THANKFUL THURSDAY

I'm thankful that I not only have a vehicle, but that it has a working heater, two luxuries that keep me comfortable when I have to leave home on a cold day. What's something you're thankful for?

DEPRESSION AND A STUFFED RABBIT

This little stuffed rabbit sits on a shelf in my closet where I see it every day. I named it Caramel, both for its color and for the fact it came in an Easter basket filled with a variety of caramel candies. It was given to me by one friend, but it serves as a daily reminder of a small group of people who have supported me in various ways during a really long, really gnarly season of depression. 

I keep typing and deleting, trying to figure out what's worth sharing, whether for the sake of my own documentation or to encourage someone else in the trenches of their own depression. So this may be a bit rambling. Just like life.

Today I realized it's been exactly one year since I told someone I was looking into the possibility of starting an antidepressant. A whole year. I can't believe it's been that long.

I'd had three previous seasons of major depression as an adult. A friend who's seen my minor ups and downs over the years has asked me a handful of times if I need an antidepressant. I've thanked her for her concern each time, as sometimes we're blind to our own need for help, but assured her I knew what depression was like because of my past experiences and that what she was seeing was just an ordinary rough patch. 

I got depressed again a while ago. Obviously depressed. Really depressed. One day I realized all those times my friend had asked me about meds, as well as many other times, were, in fact, depression. They were mild, which is why I hadn't recognized them for what they were, but that meant I'd been battling depression for most of my adulthood. Feeling completely weary and totally hopeless, concerned about how the low points had been coming more frequently and lasting longer each time, I decided to get help. 

I was open to taking meds, but ended up going to counseling instead. I'm so thankful for that time. Several counseling sessions with my therapist later, armed with new insights and a variety of coping skills to use, I was feeling much better. There was still work to do, but I was starting to live and function in a way that was more sustainable.

I liken the choice to ease up on the pursuit of meds in favor of counseling to choosing not to take blood pressure medicine until you see what happens when you make dietary changes. I desperately wanted my head and heart to be in a good place, but I also didn't want to medicate something that I could, and should, fix by changing my behavior. It was the right decision and I still go through the flashcards I made of things I learned in counseling several times a week, as I want to continue being proactive in taking care of my mental health. 

Then, in the aftermath of a meltdown a few months ago, I made a decision that was simultaneously spontaneous and a long time coming. I started an antidepressant. It was the right decision and I'm thankful for emotional stability as I continue working on my own junk. Depression is completely exhausting and this season of chemically-induced respite has been such a gift. 

The plan is to wean off at a predetermined point in time and see what happens. If I'm one who just needed some help to get over the last hump of a season of depression, which is the approach I'm taking, then I'll be done and move on with new habits that I've developed (or, more accurately, am developing). But if it becomes clear that I'm one who needs long-term help with keeping my head and heart in a good place, then I'll be grateful for medication that does the job and continue taking it. 

So, back to Caramel and the people that stuffed rabbit represents. 

Questions about how I was feeling. Prayers. Hugs. Reminders not to isolate. Treats and notes of encouragement at church. Kindness when I took extended breaks from church. Listening to my verbal processing. Happy mail. Questions about how counseling was going. Phone calls. Texts. E-mails. Facebook messages. Video chats. Practical help with making decisions. Lunch dates. Words of affirmation. Personal stories of similar struggles. 

I could go on, but the bottom line is that kindness matters. It matters a lot. If you know someone is struggling with depression on any level, show up for them in whatever way you're able. And remember that you often won't know that the person you're interacting with is depressed. They may not look the part at all, but your behavior and attitude will either add to their burden or ease a little piece of it. So just be kind. 

As for me, I'm so very thankful to be crawling out of the hole of depression over the last year. I'm still a work in progress, but I've had loving hands reach out to help pull me up. That little stuffed rabbit reminds me every day of my gratitude for those people and encourages me to keep moving forward. 

THANKFUL THURSDAY

I'm thankful for hummingbirds in our yard. What's one thing you're thankful for?

OH, CHRISTMAS TREE

I wasn't interested in artificial Christmas trees when they started becoming common many years ago. I like the smell of a real tree, I'm a creature of habit who loves tradition, and we couldn't have afforded a fake one anyway. 

That was then, this is now. 

We always buy inexpensive ones, so it's not like the tree itself is ever impressive, but our tree just might be my favorite part of each Christmas season. I love spending evenings with all the lights out in our home except the ones on the tree, just relaxing in our living room. And as beautiful as I think themed trees are, I love that ours is filled with a hodge-podge of ornaments that have a story. It's a snapshot of our history that we only see for a few weeks each year. 

Surprisingly, about five years ago I started noticing that I liked a lot of the non-traditional trees that I kept seeing pictures of. Even the ones that didn't appeal to me personally or that wouldn't work logistically in our home still intrigued me. 

I wanted one. White lights. Miscellaneous ornaments. Simple assembly and storage. That's what I was looking for in a non-traditional tree. 

I decided this was the year to do something about my desire for a change. I showed Tim pictures of two trees that I thought might work. We talked about the pros and cons of each, then chose this one from Better Homes & Gardens. He and the little Ws did all the work and last night I got to string lights on my first non-traditional tree before we put ornaments on it. There were some technical difficulties because we're not a family of woodworkers, but this imperfect tree is perfect. I'm so thankful for a family who was willing to spend time and go outside of their skill set to do something that was important to me. 

THANKFUL THURSDAY

I'm thankful for the sense of smell. What's one thing you're thankful for?

TYLER'S BIRTHDAY - 2021

This guy's another year older! 

Tyler had some friends come over for a few hours on Sunday and they all decided to play Uno with college rules for a while. 

After dinner they made oobleck and had lots of fun playing with it. Well, they tried to make it in the individual bowls I gave them, but that quickly proved to be impractical. Devon and Naomi swooped in and saved the day. They dumped each boy's oobleck into a larger bowl, added a bunch more cornstarch and water, mixed it all up, then refilled each boy's bowl with their own portion of oobleck. I was thankful for their help!

One of Tyler's friends happens to be one of Natie's brothers, so the two siblings were able to spend a little time together at the party. I snapped a picture for their mom's benefit, but it's cute and I'm including it here. 

I asked them to all strike a pose after Tyler opened cards and gifts they'd brought. One smiling. 

And one silly, of course.

Next up was an indoor snowball fight, which was a huge hit. No pun intended. They pelted each other for an hour, right up until they left for home. 

It was a fun time with tons of laughter!

Today was about celebrating with family. (The exception being reading all sorts of birthday messages posted on my Facebook page and getting a text from a man at church he's friends with.) He got a text from an aunt, started a birthday greeting text exchange with a cousin who was born on the same date a decade earlier, answered a video call from some bonus Ws, talked on the phone with grandparents in two states, ate the dinner of his choice with me and the sibs, was taken to pick up his free birthday drink at Dutch by a brother and sister-in-law, and spent time opening gifts and cards from various relatives with the Ws.

This is how Silas hauled Tyler out to the car when they left for a birthday drink. There are some things that only big brothers do. This is one of them. 

Tim had to unexpectedly work late, which made a whole family picture unattainable, but I made sure to get one of all the sibs. They have their share of conflict and they drive me crazy at times, but they also laugh together a lot and put thought into gifts they choose for each other. I love that.

 And that was that. The end of birthday fun for Tyler.

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THANKFUL THURSDAY

I'm thankful for an opportunity to see a friend's new baby. What's one thing that you're thankful for?