MY THOUGHTS ON FRIENDSHIP

I'd like to make one big, honkin' disclaimer before I say anything. This post is not about any of you. Not even if you're my friend. It is about me, my thoughts, my struggles, my issues. Me.

Got that? Ok.

So, where do I start? I guess I'll start by giving my definition of a friend. I think a friend is someone that you can always be totally real with. That's probably the extent of my definition. I used to have other things included, but I'm not so sure about those factors anymore.

I've always been one of those people who gets along with everyone. You know the one? Voted "friendliest girl" in her graduating class, remembers names and faces, acquainted with people from all different groups, jumps into social settings with both feet, etc. The blessing is that I know a lot of people. That's also the curse. Being lonely when you're surrounded by people you know is far worse than not knowing anyone at all. At least that's my opinion.

I've actually spent quite a bit of time being discontent with friendships. At least a year. Maybe two. I don't really know exactly when it started. What I do know is that it became a big problem in the late spring. I only remember that little detail because I spent a lot of time crying while I was out watering my garden, the one I planted in May. I cried in the garden a few nights a week all summer long. I cried in the fall when I finally told Tim how I felt. Thankfully, I haven't cried about it in a while.

I had one really close friendship that had been drifting apart for months. I had one really close friendship that was hard to maintain because of a move. So, that left no close friends. I had lots and lots of other friends, people I knew and enjoyed, but I rarely interacted with them. Honestly, they were more like acquaintances. After all, interaction is necessary in order for a friendship to exist. I had online friends, some close and others more like acquaintances. I saw some of them a few times a year. Many of them I've met. Many I'll never see in my life.

So, that's where I was when the crying started. Lonely. Discontent. Frustrated. Discouraged.

I guess I'd just never felt so disconnected in friendships. There was a part of me that envied the girls who have monthly Bunco nights, go out for movies, meet at a restaurant for lunch, go on vacations together (with or without their families), hang out for craft nights, chat on the phone every day, have pedicure dates, or attend various concerts, sports events, or plays together. I wasn't doing any of those things.

The reality was that I didn't have extra money to spend on outings, I homeschool two of my kids in the morning, two of my kids nap in the afternoon, chatting on the phone doesn't fit into my life very well, and I don't have a crafty bone in my body.

I strongly resented my reality.

Well, I've moved on from that resentment and now I'm in a place of acceptance. Accepting that some friendships are just for a season. Accepting that the people I can be real with are the ones who matter most. Accepting that the season of life I'm in is not conducive to investing a lot of time into friendships.

The last one is a big one for me. There are friends I talk with on the phone every few months, some from the neighborhood, others I get together with occasionally so our kids can play, some I chat with at church, others I connect with randomly in other times or places. I like some of these people a lot. I'd love to hang out with them more often. The reality is that I just don't have the time. So, I'm learning to appreciate the little snippets of friendship that pass my way and not get all bummed that my friendships don't look the same as other people's.

Now, I have to add that accepting that this season of life isn't going to be focused on friendships could easily make be be lazy and not make any effort at all. It's like I want to justify throwing in the towel on friendships for a few years just to eliminate those responsibilities entirely. After all, if you have no expectations, then you can't be disappointed. We all know that's not a good option. Being friendless is hardly something to strive for! So, I'm trying to make more of an effort to invest a little time in certain friendships (and even with some acquaintances) whenever I can. Even if it's just a quick "thinking of you today and wanted you to know it" e-mail, some other one sentence message, or a quick question about something going on in their life. I'm trying, but I'm not always succeeding.

So, that's that. Less than a year ago I was a sobbing mess, lonely, and upset that my friendships didn't compare to the ones others had. Now I'm content with where I'm at, knowing it's a season, appreciating the various forms of friendship that I do have, and trying to make more of an effort to maintain them.

I threw some ideas out for you to discuss on my last post, so I want to touch on them before I log off. I already defined a friend earlier in this post. It's someone I can always be real with.

Acquaintances. I think the difference between a friend and an acquaintance is that a friend knows your heart, how you really think and feel about things that matter. So, you could have acquaintances that you talk to all the time and friends that you only chat with a few times a year. The difference is more about quality than quantity.

Expectations. I guess I expect honesty, trust, kindness, and a lot of laughter. Having expectations beyond that is just setting the friendship up for failure.

Conflict. It's never fun to have conflict in a relationship. Never. If you have two people interact long enough, though, they're bound to butt heads eventually. That's just humanity. Whether or not the friendship survives the conflict depends on that honesty and kindness I mentioned above and the strength of the relationship to begin with.

Friends I have. Oh, there's a variety. I appreciate them all.

Friends I desire. Well, here's my impossible fantasy. I want a friend that I've been close to since we were toddlers, who lives five minutes away, who makes me think and laugh, who I get to hang out with on a regular basis, whose kids get along well with my mine, whose husband clicks with mine, and who I get to go on exotic vacations with every year or two.

Friendships ending. Obviously some end over a conflict of some sort. I think a lot just slowly drift apart, usually because of distance or different lifestyles.

Jealousy. It will kill a friendship. You can't be close to someone if you're focused on whatever it is that they have and you want, whether it's their house, other friends, money, kids, spouse, etc.

Online friends. It's a funky thing to have online friends. I've got a bunch. I'm blessed to have met so many of mine in real life, but I'm also blessed by the ones I'll never meet. My online friendships are just as real as those with people I initially met face-to-face.

Long-distance friendships. It stinks when a good friend moves far away. It takes more work to maintain those friendships, unless you're both phone talkers. I'm really flaky about keeping in touch with those friends. It's something I need to work on, for sure.

Friends in similar places in life. The great thing about these friends is that you can relate to what the other is going through. You have lots to talk about. The bummer is that sometimes you need to talk about something other than your life, and that can be a challenge if you lead parallel lives.

Friends in different places in life. The great thing about these friends is that you can escape your daily grind when you hang out with them. You both get a peek into another world. The downside is that the differences can make it too hard to find common ground.

Maintaining friendships. It takes effort, but it will look different from one friendship to another.

And now I'm off to read what all of you posted about friendship. If you haven't commented on that post, then now's the time!