An assumption is defined as "a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof". We all make them about others and we've all had them made about us, although we rarely notice until they are about us or someone we know and incorrect.
I've been thinking about assumptions over the last several months, maybe longer, and just want to dump a few thoughts out of my head. These are things I've seen in assumptions made about people in our family, about people I know, and that I've made myself. For the sake of people's privacy, I won't specify which is which when I give some examples.
First, though the word has a negative connotation, assumptions aren't always negative. The couple whose marriage is on the rocks and one of them is looking for another place to live? We assume that the picture of them smiling together means they have a great marriage and say something about all the love we can see in their eyes. The family with a kid or two (or three or more) who are dealing with some challenging and/or scary things that have been kept private and the stress of the situation is affecting the whole household in huge ways? We assume that because they enjoyed an outing together, that they have a close family and say, or at least think, how we wish for the same for our own family. The person from an affluent family who paid their own way through college without financial help from their parents? We assume they got a free ride and were able to focus on their studies.
One problem with positive assumptions is that they can create discontent in the person making them. If we're comparing the struggles in our life with what we perceive to be strengths in someone else's, then we'll just end up feeling worse about ourselves. Another problem is that we can put pressure on those who we're making assumptions about to either live up to our unrealistic view of them or to tell us that we're wrong while somehow still honoring the privacy of others and without betraying their confidence.
Second, assumptions can create an "us vs. them" mentality. The person who has walked the same road we're on, but has never shared that info with us? We assume that they can't relate to our experiences and blow off their feedback to our situation. The person or family that made a lifestyle decision different than ours or whose beliefs contradict our own? We assume they didn't put much thought into their decision or belief, that they're foolish or naive, or that our way is better than theirs.
Some of the problems with the "us vs. them" mentality are that we lose opportunities to better understand other people and to see things from different perspectives, we show disrespect for everyone's freedom to think for themselves, and we can miss out on relationships with people whose lives would have enriched our own, despite our differences.
Third, assumptions are often incorrectly negative. The guy down the road whose wife was just given two months to live and who, in the midst of his grief and stress, was rude to our kids as they ran loudly by his house? We assume he's a grouchy old man and complain about him to the other neighbors. The friend who questioned something we said or did? We assume that it's a personal attack and give a snarky response. The kid whose parents are in the midst of a messy divorce or who just had a parent die and are acting out? We only know the kid, not the whole family, and assume the parents are slackers who don't put enough effort into raising their kids and/or that the kid is just a punk that we don't want our own kids to spend time with.
One big problem with incorrect negative assumptions is that we begin to unfairly view others in a negative light, which usually influences the way we interact with them. Another problem is that we miss out on opportunities to meet people where they're at and to help those who are hurting.
Fourth, assumptions are often, and quite ironically, hypocritical. That guy who's on his third sleepless day of a migraine, at the point where anything other than silence makes him want to crawl out of his skin, who just cast an irritated glance in the direction of our child that's having a loud meltdown? We assume that he's judging our child's behavior and/or our parenting and then judge him for doing so. The friends or family members who haven't shown practical or emotional support for a decision our family has made? We assume that they have a problem with either the decision or us, get upset that they've never talked with us directly about it, then complain to others about our friends' or family members' lack of communication and support, yet never initiate a discussion with the actual people who we feel have let us down.
One of the problems with making judgments of others based on assumptions of judgment toward us is that we're the only ones who can't see our inconsistency. To judge someone for treating us a certain way without knowing our circumstances when we don't know their circumstances and have made assumptions about them will never work out well. It will damage relationships with people in our lives and, even in chance encounters with strangers, will make us pessimistic and/or defensive without reason.
Fifth, assumptions can create unnecessary tension between people. The family member who did something that inconvenienced us and never apologized, but who had valid reasons that we didn't know about for doing what they did and didn't realize they'd created a problem for us? We assume that they're self-centered or inconsiderate, get angry, and let our anger dictate how we talk to them. The person we just met and complain about a particular group of people to, a group that we don't realize they are part of or have connections to? We assume that they will agree with us, but instead show them just how critical we can be.
The biggest problem with assumptions, at least in my opinion, is that they always create problems. Always. Big problems or little problems, new problems or complications to existing problems ... but always problems.
So, don't make assumptions. If communication could be beneficial to a situation, then we need to communicate directly and kindly. If communication is not necessary or would create more problems than it's worth, then we need to keep quiet and mind our own business. Give the benefit of the doubt when we're inclined to assume the worst. Remember that no one's life is perfect when we're inclined to assume the best.
