BOOKS I FINISHED - MARCH 2010

Wow! I read ten books this month. I don't remember the last time I've read that many! I think these are in the order I read them, but it doesn't really matter. Also, I've decided to go back to not including books we've read for school, so you won't see any of those listed. These are just books I read for myself.

For the Sins of My Father: A Mafia Killer, His Son, and the Legacy of a Mob Life, by Albert DeMeo
This was a random book I pulled off the shelf during my "power hour" at the beginning of the month. I found it fascinating because it's such a different world than anything I've been exposed to. The author is about my age and was raised by a father who was majorly involved with the Mafia in New York.

What intrigued me the most was how little the family (the biological one, not "the family" of the mafia) knew about the father's activities. The author's sisters basically knew nothing until a while after their father died. The author himself knew quite a bit, as his dad had involved him in much of the business end of things at a young age. However, even he had no idea what a violent man his dad was "on the job", a totally different person than he was at home, until after his father's death. Just a cool story of a boy's introduction to the mafia, the choice he has to make about whether to stay involved or to move on, and the price he pays for his decision.
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The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands, by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
I've heard of Dr. Laura, but I'd neither listened to her radio programs nor read any of her books before I snagged this one off the shelf. I love her "no nonsense" approach! Even when I disagree with someone, I really appreciate it when they just cut to the chase. That's exactly what she does. I'd definitely recommend this book to any married woman. If you agree with a point she makes, then be thankful for the reminder of its importance. If you disagree, then really question why. Is it because you truly think it's morally wrong or do you just want your life to be all about your comfort and happiness? Be willing to be challenged!

Some of the points that stood out the most to me were remembering that your husband is not a girlfriend (don't expect him to want to chat endlessly about and over analyze every little thing in life), making your marriage a priority (don't let your kids, jobs, hobbies, and other commitments take precedence over your marriage), meeting your husband's need for appreciation, approval, and affection, putting him on a manly pedestal (appreciating and acknowledging the gender differences and the ways that his manliness blesses your life), and not being negative about stuff.

p. 56, (on choosing the attitude you'll have toward your spouse & your marriage) A grandfather was talking to his grandson. "Grandson," he said, " there are two wolves living in my heart and they are at war with each other. One is vicious and cruel, the other is wise and kind." "Grandfather," said the alarmed grandson, "which one will win?" "The one I feed," said the grandfather.
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p. 57, (on doing the right thing even when you don't want to or when it's hard) Obligations and responsibilities are usually not discomfort-free zones. That's part of what makes rising to those occasions such an extraordinary measure of character and love.

p.96, (someone she quoted on talking your husband's ear off about every little detail of life) "I mean, really would you want to listen if they were telling you every detailed play that took place in a football game they'd seen? I certainly would be bored silly if my husband did that. He can tell me his favorite team won and he can even tell me a great play that was in the game, but any more than that, I would for sure start to zone out." ... This is probably one of the most difficult concepts for wives to accept: that they should cut down on the communication as a way to improve it. Somehow, wives have come to believe that with respect to communication, more is better. Wrong. More appropriately selected and timed is better.".
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Sick Girl, by Amy Silverstein
An inside look at the life of a woman who received a heart transplant at 25 years old. She was given a ten year life expectancy after her transplant, but at the time of publishing she was 19 years post-surgery. Amazing! She shares the journey of discovering her heart problems, the choices she had to make concerning treatment, the relationship she has with a her husband (they started dating just before her heart problems started), and how she often resents her successful transplant. While not a downer of a book at all, she's pretty transparent about the things that have made her unhappy during the course of her life as a transplant patient. She's genuine, getting past the fake "I'm fine, life is good, transplants are a blessing" facade that may transplant patients would feel forced to show most of the time.

p.165, (on discovering many years into this journey that her husband had been quite scared at certain points) I had always thought that love was all about communication and openness. But Scott had been showing me all along that the greatest love can sometimes exist in silence: in the pauses where one person chooses to carry a heavy burden alone, quietly and without resentment.

p.217 (on not sharing all the details and concerns of her health with her son, though it applies in many other areas) The best mothers are the ones who know when to hold a thought.

The Choice, by Nicholas Sparks

I hadn't read one of this author's books in a while and I enjoyed this one. It was a bit of brain candy, a little fluff, for me after reading a few heavier books before it.

The Christmas List, by Richard Paul Evans

Loved this book! Quick and easy read about a wealthy, selfish, well-known businessman who discovers his obituary in the newspaper. Upon discovering the reaction to his alleged death, he decides to make some serious changes in his business and personal life. Wonderful reminder that the things we do will impact others - positively or negatively, in small ways or life-changing ways. I think it's good for all of us to periodically stop and consider what kind of legacy we'd leave behind if we were to drop dead today. Would our life have been a blessing or a burden to others?

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p. 72, (on things people say on blogs or websites under the cowardly cover of anonymity) The Internet is the bathroom stall of media.

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p. 296, The things that are the most necessary, the most critical to us, are the things we take most for granted. Air. Water. Love. If you have someone to love, you are lucky. If they love you back, you are blessed. And if you waste the time you have to love them, you're a fool.
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The Hope of Refuge, by Cindy Woodsmall 
I wasn't crazy about the way this story was written. It almost seemed like it was done as a high school writing project. Just a bit choppy or something. I'm no editor though, so it's all good if you think she's the greatest author ever. The story line (a woman in trouble who seeks safety in an Amish community) was fine and it wasn't torture to read, but I doubt I'll read other books from this author.

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p. 322, (on people being judged by their appearance) "It's not about what's on her face that makes people whisper or the men avoid her. It's about what's in their own hearts.

.Live Through This: A Mother's Memoir of Runaway Daughters and Reclaimed Love, by Debra Gwartney
The author shares the story of her struggle with daughters who rebelled after some major changes in their family, what it was like to not know where her girls were or if they were alive, the way her other daughters were impacted by the runaways, and how the story ended for their family. Interesting, but a little long.
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The New Woman: A Staggerford Novel, by Jon Hassler
Enjoyed this book! Endearing characters, quick read, will definitely check out more books by the author. Another "fluff" book for the month to keep things balanced. I think the characters in this book were also used in a series he wrote. I'll have to look into that.
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First Things First: The Rules of Being a Warner, by Kurt & Brenda Warner
I'm not into football at all and didn't even know who Kurt Warner played for before reading this, but I always enjoy a glimpse into people's lives. Plus, I love any biography (this isn't technically one, but it talks all about their lives) with photos included ... and this one has lots! The way this book was written, each chapter starting with Kurt's views on the subject and finishing with Debra's, was cool. While their experiences have been different from ours and no two families do things the exact same way, I felt myself nodding along to several of the ways they view life, particularly their approaches to parenting. Comical at times, always practical, and easy read.

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p. 80, (on letting your kids take risks) It helps me realize that sometimes when I'm too protective, I actually hold my kids back from achieving their potential. Sometimes, achieving your best means you fall, get hurt, or get benched on the way to greatness; but you still pick yourself up and give it your best the next time. That's what true greatness is.

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p. 93, (on teaching independence ... and something I wish every child-centered home would take into consideration) It's interesting to compare our routine, with seven kids, to the routines of other parents with only one or two kids. Occasionally I'll call a girlfriend, and she'll say something like, "Can I call you back in twenty minutes? I'm putting Suzy down for bed, and she needs me to read to her, rock her, rub her back, and sing a special song to her before she'll go to sleep." Then, before she hangs up, she'll complain about doing that whole routine. But I'm thinking, "You've trained her to need this."

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I've learned that we teach people how to treat us. So if little Suzy really needs twenty minutes of hands-on personalized attention just to take a nap, it's because she's been taught to need it. And it's fine if that's what Suzy's mom wants to do, but then she shouldn't complain that it exhausts her or that she doesn't have enough time. She did it to herself.

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Chapter 14: nothing but the best for my wife - Brenda's portion of this chapter cracked me up!
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I Love It When You Talk Retro: Hoochie Coochie, Double Whammy, Drop a Dime, and the Forgotten Origins of American Speech, by Ralph Keyes
This was another totally random selection off an endcap at the library. I read it in little snippets over the month. Loved it! I'll probably buy a copy for our family, as I think it's an excellent way to chalk up some time for English and History credit.
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THE BOOK I BAILED ON
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I Love You Like A Tomato, by Marie Giordano

I committed to reading the first fifty pages and it was painful. I just could not get into this book. At all. I have a hard time with books that say something in a foreign language in almost every paragraph. It's just too hard to read along. So, I applied my "fifty page chance" rule, then took it back to the library. Has anyone read and enjoyed it? Did it become amazingly good on page 51?

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WE HAVE A MOVING DATE!

We're going to move out on 5/1. We've given notice to our landlord. I've contacted the elementary school in Wilsonville to get a jump on having Devon's speech therapy ready when we move. It's really happening.

I'll give another request for help when the date gets a little closer, but I'll put a bug in your ear about it now. In Beaverton, we'll be loading our home in one truck and my grandma's apartment (she just lives a couple blocks away) in another one. Ideally, we'll have two teams working at the same time, one at each home. In Wilsonville, we'll be unloading both trucks at the same apartment complex.

We'll be thankful for any help, as we're going to have a lot of work to get done that day. If you want to help load for an hour in the morning, help my grandma get her kitchen put away, keep the Nomes for a few hours, meet us in Wilsonville for the unloading, or hang out for the whole ordeal, then please let us know and we'll put your name on a list of helpers. We'll provide lunch of some sort for anyone who helps out on both ends of the move.

MONEY FOR THE OFFSPRING

Yesterday's little blurb about Devon's gift of a dollar to me prompted this post.

Tim and I both grew up without an allowance. We both worked through high school and I did odd jobs before then. I always thought my parents' reasoning for not having an allowance was that you do chores because you're part of a family, not to get paid. In hindsight and because my younger step-sister got an allowance, I'm thinking it may have had more to do with simply not having extra money to budget for allowances.

Given our history, Tim and I weren't planning on giving allowances to our kids. However, it's really important to us that our kids learn to manage money wisely. We talk openly about finances (learning bargain shopping lingo, seeing the long-term consequences for yourself and your family of taking out student loans, and hearing the importance of living within, or below, your means), but we knew they needed some experience of their own.

Here's the plan we came up with. Starting on the month after a child turns four years old, they get paid when we do (monthly). They are paid twice their age in dollars and have to budget it out in tithing, saving, giving, and spending. This is how it plays out at our house.

Payday - We call it "payday" with our kids because that's what we call it for us. Pretty straightforward. We explain to the kids on their first payday that we are paying them because they're contributing members of the household, just like Tim and I, and because we want them to learn to manage money wisely under our supervision. Every few months we'll ask them to tell us why they get money, just to be sure they remember and understand.

Age - We chose four years old because we wanted our kids to be young enough to have several years of managing money under our supervision before they're on their own, yet old enough to grasp the value of money and the reasons for why and how they're given the budget they have. It seems silly to us to pay a two year old. They simply can't grasp the full picture of money. Yet, waiting til a child is in middle school seems equally silly. Starting to teach about money when they're in the prime kick-off years for peer pressure, shopping with friends, and so on seems like a bit of a late start.

Amount - Our goal is not for our kids to have a ton of cash, but we want them to have enough to learn lessons and have fun. Twice their age in dollars does the job. Any money they receive as a gift does not have to be budgeted. It simply goes toward their spending budget. As a sidenote, I think it's ridiculous to make kids budget out gift money. After all, I don't see parents rationing out any other type of gift. A gift is intended to be enjoyed in full.

Envelopes - All money is kept in envelopes, one per budget category. I've been using envelopes since high school and it makes living within your budget pretty easy.

Budget - Tim and I set the amounts in such a way that the kids can have fun, while still learning some important lessons about life. As the kids get older, perhaps when they start working outside the home, and as they prove to be responsible with what they already have, then we'll give them more freedom to set their own budgets.

Cash - I withdraw the exact bills & coins that they'll need in order to put the right amount in each envelope. The amount stays the same for a year, so I just keep the list in my checkbook instead of figuring it out each month.

Math - Each kid lays their envelopes out and I give them a pile of money. At four I tell them how many of each bill and coin go into each envelope and they find the right ones. At five I tell them the dollar amount and they figure out the bills and coins. At six they learn how to figure out the percentages, then figure out the bills and coins. They stack everything on the appropriate envelopes, then I check to make sure the amounts are right before the money gets put in the envelopes.

Tithe - We want the Lord to always be first in their lives, so this is always the first envelope the kids have to put money in. The kids just bring their tithe envelope to church and empty it there, then bring it back home. We set this amount at 10% and have the following verses written on the tithe envelopes.

Deuteronomy 14:22 Be sure to set aside a tenth of all that your fields produce each year.

Deuteronomy 16:17 Each of you must bring a gift in proportion to the way the Lord your God has blessed you.

Save - We want our kids to think of the future and plan ahead, so this is always the second envelope they fill. Every few months they take this envelope to the bank and make a deposit in their savings account. They are required to fill out the deposit slip and add the amount in their register. We set this amount at 20% and have the following verse on the envelope.

Proverbs 6:6,8 Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise. It stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.

Give - Our desire is that our kids will be people who think past themselves and make others a priority, so this is the third envelope they take care of. This money can be spent however they wish, as long as it's blessing others. Sometimes they give cash, other times they buy a gift (Dollar Tree is great for this!), or mail a card. We set this amount at 20% and have the following verses on the envelope.

2 Corinthians 9:7 God loves a cheerful giver.

Acts 20:35 It is more blessed to give than to receive.

Spend - Needless to say, we all like to have some money to spend however we wish. Later on they'll have more financial responsibilities (gas, car insurance, clothing, etc) and won't have so much money to blow, but for now we set this percentage at a high 50%. No verses to back that one up, but we're ok with that.

Chores - Payday has no relation to chores at our house. If you want breakfast, then you have to have your chores done. Money has nothing to do with it. Payday happens simply because you're a member of the family. However, when the kids break something that doesn't belong to them, then they pay for it to be fixed or replaced out of their spending money.

End - We haven't decided how long we'll do paydays. No matter what our cutoff year is, we've still got a ways to go. My guess is that it will be 14 (you can get a worker's permit then), 16 (assuming you've earned the privilege of driving, then you could get to a job site without having to factor in our schedule for transportation), or somewhere around there. By that time wise money choices will be second nature for the kids anyway. Plus they'll be wanting more money than our "twice your age in dollars" amount will give them and will need to be employed to get that cash.

I think that just about covers it. It's so fun to see your kids delight in spending from their giving budget, learn how to do bank transactions, and understand what it means to live within your means.

I just want to add that there's not a right or wrong way to deal with money and kids. Well, giving them everything they want, setting an example of foolish money management, and/or not teaching them anything at all about money management seems pretty "wrong" to me, but I don't think there is one particular "right" method to this aspect of parenting. This is simply what works for us. Just thought I'd share it in case it could help other parents who are trying to figure out how to deal with the issue in their own family.

Update - After 4 1/2 years of paper envelopes, we switched to fabric ones.  You can read about why we made that decision here and see all our finished bags here.  It turns out that lots of other people thought fabric envelopes were a good idea and Heidi's been cranking them out ever since. You can skim her blog to see a wide variety of envelopes she's made for people.  She does great work and will use the fabric and labels of your choice, so I'd encourage you to head her direction if paper envelopes don't work well for you. 

WHAT DO THESE THINGS HAVE IN COMMON?

Nothing! Well, other than being on my mind, that is.
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Cups - Ok, this is totally random, but people often chuckle when I explain about cups around our house. So, I'll share the method to my madness. We each use one cup for the whole day, just refilling as needed. We never used sippy cups and have several kid cups like the ones below instead. Want to take a guess at which cup belongs to which kid?

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All right, I'll tell you. The two orange cups are for the boys, same color for the same gender. The dark cup is for the dark boy and the light cup is for the light boy. The turquoise cup is for Naomi, different color for a different gender. This system make it easy to mindlessly remember which kid is drinking out of which cup. The colors change from day to day, but the boys always use two shades of the same color and Naomi uses a different color.
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Meconium - Do you know what that is? It's the sticky, tar-like poop that a newborn has for the first few days of life. The midwife I had during my pregnancy with Silas gave me a tip on how to deal with that nasty stuff. I assumed it was general info shared with all preggos, but only a couple people I've mentioned it too had ever heard of it. Maybe that's the difference between my hippy midwives (and I use that term with respect because they were ... and it was awesome!) and the more traditional route of docs and hospitals. So, if you're preggo and don't have any hippies in your life, then let me share this nugget of wisdom. Ready?

Olive oil. That's it. You just need to keep some handy for diaper changes. Before the first diaper goes on the baby you'll need to smear some oil all over it's bottom and groin (in case the poop spreads). Then when the first meconium diaper comes along, it will all wipe off easily and you can oil the baby up again. If you forget or if you miss a spot, then you'll realize just how sticky that meconium is!

You know the little travel bottles you can buy for shampoo, etc.? We just put some olive oil in one of those and kept it by the diapers. Easy peasy. You could actually use olive, vegetable or baby oil. I don't suppose it really matters. Just get some oil on that little bum and keep it there until the meconium diapers have ended.

Funny story. After Naomi was born the midwives (we've had different ones with each kid, totally beyond our control) were getting the two of us cleaned up. When it came time to put a diaper on her, one of the assistants turned to Tim and started to say something. Then she started laughing because he was standing behind her with some olive oil, the very thing she was about to ask him to get. Ok, so that's not really funny, but they were impressed that he already knew that little trick.

Bookmark - I love my new bookmark and I'll tell you why. Devon gave it to me. That's why! Actually, he likes to be sneaky. He came to me one day and, with a smirk on his face, asked if I'd looked under my pillow the night before. I hadn't. That's not really something I do before falling asleep. So he told me to check that night when I went to bed. As you can guess, I found this dollar bill under my pillow. A little gift from my favorite five year old. I'm using it as a bookmark so I'll see it each day and remember (because sometimes I need the reminder) what a blessing my kids are.
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Allergies - My allergies kicked in this week. They won't get really bad for a while, but I've definitely had some itchy eyes, ears, and throat and done my share of sneezing over the last few days. The start of allergies each year always reminds me of a book we had when I was a kid. It's called Robert the Rose Horse and is about a horse with allergies. Have you ever read it? I still have my childhood copy, copyright 1962 and have read it to the kids a few times. They love it. Anyway, that's random too, but I thought of the book as I was clawing my eyes and sneezing to death after mowing the lawn yesterday.

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Reality - Tim has been home for the last 10 days and we've been off of school. We've had fun days, mellow days, and insanely busy days. Tomorrow morning he heads back to work and we dive into week 29 of school. We have eight weeks of school to complete this year and twelve weeks to get it done in. Lovely!

A COUPLE GREAT DAYS

Silas was gone from 8am - 7pm yesterday. The other two kids went down for naps at 1:00 and Tim took off for an overnighter at his extra parents' house shortly after that. Having stayed up til 2am on Wednesday night to finish a book, I was pretty tired. With one kid and husband gone and two other kids sleeping, I decided to try napping. I konked out immediately and slept for almost three hours!

I figured that Devon, Naomi & I were due for a little splurge, so we got Garlic Jims for dinner. Yum! Then we picked up Granny and headed out to get Silas. All three kids hit the sack when we got home, then I took a scalding hot shower and crawled into bed with a book. Read the first chapter, then turned out the lights and enjoyed having the bed all to myself. I realize some of you have a hard time sleeping without your spouse in bed with you, but I consider a bed to myself a luxury and relish the few nights a year that I get one.

This morning was pretty routine. Then Tim came home, picked up all three kids, and took off for the rest of the day. I had some stuff I wanted to get done during my uninterrupted time at home, so I did a few things around the house, then picked up Granny. She & I spent three hours running errands, shopping for Easter basket stuff, and trying out Peachwave, the new, self-serve frozen yogurt place down the road. It was so nice to just hang out with her without parenting or watching the clock! And the yogurt was fantastic. I highly recommend the place! There are only a few locations around the country and you can find them here.

After I dropped Granny off at her house I went home and promptly crawled under the covers. I spent the remaining three hours of my alone time finishing the book I'd started last night and reading some magazines I hadn't had a chance to look at.

Tim and the kids came home, the kids went straight to bed (they skipped naps today, so 8:00 came a little early), Tim washed dishes, I put them away, and I'm either going to read another book or watch a movie.

Oh, one more thing. I've had one brief, mild episode of chest tightness both yesterday and today. Major improvement!!

This was the perfectly mellow end to spring break. Love it.

3/25/10 THANKFUL THURSDAY

I'm thankful for an awesome library system.

What's one thing that you're thankful for?

I'M NOT DYING

A week or two ago I started having tightness in my chest. As I tend to fall into the "bodies are weird and most things will work themselves out" camp and because the tightness was sporadic and not very strong, I decided to ignore it. Over the last few days it's become more frequent and I was a little concerned. Last night it was the strongest it had ever been and lasted all evening. I got scared.

Hang on. Let's flash back to my teenage years for just a second. My mom died a month before turning 39. I was 15 and the oldest of three kids. Needless to say, my one real fear in life is that I'll die before my kids are raised. It's something I have to make a conscious effort to not obsess about it.

Ok, so back to last night. Tim was in the shower and I was in bed. Crying. I almost went to the ER. I was sure that I was going to have a heart attack and die during my sleep. The pain just wouldn't let up.

Now, you must know that I'm no wimp about pain (I'm a homebirther) and have only gone to the doctor once in the last ten years (I'm not counting routine annuals). Once, and it was because I had a raging case of strep throat. So, for me to consider going to the ER is a big deal.

I decided to just try relaxing until Tim got into bed and ended up falling asleep. I obviously lived through the night, but the tightness started up this morning. I called the doc and set up an appointment for the afternoon, then went to OMSI with the family.

The doc, who I've never seen before and immediately loved, asked me a gazillion questions, listened to my stomach, lungs, and heart, then did an echocardiogram. The results? My heart is fine!

You guys, I was a mess until the moment he told me it wasn't a cardio problem. Crying. Stressed. A total basket case. Tightness in the chest is scary no matter what, but when you're trying to outlive a mom who died in her thirties and you have three young kids it's even scarier. I'm not a fearful person (outside of being afraid I'll die when my kids are still at home), prone to worry, or a hypochondriac, but I was truly scared. When he said my heart seemed normal I almost started crying. I was so relieved!

So, the doc suspects I may have developed some reflux, one of the primary symptoms of which is chest tightness. (Wish I'd known that last night!) I'm going to try some medicine and see if the problem goes away. If so, then the problem is solved. If not, then we'll try another plan of attack.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting here right now with a really tight chest, but I have no anxiety. I'm not dying. Well, at least I'm not dying of a heart attack tonight.

Now let's just pray the medicine does what it should. While the chest pain is no longer scary, it's definitely getting annoying!