write positive passages, and place you on Oprah.

If these adventures haven't come to you, perhaps your ability to judge is not a spiritual gift, and you might try to make the giving of compliments a new goal in your life.

p. 116, A home with no compliments is not a happy place, and it's up to the parents to set the tone.

p. 144 Ask yourself today, in your human relationships: Are you looking for other people to fill your needs, to give you approval?

If you are, you will never be happy and you might be thought of as a difficult person. To get along with others, we have to ask ourselves:

* What is their need?
* How can I fill it?

** This post contains affiliate links and I'm grateful when people use them. **

A NICE WEEKEND & AN EARLY MONDAY

Saturday morning I worked on some stuff around the house and busted out a menu and grocery list. Saturday afternoon I visited with friends and ate yummy food at a beautiful baby shower. Saturday evening I spent a few hours visiting with Pam. Saturday night I shut down the computer. It was a fun and productive day.

Sunday morning we went to church. Sunday afternoon I took a 3.5 hour nap. I can't take naps unless I'm sick, preggo, or incredibly exhausted. I was incredibly exhausted. Sunday evening we ran some errands and went to Cold Stone for dinner. Sunday evening I packed a Moffit Box and read in bed. With the exception of printing out some coupons, the computer stayed off for the whole day. No BFM or Trading Post stuff, no e-mails or Facebook messages, no forums. Just a day free of the screen. It was a relaxing day.

Today I woke up at 5:15 and was on the road by 5:25 for an early morning grocery shopping trip. I'd planned on going this evening, but Tim was going to work late today and I made a last minute decision to go this morning instead. I'd rather have a ridiculously early morning and mellow evening than a normal morning and busy evening.

Needless to say, I'm a little sleepy from my pre-dawn shopping trip, but we're on track for school and I'll be catching up on internet stuff over the rest of the day. Last week was way too busy, so mellow and fun weekend was perfect!

MY MOM'S MEMORIAL SERVICE

My dad gave me a recording of my mom's memorial service several years ago. However, due to the fact the service happened in 1992, the recording is on cassette tape. Not very practical in 2011.

About a week ago I asked Larry, someone who is far more techy than I'll ever be and knows about sound equipment, if knew how to transfer cassettes to CDs. He did, but didn't have the right equipment. He asked Tim (not my Tim), someone who is a sound guru, about it and Tim offered to do it for me. Two days ago I was given my cassette back, along with an audio CD and an MP3 disc. How awesome is that?!

That night I listened to my mom's memorial service for the first time in 19 years, listening to some of those who knew her best share the things they admired about her, funny memories from the past, and how grateful they were to have known her. As I Skyped with Beep that night she asked if it made me happy or sad. I told her a little of both - it's neat to hear the voices of everyone who sang and spoke, but it's also my mom's memorial service. It was bittersweet.

Thanks to some late night help from David, via Facebook, I was able to get the MP3 file on my computer and tonight I was able to get it uploaded in a format I can easily share. I realize it won't interest the vast majority of those who read my blog, but I thought I'd post it for those who knew my mom and may want to listen.

Without further ado, here's the memorial service.

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UPDATE: The site I used for linking an audio version of the memorial service is no longer in existence, but my dad added photos to the audio and posted the video on Youtube. You can listen to the service and see chronological photos of my mom's life here. And now back to the original post.

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In case you can't identify the voices (or talents), they are, in order of appearance -

* Nancy Myer (friend & pianist)
* Michelle Ostendorf (friend & pianist)
* David Shankle (our pastor at the time)
* Harold Keech (song leader from our church)
* Rick Stevens (a radio DJ we'd gotten to know & whose staff prayed for us regularly, singing "Welcome Home")
* Kathy Ward (friend & co-worker)
* Judy Zelmer Smith (friend & boss)
* Sandi Heitz (friend)
* John Dean (college friend who, along with his wife, were friends with my parents)
* Shirley Rettke (friend)
* Faye Jurisich (college friend)
* Dona (Shankle) Hamilton (friend who had been in the Sunday School class my mom taught, singing "Home Free")

I'm so thankful to Larry and Tim for doing the techy stuff that not only allowed me to hear the service again, but also gave me an opportunity to share it with a son-in-law and three grandkids my mom never knew.

And now I'm crying. Ugh.

1/27/11 THANKFUL THURSDAY

I'm thankful for the opportunity to get my thoughts on paper, so to speak, over the last few days, the encouragement and advice you all gave me here and on Facebook, and for the clarity and peace I'm beginning to feel about some things. I haven't had a chance to respond to each comment, but know that I've read and appreciate all of them.

What's something that you're thankful for?

THINGS ON MY MIND (3 OF 3) - HOUSING

Confession - Every time I glance at the title to these posts I see "THIGHS" instead of "THINGS". Makes me laugh every time.

Anyway, the third thing that is jumping around in my brain has to do with where we live. A little over a year ago, after turning down a long-awaited opportunity to buy the house we were renting, we decided to move into an apartment. The one and only reason we made the move was so that we could pay off Tim's school debt more quickly.

I knew I'd miss living in a house. I knew I'd miss having a quarter acre and a big garden.

I didn't know we'd have mold.

We spent nearly five years in a 60 year old house and the only mold we ever had was on the ceiling of a poorly ventilated bathroom. I can live with that. About seven months into apartment life, in a building that's probably 20 years old, we found mold growing in two of our closets. That was about a month ago. They cleaned and re-painted the moldy areas, but that's just a band-aid for the problem.

The moldy places are all exterior corners where the building sits in stagnant puddles when it rains. While cleaning up the mold isn't going to really solve the problem, it's not realistic to expect the walls to be gutted and rebuilt and the landscaping to be redone in a way that doesn't create huge pools of water throughout the complex. At least not in the near future. That's a massive project!

Anyway, we were asked to open the bedroom windows and/or periodically blow fans into the closets to keep them aired out. We shouldn't have to do that, but I'm willing to cooperate and followed their suggestions. I also made sure to leave a little gap around the edges of the closet to let air pass. Seems like a trivial thing, but our closets are stuffed and there isn't much wiggle room.

Three weeks later the mold was back. Ugh.

They cleaned it again and used a new paint that's supposed to be a mold inhibitor. That was last Friday. We'll see how it works. Meanwhile, two shelves that were in the boys room are now in our living room and half of their closet is totally empty because things were getting damp. So frustrating!

So, what do we do if this new paint doesn't work? I have no idea.

We're taking apartment life one year at a time, kinda like homeschooling and kids, but expected to be here at least two years. We wanted to be here long enough to make the cost and hassle of moving twice (in and out of the apartment) worthwhile. The thought of moving after a year does not excite me. Especially when I know how much our last move rocked school for us.

I'm having a very hard time with the fact that I can't send our kids outside to play, something we used to do almost daily, regardless of weather. We have some grass outside the back of our apartment, but it's swampy, often filled with dog poop, and unfenced (an issue only for Naomi). Our poor kids are bouncing off the walls, which also stresses me out because I don't want our noise level to be obnoxious for our neighbors. I'm constantly asking them to quiet down and chill out. Not fun for any of us. The inconveniences of apartment living are things I can deal with, but the lack of a yard is really, really hard for me.

We have bikes and scooters that got used once last summer. Once. We have to haul them from the back deck, through the house, and out the front door in order to use them. It's a hassle and so they don't get used, which means they're just wasting space. But I don't want to get rid of bikes. It's like accepting that we're trapped inside. Indefinitely.

If we have to move because of mold, then how do we know the next place won't have the same problem? Where do we move that's still conveniently located for work, doesn't have mold, allows the kids to be outside, and is still inexpensive enough to allow us to keep making bigger payments on Tim's school debt?

I hate debt. I hate, hate, hate it. Truly. I hope you guys are living within your means and teaching your kids to do the same. Please, please, pleeeease teach them that any debt they accumulate will affect their future families and lifestyles. I wish someone had explained that to Tim before he unnecessarily accepted every loan that was thrown at him. But they didn't and here we are. I'm not mad at him about it, but it's definitely a frustrating situation.

Anyway, debt's not the point of this post.

I don't necessarily want to move back to a house with a yard ... and no mold. Well, I do. A lot. And we could afford to. But we wouldn't make much progress on the debt. Plus, we gave away hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of stuff when we moved, much of which we'd need to replace if we returned to a house. I'm glad we were able to share that stuff, but I don't want to fork out the money to replace it so soon. Kinda counter-productive to the whole purpose of our move.

Maybe the new paint will work and we won't be forced to decide what to do so quickly. Maybe it won't. Then we have to decide whether to live longer in a moldy apartment with closets we can't use, pay for a move to another apartment and hope it doesn't have mold, pay for a move to a house and negate the progress we've made on Tim's debt, or ... I don't know.

I don't want to pay for another move. I don't want the hassle of another move. I don't want mold growing through my walls.

I do want to be able to use all the space in my home. I do want my kids to have the option of playing outside. I do want to make faster progress on getting out of debt.

Our lease goes through April. Guess we have a little time to figure things out. But if we're moving, then I have to start preparing for that pretty soon.

THINGS ON MY MIND (2 OF 3) - KIDS

All righty, here's the second thing that is constantly swirling around in my little brain these days. I don't hash this stuff out with anyone but Tim, so if you're one of those who asks the questions that shouldn't be asked, then this may be your only chance to hear what I'm thinking on the matter in an appropriate manner (meaning, me offering the info, not you asking for it).

We've never had a planned or desired number of kids for our family and we've never cared how kids joined our family. "One at a time" is the plan. (Yes, for you snarky folks, we'd be happy with multiples. The "one" can refer to children, pregnancies, or adoptions.)

I love that our boys are close enough in age to be playmates, a pair of siblings. I'd love for Naomi to be part of a similar pair and we opened ourselves up to that option. Technically it should have worked out. In actuality, it didn't. It makes no logical sense, but sometimes life is that way. Once the window of opportunity for a similar age spread was gone, then we just decided to sit tight.

We took foster parenting classes almost two years ago, then made a last minute decision to not turn in our application. I'm confident that was the right decision at that point in time, but our heart is still that all kids have a family, whether temporarily (foster) or permanently (adoption). We'd be happy to take in any child, but we're kinda drawn to the special needs kids. Some of those kids have physical problems, but many of them are considered special needs in the adoption world because no one wants them. They're often older kids (grade school through high school), boys, sibling groups that don't want to be separated, and minorities. Most of them have some behavioral issues caused by the circumstances that led them to be taken from their parents.

I know a lot of foster and adoptive parents. The general consensus, though there are exceptions that work out well, is to only take in kids that are younger than your youngest. This helps ensure the physical safety of your biological kids as the new member of your family works through the junk that life dealt them. It also prevents an upset of the birth order. There will be a change in family dynamics regardless of how and when a child joins a family, but upsetting the birth order can make that change a lot harder. I'd be totally comfortable taking in a kid between Naomi and Devon or younger than Naomi.

If I found out today that I was preggo, then I'd be delighted. Kids are great and we'd be happy. However, the farther away we get from the baby phase, the more I wonder if not conceiving a playmate for Naomi was the first step, though unintentional, toward fostering or adopting. It's given us time to let our kids get a little older, to possibly take in a non-baby child. The older our kids get, the more options we'd feel comfortable with as we considered who to add to our family.

Of course, it may just be that there's absolutely no explanation to Naomi's lack of "pair" status other than "it's life". I'm fine with that. I could get pregnant next week. We could end up taking in a newborn. Who knows? Time will tell.

I look at the Northwest Adoption Exchange site almost weekly and see foster kids who are ready for homes. I periodically check out Reece's Rainbow, an organization committed to placing kids with Down Syndrome into families before their governments permanently institutionalize them. I hear about Hannah's Hope, an Ethiopian orphanage connected to All God's Children International, being so low on diapers that they're re-using disposables and covering diapers with plastic bags. I hear the stats in foster classes about the number of kids needing to be placed compared to the number of certified homes. It all just breaks my heart and I don't know where we fit into the solution.

I often feel that our family isn't done growing. Then, of course, I think I'm crazy. After all, I'm the one who told you yesterday that I feel like I'm doing a lot of things, but none of them well. Then I think I'm selfish. Then I remember that motherhood is anything but selfish. Then I wonder why God's given me this strong desire to foster or adopt if the timing never seems right. Then I wonder if, ten years from now, I'll look back at this point and see how beautifully everything (whatever that is) worked out or if I'll still wonder how it's going to unfold. Then I wonder how far behind we'd be in school if I was parenting four kids, one who quite possibly would need to be taken to various appointments during the week. Then I wonder how I'd handle a kid with serious behavioral issues when my most challenging child often overwhelms me.

It makes my head hurt.

As I've felt at every point in parenting, I could happily live the rest of my life with the kids we have now. I could also live equally happy with more kids. I'm truly, honestly, content either way. Always have been.

But I can't stop looking at those sites. And I'd love for Naomi to share a room with someone and have a playmate when the boys are hanging out alone. So, while I'm content, I'm just not convinced there will only be 5 Ws. That doesn't even make sense, does it? I don't know how to explain it.

Kids need families. All kids need a family. And we're a family. Are we the family for the kids? Are we a family who supports the families taking in kids, whether financially, through respite care, or with practical things like clothes and bedding? How do we know? When is the timing right? I wish I knew.

Now, if I announce a pregnancy in a couple months, then don't you dare ask me if we were trying. That's none of your business and it makes no difference anyway. Plus, it's just rude. If we announce that we're adopting or fostering, then don't question my sanity. We wouldn't pursue it unless we felt confident about it and no agency would accept us unless we proved capable.

In other words, this is the one and only time I'm telling you that we have no idea why I didn't get pregnant in time to give Naomi a playmate, that I think about fostering and adopting non-stop, and that I feel simultaneously delighted and hesitant about adding another W to the mix.

THINGS ON MY MIND (1 OF 3) - HOMESCHOOLING

I've had three big things swirling in my mind for a few months now, so this week I'm just going to do a verbal vomit of that mental churning on my blog. Getting it out of my head and onto paper (or the screen, as the case may be) makes me feel better and often helps me see more clearly what the next step is. So, neither in order of importance nor with any promise of coherent writing, here's what's been on my mind.

We homeschool. We aren't "homeschool or die" and, as evidenced by Tim's employer, don't think public school is the devil. Our policy is "one kid and one year at a time". The early years matter most to me for homeschooling, but I don't really know when I think those early years end. Homeschooling wasn't on Tim's radar before we met, but he's supportive of my desire to do it and has basically left the decision up to me, as I'm the one the responsibility falls on.

These days I don't like homeschooling at all. While it is easier now that Naomi's older, I feel like I'm doing a lot of things ... and none of them well. The boys, who have always done a large part of their work independently, are doing too much on their own lately. I miss doing more of their school with them, but I can't do the ideal amount with each of them and spend time with Naomi.

I seriously considered putting one of our boys in public this year. I know he'd have been fine and it would have given me more time with the other two kids. Of course, like with any change, we'd have exchanged one set of problems and struggles for a new set, but it was worth considering. In the end, the pros didn't outweigh the cons. I'm sure of that, though it could work out differently another year.

We're behind. Only a week or two, but we just can't get caught up. I realize a perk of homeschooling is the ability to set your own schedule, but I really like ending our year when public school does.

We do school all year. Well, we used to do school all year. We did three weeks on, then one week off, with an extra week off in June and December. That morphed into as many days on as we could crank out, then as much time off as we needed. Loved it! Never got burned out. Never felt behind. Had tons of flexibility.

Then we moved. We took a couple weeks off before and after the move, then had a hard time getting back into the swing of things. We managed to finish up the year, but didn't do any school over the summer. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. While it was nice to have that time off, we are suffering through the nine months of the traditional school year.

I. hate. it! Never, never, never again will we take the summer off. It is not worth it for our family. The pressure of getting done mid-June without any extra flexibility weighs on me. Yes, we could bump the year out, but I don't want to. We like starting our new year in July, as doing school during the summer (and we do a more flexible routine then) is much easier when you've got a stack of brand new books. Practically it makes no difference, but mentally it's a lot easier.

Silas, by law, has to be tested before August. On one hand it will be nice to know exactly where he's at academically. On the other hand the fear of failure nags me. I just need to get the test scheduled. Maybe I wouldn't feel so pressured if I knew he was on track. Or I'd discover he has big gaps and feel more pressure. Ugh.

We started off the year combining the boys in everything but math & language arts. I thought that would ease my load, but it just didn't work out logistically. So, they're separated again, which is good. Combining was worth trying and confirmed that being separate was the best option.

We started off the year with a new spelling program. Though many friends love it, it couldn't possibly have been a worse fit for us. Now we have a new program that we really like. Except we rarely get around to doing it.

I do, generally speaking, like homeschooling. I do believe it was the right choice for our family this year. I do think that taking the summer off was absolutely the stupidest homeschooling decision I've ever made.

Homeschooling has become, at least in my mind, something I have to do each day, not something I get to do. Does that mean it's time for a change? Does that mean I need a lesson in perseverance? I don't know.

I know that one of our boys needs to be home for now. I don't know if homeschooling is coming to an end for the other boy. I'm guessing we'll probably give it another year, starting in July so that I'm not chronically behind, and then, as usual, re-evaluate. I'm fairly confident that most of my dissatisfaction with this year is because we're following a traditional school year, so I'd like another shot at going all year. I just don't want to throw in the towel if the problems could be easily solved by getting back on a year round schedule.

We'll see.

Some days I fantasize about putting all the kids in public school and day care, spending an hour of uninterrupted time getting my "to do" list done, taking naps, reading lots of books, meeting Tim for lunch, and going for walks whenever I feel like it. Homeschoolers don't get to do that. True, there are other perks that parents who send their kids to school don't get, but I'm currently battling a case of "the grass is greener". At least I'm aware of the rose-colored glasses I'm wearing and know that neither option is all good or all bad. That must count for something. Right?