Thursday, March 31, 2011
Jen - We got a quick visit from Jen today and she came bearing a bag filled with stuff for making ice cream sundaes. Why? In celebration of the little W that is currently gestating. Fun, huh? Ice cream is our family's love language, no doubt about it!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Our mold situation and all that's related to it is a trial that I have allowed to consume me. I have failed the testing of my faith. Totally failed.
I have not thought back on all the ways God has provided for us during hard times in the past. I have not considered that God knew we'd be in this situation and knows how it will all play out. I have not believed that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. I have not had faith in God's love, provision, peace, or wisdom.
I have chosen, instead, to stress out about deadlines, obsess about all the ins and outs of the various options we have, resent that a responsible decision backfired, and take my frustration out on my family.
At the top of the page in my Bible where the verses quoted above are found, I have written the following.
"Trials -> Perseverance -> Maturity In order to grow and mature, we must be stretched. I need to focus on the pending maturity rather than the current pain."
I realize that our trial, in the scheme of things, is petty. We don't have a child battling cancer, we haven't lost all our possessions in a fire, or anything else "big" like that, but it's still hard. However, I don't want to be a person who gets more hardened with each of life's passing trials. I'd rather come out on the other side more mature for having gone through a rough patch. I'd rather be better than bitter.
I'm reminded of a quote in a book I read a few months ago that said, "Rather than looking backward for explanation, he looked forward for redemptive results." That's my goal. To be thankful for a chance to grow in the areas of patience and trust. To stop second-guessing and resenting everything that led up to this point. To persevere, keep moving forward ... with a good attitude.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Saturday morning - Eat breakfast and drive by a house that went on the market Friday.
Saturday afternoon - Put kids down for naps. Pack up more stuff from inside our apartment to put in the garage the complex gave us. Wake kids up from naps to go look inside house we checked out earlier in the day.
Saturday evening - Go to a birthday party. Come home. Hit my breaking point and throw an adult-sized temper tantrum. Multiple people in tears, apologies made. Take some melatonin and a shower. Read. Sleep for nine hours.
Sunday morning - All 5 Ws go to church for the first time in a while. Message was good for me to hear. Come home for lunch. Everyone naps.
Sunday afternoon/evening - Drop kids off at Brett & Laura's for our date swap. Head to Applebee's with a gift card for a free dinner. Head to Safari Sam's with a coupon & cash for some miniature golf. Beat Tim at miniature golf. Twice. Let me repeat that, as it's not something I get to say often. I beat Tim. Twice. Walk around Old Town Sherwood. Drive around regular Sherwood. Pick up kids & head home. Put kids in bed. Tackle a collection of Trading Post e-mails that were waiting for me. Blog. Heading to bed soon.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
3:05 A friend called. I met her online through a homeschooling forum, but she lives near my dad and I had hung out with her a few times, including one time with her husband and son. She left a message, in tears, saying her 18 year old son had been in an accident and that they were on their way to the hospital, then asked if I'd post on the forums so that people could be praying. I missed the call.
3:41 I got online and saw a post on the forums from someone else that my friend had called after reaching my voicemail. The post had been made at 3:08. I checked my phone, as this friend has called me in the past to post things for her, and saw that I'd missed her call.
4:39 No update had been given, so I called my friend. She answered the phone by saying, "Bethany, he's gone". We spoke briefly. She told me the details and asked if I would let everyone on the forums know that her son was dead.
4:44 I announced the tragic update on the forums.
6:00 We headed off to Bible study.
9:43 We got home and I immediately got on the forums. In addition to the condolences people have posted to our friend on my announcement thread, there are countless "candles" lit in memory of our friend's son. Someone had suggested that we hold a virtual candlelight vigil as a way to support our friend tonight, her first night without a child, and everyone rose to the occasion.
My Sonlight friends, I'm so thankful to be part of the forum community with you. We have our share of problems, but time and again I see differences and disagreements be set aside to rally around someone who is hurting. The huge amount of support happens with petty problems, during big struggles, and in horrible tragedies. I love being part of such a neat group of people!
My Rogue Valley friends, you read about this young man's death in your newspaper or saw it on television tonight.
Everyone, remember that you never know when your time is up, that those you love can unexpectedly be gone in an instant. Make the most of the time you have!
If you think of it, please pray for Andrew's family. Their hearts are broken, their world has been rocked, and they have a rough road ahead of them.
As I've proven quite thoroughly in the past, multiple nights of insomnia do not make me a very pleasant person. At all. It makes me angry at things I'd normally be annoyed by, totally overwhelmed by things I'd normally find frustrating, and sob over things I'd normally roll my eyes at and move on. Due to the fact that this recent bout of insomnia has coincided with some very frustrating, annoying circumstances and big things I have no control over, I've not been doing very well the last few days.
Well, last night I decided I'd drug myself and lock the bedroom door shut if I had to, but I was going to get some sleep. The potential ramifications for my family weren't looking too great if I didn't get more than five hours of sleep for another night.
Knowing I'd need to relax for a bit first, I crawled into bed with the laptop and a book before taking any medicine. I checked e-mails, returned Facebook messages, visited on the Sonlight forums a little bit, then dug into my book. I realized, as I was laying down to read, that I wasn't coughing and decided to try sleeping without drugs.
Once it became hard to keep my eyes open to read, I turned off the light. I must have been asleep within ten minutes. That never happens, not even under the best of circumstances. I woke up 11 hours later. Yes, you read that right. 11. I don't think I've ever slept that long!!
I can tell the difference already. Circumstances still stink, but I don't feel an overwhelming urge to rip anyone's head off, burst into tears, or run away to an undisclosed location. Thank you, Lord, for the wonderful gift of sleep!!
Monday, March 21, 2011
I called up Tammy and asked if she wanted to go for a walk. ASAP. I didn't realize that earlier in the day she'd invited me over to watch a movie with her, so I ran like the wind out of my home and spent a few hours with her. It was great!
We went on a brisk and hilly walk for a couple miles, headed to Cold Stone to buy ice cream with gift cards, picked up some cheese on sale at Freddy's, then hunkered down at her place to watch a chick flick. It was exactly what I needed!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
I know you love lists. Go spend just 5 minutes (one minute for each of you) and make a list of all of the things that are going well. So much is good right now. I know a lot of it sucks... and it will... but what's great? The big and the small. Remember that with Elijah in 1 Kings, God isn't just in the BIG, he's also in the small. The gentle whisper of the wind. What are the gentle whispers in your life right now?
So, I made a list this afternoon of a few things that are good in my life. In no particular order, here's what I came up with.
* Two cars - We generally just drive one, but it's nice to have two when we need them. Both were dropped in our lap, which makes them even more of a blessing.
* Ample living space - We have multiple bedrooms & bathrooms, space for several pieces of furniture, room for toys and books, etc.
* Trees outside our windows - We can look out any window and see trees within twenty feet. It's fun to see them get blossoms this time of year, then turn brilliant orange and red in the fall.
* Bible - I love it when the Proverbs chapter for the day, some other book or chapter I'm reading, or a teaching I hear speaks exactly to where I'm at in life.
* Sachi - This sweet friend showed up at our house yesterday with a bag of happiness. Knowing we were stuck at home with sickness, she and their boys picked out three different kinds of ice cream (sometimes mental health trumps physical health), some games and movies to borrow, and then told me I got to keep the cool bag it all came it.
* BFM planning - I have the privilege of working with Heidi on planning three nights in Seattle with a ton of girlfriends. We're having fun planning it and it's giving me something to look forward to.
* Sonlight forums & Facebook - Both places provide me with tons of laughter, encouragement when I'm down, loving challenges to do the right thing, and a social outlet at a season of life where I'm home a lot.
* Tammy - This friend is the one who challenged me to make this list. I appreciate her compassion, thoughtfulness, listening ear, and willingness to call me on my bad behavior.
* Employment - After many years without adequate income or employment, Tim's had a full-time job he loves, with benefits and a living wage, for six years.
* Water - We live in a country where it's normal to be able to access clean, running water from multiple places in our home.
* Drugs - We have medication for our sickness. Bonus points that we got them free through couponing.
* Robin - I checked the mail this morning and burst into tears when I saw a package in the mailbox. I hadn't even opened the package, but after three months of mold, one month of sickness, and one really stressful week I was totally and completely blessed to know there was something fun and frivolous from Robin sitting in my mailbox. I didn't have to know exactly what it was for the happy tears to flow. Robin made me an amazing bag. It's huge (about 16W x 8D x 12H), has a bunch of interior pockets, can be snapped on the sides if I need less space, and is made with fun & cheery fabric. I love it!!!
* Good health - We very rarely get sick. I don't take that for granted.
* Our church - I'm thankful they teach verse by verse through the whole Bible, that so many people (middle schoolers through adults) are willing and eager to serve in countless ways, that the kids have tons of fun and learn so much from their Bibles, and (particularly this month) that they U-stream for people stuck at home during the service.
* Nature - We live in a beautiful place. Truly beautiful.
* Skype - I'm able to easily keep in touch with my sister, despite the fact that I'm in a metro area of America and she's on a rural mountain in the Philippines.
* Blogging - I have three blogs, all serving very different purposes, and enjoy each one a lot.
We've had five weeks of sickness here. Tim had a bad cold. Then Silas had a fever and was blah. Then Devon started hacking and got a runny nose. I had one night of a fever. Devon kept hacking and snotting. Tim got a fever. Silas started hacking and got a fever. I started coughing late last night. Devon is still hacking and snotting, though less than before, but he's busted out in hives all over his face and neck for two nights in a row. Naomi is currently the only healthy one, but she's cried every thirty seconds for the last few days. UPDATE: Naomi woke up coughing.
We've had three months of mold in our apartment. It's been cleaned and painted each time, but it comes back every month. In addition to the past locations, it also shows up somewhere new each time. It's coming through our walls.
I'm weary of sickness. I'm frustrated that Tim and I have to take turns staying home from church with sick kids for weeks on end. I'm discouraged that, as of last night, we're both sick at the same time. I'm tired of listening to people hack. I'm bummed that sickness is making us cancel couple dates, kid dates, and days with friends. I'm frustrated that Granny is moving in a month and we can't spend time with her because someone is always sick.
I'm behind in school. We accomplished little this week. Very little. I know that's not the end of the world, but it stresses me out, especially since we'd gotten caught up and in a groove since my big homeschooling vent a couple months ago. The thought of doing school over spring break doesn't appeal to me, but it's better than getting farther behind.
I'm stressed about housing. That's another thing I vented about back in January. At that point we didn't know whether to stay or leave. Now we're set on leaving, but we don't know how or when. A few days ago I told you that we were making efforts to leave, but that I wasn't posting details until we had a final plan. I've given the scoop to people who have asked me in person, but I'm changing my mind about posting it here. Why? Mostly so you don't all think we're crazy for staying here any longer than we absolutely have to.
We're trying to buy a house with a teeny tiny budget and no down payment. If it works, then it will be a God thing. We just figured that we may as well give it a shot since we have to move anyway and prices are so low. A little over a week ago we made an offer on a house. It's a short sale. For those who don't know what that means, the house is being sold for less than what is currently owed on it, which means the bank is coming up short. Hence the term. The good thing about a short sale is that you can get a house for less than it's worth. The bad thing is that it can take for.e.ver to find out if your offer has been approved. Like months. Months that we don't have.
Our lease is up at the end of April and we're stuck. We can't stay. We don't want to sign a new lease while we wait to know about the house. We don't want to pay the increased cost that comes with switching to monthly rent. We don't want to move twice, once to somewhere clean, then again to something more permanent (whether a house we buy or another rental if the buying doesn't work out). So far the best option seems to be asking if we can go to a monthly rent for up to six months without a cost increase. That seems fair for all parties - we don't get penalized for a situation that's forcing us to move and the complex doesn't have us renting here indefinitely at a discounted rate. We'll see.
So, I lay awake at night wondering when we'll be healthy, if the fact we are staying sick is because of the mold (we're very rarely sick and have never had crud cycle around for a month like this), feeling like a lousy mom for staying here in spite of the mold, being annoyed that I have to fall asleep and wake up to the sound of hacking, feeling like a heel for being annoyed at a sick person's coughing, figuring out what our housing options are under the circumstances, hating deadlines for hard decisions, hating indefinite waiting for answers even more, wondering if there's something different I should be doing for our sick kids, wishing I knew how long it would take to get an answer on the house and on and on and on. I can't shut my brain off. Even when I pray. Even when I think about Bible verses. Even when I think about happy things.
Woe is me.
Tammy gave me a some sympathy last night, then encouraged me to shift my focus and spend five minutes (one for each W) listing everything positive in my life that I could think of. That's good advice, but last night I was wallowing in self-pity and I planned on making my list this morning. Of course, this morning came way too early and I now feel like crud, so I'm continuing my pity party. I'll make my list later today. It would be good for me. Actually, Sachi did something nice for us yesterday that was blog worthy, so I'll share that and my list before I go to bed tonight. I promise.
Now it's 7:00. It took me an hour to vent all of that. Yikes. Well, there was a gap where I did a verbal vomit on Tim, who was up drinking tea because he feels like crud, but I suppose an hour is more than enough time to spend whining. Especially considering that I spent last night whining. So we'll call this a wrap.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Tam's granola (crockpot) x4
egg & potato scramble x2
lemony sour cream muffins (from the freezer)
leftover oatmeal pancakes (from the freezer)
almond coconut granola
sweet & sour chicken/rice/frozen veggies
rice cooker mac & cheese/green salad
cracked wheat & rice pilaf/veggie stir fry sausage tortellini with marinara sauce/corn (Devon planned & will cook this meal)
upside-down pizza/green salad
Papa Murphy's (taking to a friend's house)
quinoa & black beans/tortilla chips/green salad
potato soup/grilled meat & cheese sandwiches
chicken noodle soup/whole wheat drop biscuits
cheesy ham & asparagus bake/green salad
creamy white bean chicken chili (meal delivery)
banana spice cookies
Thursday, March 17, 2011
* She's physically affectionate. She'll put her arm around the person she's sitting next to and rub their back or ask if she can snuggle.
* She has countless facial expressions that are all funny. She can do things with her eyebrows that no one else in our family can.
* She chooses to wear fancy dresses on ordinary days.
* She loves babies. At a young two years old she'd supervise parents as they fed their babies or changed their diapers. At three years old she just wants all the babies put in her arms.
* She sings constantly. Sometimes it's songs we know, other times it's songs she's made up.
* She calls Silas and Devon "my boys".
* She is obsessed with pink. A few months back she told me she didn't like bats (the flying, not baseball, variety) because they're brown and she only likes things that are pink. Last week I was ordering a burger at Red Robin and the server asked if I wanted it pink. I said no, that I wanted it fully cooked, to which Naomi immediately asked why I wouldn't want a pink burger.
* When she laughs, she laughs hard. A total belly laugh.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Confirmed: Drugs can come in handy - I had to get sleep last night, so I raided our stash of drugstore freebies and took some NyQuil. As I crawled in to bed I told Tim that I really hoped the "marked drowsiness" would occur quickly. It did and I slept soundly until the kids woke up. My fever was gone when I got up.
Learned: NyQuil should only be taken when I have nothing to do for the next 15-20 hours - I rarely take drugs, as I'm rarely sick, and the only ones I take are Benadryl for allergies and various OTC painkillers for ... well, for pain. Last night was my first time taking NyQuil. I took it around 10:30 pm and it helped me sleep well. It also made me incredibly groggy until I woke from a nap at 3:30 pm this afternoon. I was loopy this morning and was only able to read one school book. I plugged in a library movie for the kids and curled up on the couch to watch it with them. I dozed in and out for the first hour of the movie and have absolutely no recollection of the second. I, one who struggles to fall asleep, was completely konked out with two other kids on the couch and a movie playing.
Confirmed: Becca is thoughtful - Becca stopped by unexpectedly around 11:15 today. She knew about our mold situation, so she brought a little something to cheer me up and a sweet note.
Learned: Oatmeal cookies with chocolate and dried cranberries are wonderful - Here is what Becca brought over. Deeeeelish!
Confirmed: Tim is a good man - I got up about the time Tim was leaving this morning and headed into the kitchen to quickly throw dinner in the crockpot. He walked out the door and a couple minutes later I got really lightheaded. Convinced I was going to pass out, I set down the knife that was in my hand and laid on the kitchen floor. I figured it would be best to not have a weapon in my hand as I crashed to the ground and that being on the ground in the first place would feel a lot better than falling there. After a minute or two I told Devon, who was the only kid awake, that I thought I might pass out and crawled into bed.
I called Tim and left a message telling him how I felt and asking him to check in through the day. In hindsight, I think I was dehydrated and loopy from the NyQuil, as I've been chugging water and have felt fine (well, pretty groggy, but not lightheaded) the rest of the day. Anyway, about 11:30 he walked unexpectedly walked in the door. He'd taken the rest of the day off to come home and take care of things around here. He made lunch for the kids, got everyone down for naps, and just popped the biscuits for dinner into the oven.
It's now 5:00 pm and life is good. The fever left during the night, the newest mold got cleaned up about 11:45 today, the NyQuil hangover has finally worn off, and dinner is just about ready.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
* The kid can cook. Not only does he follow recipes well, but he'll experiment with making his own concoctions.
* He's a patient teacher. It's common to see him helping some kid at church or the park learn how to do something.
* He's dependable. If I ask him to do something, then I know he'll do the job well.
* Beating me at games causes him to giggle hysterically. This is a frequent occurrence.
* Notes are one of his preferred ways of communicating. A few times a month he'll write me a note telling me about something or asking a question.
* He's sensitive to the needs of others. If he knows I'm stressed, then he'll just start taking care of things he knows will be helpful to me.
* He loves having funky hair and is oblivious to the fact that it draws attention to him.
* He's a giver. He's constantly drawing pictures, creating things, or buying gifts for people.
Monday, March 14, 2011
We are working on moving, but things are still up in the air at this point. I just don't want to have to give constant updates, so we're choosing not to blog about it until we know for sure what's going to happen. Our lease is up at the end of next month, so something will have to change soon.
We left a house, yard, and neighborhood we loved to move into this apartment with the solitary goal of paying off Tim's school debt more quickly. Our motives were good and it's not working out. I'm really discouraged.
On that note, Tim just walked in the door and I'm going to the office to ask for a free garage to store our things in. It's pretty clear that closets and corners in our apartment are not suitable for storing anything we don't want to be covered in mold.
Wish me luck.
Pray for my attitude.
Pray for a housing change to work out quickly.
UPDATE - I'm back. We're getting a free garage. The lady immediately and cheerfully granted my request for one and will have one ready tomorrow or Wednesday. That will help until we know where we're going next.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
* About once a month he hides some little surprise under my pillow - coins, a picture, candy, etc.
* He loves music. He often has earbuds in and is constantly singing.
* He has an amazing memory and since he was two years old we've counted on him to help us remember stuff.
* Several times a week he'll go out of his way to patiently teach Naomi something. He shows her how to play games, spell words, do tricks, etc.
* He defends those who are being bullied. He takes our mantras of "boys protect girls" and "bigs look out for littles" seriously and there have been a couple times he's confronted someone who was picking on another kid.
* His silly faces, crazy dance moves, and goofy behaviors crack us up daily.
* He can't keep a straight face when I sing to him opera-style. It's the cure for his attempts at being grumpy.
* He's thoughtful. There are doughnuts at the church service we go to on Sunday and he brought one of my favorites back for me when I was home with a sick kid a few weeks ago.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
I'm ignoring Tim, who came home two hours later today. (Being late was not a source of conflict and he's fine with me hiding out in our room.) I'm ignoring our children. I'm ignoring all responsibilities and decisions.
Tomorrow I will do school with the boys and play with Naomi. I will see Granny for the first time in a month (she was gone for 10 days or so and our kids have been since she's been back). I will sort through a pile of papers. I will cook and clean.
But tonight, right now, I'm going to relish some time alone. I'm going to be thankful the three little Ws will fold and put away the laundry in the dryer. I'm going to be thankful that Tim will get the front of our home cleaned up without being asked to. I'm going to be thankful for jammies and fleece sheets. I'm going to be thankful that I can relax for a bit.
What's one thing that you're thankful for?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
A drama set in 1986 Iran and centered on a man, Sahebjam, whose car breaks down in a remote village and enters into a conversation with Zahra, who relays to him the story about her niece, Soraya, whose arranged marriage to an abusive tyrant had a tragic ending.
For better or worse, I'm generally not bothered by blood, guts, or a fair amount of violence in movies, but I had to keep turning away during the stoning. It was brutal and bloody. The fact that the movie was based on a true story made it all the more disturbing and is what compelled me to watch.
Several months ago I discovered that a book actually preceded the movie, so I got it from the library. It's called The Stoning of Soraya M.: A Story of Injustice in Iran and while it lacks the visual of a movie, it's still a hard story to take in.
The book was written in 1990 and at that time the estimate was that 1,000 women had been stoned in Iran during the previous 15 years. Stoned to death! Can you even imagine? Can you imagine what it's like to have your father, husband, and sons to eagerly receive the "honor" of casting the first stones intended to kill you? Can you imagine what it's like to be close to the woman being stoned? To help her face the hopeless situation with dignity? Can you imagine what it's like to know there is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent an atrocious abuse of power and extreme injustice?
Freedoms that we expect, basic respect we feel entitled to, justice with integrity that we insist on - all these things are good and fair, but they're not what everyone experiences. While I don't think it's beneficial to become obsessed with every form of human suffering and injustice, I do think it's important to have enough awareness of some specifics that we don't take our own situations for granted. For some, that awareness will become the catalyst for action and those people will do what they can to right the wrongs being done. Either way, whether it causes a change in our own attitudes and perspective or leads us down a whole new road in life, I think it's good to have our eyes opened to the suffering of others.
So, if you won't have nightmares from the movie, then I recommend watching it. It's rated R because of the brutality of the stoning scene. If you're one who can't handle the visual, then pick up the book from your local library.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Project #1 - Store
Silas set up a little shop to earn some money. He has a budget he sticks to, but tends to blow his spending money pretty quickly. Several months ago, though, he decided to save up for a Lego robot. With the exception of a couple bucks he's saved his $8.00 of spending money he gets each month and any gift money he receives. He's now pushing $70.00. Pretty miraculous that he's stuck with this goal! Anyway, he decided to try selling some things to the other Ws for some robot money.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Dance Mat Typing - Though they don't get on here as often as they should, our boys love to practice typing with this program. It's free and the accents are fun.
Moffit Missionaries - I have three main reasons for loving this site. 1 - Pictures of Daisy. 2 - Pictures of Ally. 3 - Picture of Neo. Of course, seeing pictures of Josh, Beep, the beautiful mountain they all live on, and glimpses into their daily grind is also fun ... but nieces and nephews are more fun. Too bad they're an ocean away.
Swagbucks - I know I've talked about Swagbucks before, but each time I "buy" Amazon gift cards I love it more. Actually, I love it more when gift card codes get applied to my account ... like today. It's fun to get rewarded for looking stuff up online and for using their toolbar. We've earned hundreds of dollars over the last couple years and I'm grateful for that!
Take Your Queue From Me - Kelly started a movie review site, but she isn't watching whatever the current blockbuster is. She's drawn to the movies that you may not have heard about, which I think is kinda fun. Plus, she's a fun writer. You can also find her site on Facebook.
Wit Behind the Ears - This site is, well ... witty. Anna and Gwen chat about all sorts of things and I think one of the coolest ideas I've seen on their site is the chalkboard countertops. Admittedly, I wouldn't use them enough to make it worth having, but it is cool!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
What's one thing that you're thankful for?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Tam's granola (crockpot) x5
eggs & potato or ham scramble x3
breakfast pizza (trying it with ham)
Western omelette casserole (assemble previous night)
yogurt streusel muffins (from freezer)
cream cheese banana bread (from freezer)
chewy granola bars (third time these have been on the menu, hoping they get made this time)
spicy crunchy chickpeas
leftovers x 2
honey lime chicken enchiladas/green salad
Asian orzo chicken salad/new recipe
vegetarian black bean soup/tortilla chips
chicken broccoli quiche/green salad
Italian sausage with bowties/frozen veggie
black bean & couscous salad/tortilla chips
new soup recipe (big flop)/whole wheat biscuits
Leslie's salad (our contribution to dinner at someone's house)
creamy butternut squash soup (from freezer)/whole wheat biscuits
lentil & ham soup (crockpot)/whole wheat biscuits
new cake recipe (Silas is creating & baking it - it ended up being a flop)